“In a child's eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe.”
― N.K. Jemisin, The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
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Further more to last week's blog, the same woman felt it necessary to inform me that it was not actually my marital status but actually my childless stature that drove her to reject my friendship. Too add insult to injury this clarification was apparently needed. She told me that we have nothing in common because her life is all about her child which is something that I will never understand. This stings because women who do not want to have their own children often worry that their friends with children feel this way about them. I had another mother friend tell me I "will never know what real love feels like." Ouch. I know they are just trying to express their own joy but seriously those words are hard to hear when you do not plan on ever procreating. It is not that I do not adore my friends children, I do. I am the"fun aunt" that buys their children the largest teddy, or the robotic dog when they want a puppy, and listens to their child's story about their day even when it is really not understandable English and takes an hour. I actually love my friend's and family member's children unconditionally. Their laughter warms my heart, it tears my soul to see them sad. I love them. “It’s a myth that the childless don’t know anything about parenting...They were once children themselves, they may have nieces and nephews or they may work with kids.' Instead of subtly putting her down, show genuine interest and curiosity about your friend’s opinions on parenting topics...She may surprise you with a fresh and effective approach."(1) But I, like some women do not have a baby button. In a world where single in your 30s is associated with some sort of defective barren womb syndrome it is increasingly harder and harder not to feel criticism. Another past co worker of mine tried to tell me the only reason I did not want children is because I have not met the "right man yet." Sigh, I am beginning to feel like I will never hear "Oh Victoria, you do not want children? Well if that is what you want, then that is best for you. You would know, you are you. Fuck social norms anyways." Imagine someone telling you, “One day you’ll change your mind about keeping your children and want to trade them in.' Making similar comments to your childless friends is insulting... because it suggests that deep down, they want kids—they just don’t know it yet. (But you magically do!) Don’t go there...Accept that your friend has made a different lifestyle choice than you, but you still love her and are committed to the friendship—whether she ever has kids or not.” (2)
Certainly the best works, and of greatest merit for the public, have proceeded from the unmarried, or childless men.
Francis Bacon
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The truth is all these words about a life unfulfilled without children actually just made me love my mother friends more! I realized that the ones who are my real friends would never say these things to me, they know that I am worthy friend to both them and their children capable of providing a healthy relationship to both. I am often the aunt who brings cake pops, who will take a million pictures of your baby and tell you that he or she is the most beautiful baby around. My happiness and love should never be requited with comments on my choice not to reproduce. These close minded mothers who saw me as flawed and not worth their dedication to their children are just NOT super women. There are super women out there, these women are mothers, lovers, sometimes wives, and they are able to have friends from all walks of life. They dedicate their lives to providing their children with the best kind of lifestyle filled with variety and love ,instead of close mindedness. For these super women I am thankful. Without them I would not have the amazing children in my life that I have come so attached to. Thank you! (Ms. K you know this is you!) So without further a due the following are three reasons why I do not want children, perhaps in reading them others will try and understand that a life without children is just as rewarding to me:
― N.K. Jemisin, The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
Further more to last week's blog, the same woman felt it necessary to inform me that it was not actually my marital status but actually my childless stature that drove her to reject my friendship. Too add insult to injury this clarification was apparently needed. She told me that we have nothing in common because her life is all about her child which is something that I will never understand. This stings because women who do not want to have their own children often worry that their friends with children feel this way about them. I had another mother friend tell me I "will never know what real love feels like." Ouch. I know they are just trying to express their own joy but seriously those words are hard to hear when you do not plan on ever procreating. It is not that I do not adore my friends children, I do. I am the"fun aunt" that buys their children the largest teddy, or the robotic dog when they want a puppy, and listens to their child's story about their day even when it is really not understandable English and takes an hour. I actually love my friend's and family member's children unconditionally. Their laughter warms my heart, it tears my soul to see them sad. I love them. “It’s a myth that the childless don’t know anything about parenting...They were once children themselves, they may have nieces and nephews or they may work with kids.' Instead of subtly putting her down, show genuine interest and curiosity about your friend’s opinions on parenting topics...She may surprise you with a fresh and effective approach."(1) But I, like some women do not have a baby button. In a world where single in your 30s is associated with some sort of defective barren womb syndrome it is increasingly harder and harder not to feel criticism. Another past co worker of mine tried to tell me the only reason I did not want children is because I have not met the "right man yet." Sigh, I am beginning to feel like I will never hear "Oh Victoria, you do not want children? Well if that is what you want, then that is best for you. You would know, you are you. Fuck social norms anyways." Imagine someone telling you, “One day you’ll change your mind about keeping your children and want to trade them in.' Making similar comments to your childless friends is insulting... because it suggests that deep down, they want kids—they just don’t know it yet. (But you magically do!) Don’t go there...Accept that your friend has made a different lifestyle choice than you, but you still love her and are committed to the friendship—whether she ever has kids or not.” (2)
Certainly the best works, and of greatest merit for the public, have proceeded from the unmarried, or childless men.
Francis Bacon
The truth is all these words about a life unfulfilled without children actually just made me love my mother friends more! I realized that the ones who are my real friends would never say these things to me, they know that I am worthy friend to both them and their children capable of providing a healthy relationship to both. I am often the aunt who brings cake pops, who will take a million pictures of your baby and tell you that he or she is the most beautiful baby around. My happiness and love should never be requited with comments on my choice not to reproduce. These close minded mothers who saw me as flawed and not worth their dedication to their children are just NOT super women. There are super women out there, these women are mothers, lovers, sometimes wives, and they are able to have friends from all walks of life. They dedicate their lives to providing their children with the best kind of lifestyle filled with variety and love ,instead of close mindedness. For these super women I am thankful. Without them I would not have the amazing children in my life that I have come so attached to. Thank you! (Ms. K you know this is you!) So without further a due the following are three reasons why I do not want children, perhaps in reading them others will try and understand that a life without children is just as rewarding to me:
“Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors.”
― Khaled Hosseini
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1) Career. Okay this is very controversial. There are many women that can do the balancing act absolutely, but at 31 and just starting to build my career with a ten year plan in mind I am aware that children can not fit into that plan. I am also aware of the health affects of waiting too long in life to have children. When I was younger I dreamed my whole life of becoming a lawyer. There is nothing more in this world that I want. Dedication to my dream is one of the main reasons that I do not want to have children. I know that children are an absolute one million percent dedication. I know that being a mother changes your perspective, and priorities, and I also know that I will not be happy until I have attained my goals. This does not actually mean I am just leisuring around, I am working hard to build a lifestyle. I often feel like parents feel like this means I have a life of leisure chosing the career path, like working is not as demanding. "Just because a friend doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean she’s living a life of leisure...Many childless adults are as busy as parents, but they spend their time in different ways," And. After my goals are attained there is always the possibility of adoption and fostering if I change my mind, I am not a person who feels that biological children are any different than adopted children, all children need the same level of dedication and love.
“Mothers are all slightly insane.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
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2) I am not mothering. While yes I feel intense emotion for my friends and families children I have never been mothering. I also have a friend that told me all she dreamed of was being a mother, when she was a child all she did was pretend and her whole dating life she always expressed her desire. That is of course wonderful for her, particularly because she has two children now and could not be happier. However, that has never been me. I have never hummed the wedding theme and dreamed of a day in white, nor have a craved the pitter patter of the little feet. Some women do not have a baby button. This can be extremely hard for people to understand but it is the truth. If we all had the same dream we would all be lawyers, or doctors, or plumbers or whatever, there would be no Luis Vutton, there would be no Vincent Van Gogh, there would be no spice of life! Children are actually part of a lifestyle choice one you either want to make or not. I am actually very awkward around small infants to be blunt. A lot of wonderful women I see have a natural ability to swing into mother mode with all children. They see an infant and they just know exactly how to hold them, and what not. This is not me. I am the uncomfortable friend that asks three times before trying to hold the baby and then quickly returning it to its rightful owner. I am the friend who asks the oddest questions about motherhood because I have no idea and all my mother friends laugh and explain things. I am not mothering, some women are just not the mothering type. It does not matter how many times you tell us we will get use to it, or we will learn the truth is we are most comfortable just not learning from our own experience. "There are two words for the woman who reached over the table, grabbed my hand and in a consolatory tone announced, ''It's a tragedy you never got around to having children. It's the most wonderful thing a woman can do.''
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
2) I am not mothering. While yes I feel intense emotion for my friends and families children I have never been mothering. I also have a friend that told me all she dreamed of was being a mother, when she was a child all she did was pretend and her whole dating life she always expressed her desire. That is of course wonderful for her, particularly because she has two children now and could not be happier. However, that has never been me. I have never hummed the wedding theme and dreamed of a day in white, nor have a craved the pitter patter of the little feet. Some women do not have a baby button. This can be extremely hard for people to understand but it is the truth. If we all had the same dream we would all be lawyers, or doctors, or plumbers or whatever, there would be no Luis Vutton, there would be no Vincent Van Gogh, there would be no spice of life! Children are actually part of a lifestyle choice one you either want to make or not. I am actually very awkward around small infants to be blunt. A lot of wonderful women I see have a natural ability to swing into mother mode with all children. They see an infant and they just know exactly how to hold them, and what not. This is not me. I am the uncomfortable friend that asks three times before trying to hold the baby and then quickly returning it to its rightful owner. I am the friend who asks the oddest questions about motherhood because I have no idea and all my mother friends laugh and explain things. I am not mothering, some women are just not the mothering type. It does not matter how many times you tell us we will get use to it, or we will learn the truth is we are most comfortable just not learning from our own experience. "There are two words for the woman who reached over the table, grabbed my hand and in a consolatory tone announced, ''It's a tragedy you never got around to having children. It's the most wonderful thing a woman can do.''
Those words are ''shut'' and ''up'' (the printable response) or, more charitably, ''think'' and ''first''. Because it doesn't take Freud to work out this statement was patronising, assumptive and just plain insensitive." (4) Non-baby buttoned women are actually their most comfortable being sans baby thanks.
This archaic idea - that a woman who is unmarried and childless at 30 is somehow unnatural - will probably always exist, and, like most social standards, it is ridiculous.
Beth Ditto
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3) I am fulfilled by other people’s children in my life. Shopping! Yes I said it. The other day I was having a grumpy day (it can't be sunny everyday in paradise!) so I wanted to get some small things for Ms. K's daughter all week and I popped into a store and let me tell you! Shopping for her was the best mood changing experience! I felt a rush of excitement as I examined all the small cute hats. If you can stay grumpy surrounded by adorable stuffies and miniature shoes than you may not be human. I got so happy and excited by my shopping I called Ms. K to tell her about the things I bought and how it cheered me right up. To which she was also happy and excited. Then I realized other people's children often make me incredibly happy. When I am on my social media and I see one of my friends post a gorgeous picture of their baby pretending to be a fire man or something adorable I smile and laugh. This is incredibly satisfying to me. BUT, it is only satisfying to me because I can still go home and live my normal life. Those children are not my dependents which makes my relationship to them one that is always upbeat, fun and happy. I do not have a commitment to their daily needs which I know is the role for super women, not myself.
Beth Ditto
3) I am fulfilled by other people’s children in my life. Shopping! Yes I said it. The other day I was having a grumpy day (it can't be sunny everyday in paradise!) so I wanted to get some small things for Ms. K's daughter all week and I popped into a store and let me tell you! Shopping for her was the best mood changing experience! I felt a rush of excitement as I examined all the small cute hats. If you can stay grumpy surrounded by adorable stuffies and miniature shoes than you may not be human. I got so happy and excited by my shopping I called Ms. K to tell her about the things I bought and how it cheered me right up. To which she was also happy and excited. Then I realized other people's children often make me incredibly happy. When I am on my social media and I see one of my friends post a gorgeous picture of their baby pretending to be a fire man or something adorable I smile and laugh. This is incredibly satisfying to me. BUT, it is only satisfying to me because I can still go home and live my normal life. Those children are not my dependents which makes my relationship to them one that is always upbeat, fun and happy. I do not have a commitment to their daily needs which I know is the role for super women, not myself.
“Children see magic because they look for it.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
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"Non-parents hear these slurs all the time: They are selfish, abnormal, immature, destined to die alone in a stairwell." (5) So here I am calling a truce between the fruitful and the barren! Let's try just expressing joy of motherhood or otherwise without a bitter comparison afterward. Instead of calling out parents as boring, and calling out the childless as irresponsible and not empathetic, why don’t we meet in the middle? Let’s find what works to make our friendships flourish, because that woman you turned down because she chose not to procreate could have been an amazing influence in your life. " Most of the childless women I know do find peace with their circumstances, even if it takes some time. Until, that is, someone comes along and demands their curiosity itch be scratched as to why no kids or, worse, declares you emotionally or spiritually unfulfilled with uncalled for comments such as the one I endured."(6) In fact here is the thing, she may be the shoulder you cry on in your messy divorce when you move home and have really only her for a friend (true story). She maybe the only friend who can actually come over to your place at 2 am when you need a good cry session, she also just maybe the best friend you ever have. Life is uncertain and to barricade someone out of your life because they are not part of the mommy and me crew hurts. And, to all my barren sisters so does telling your mother friends they use to be fun. Save the words of judgement for a worthy cause. There is some tension between the barren and the fruitful that they offend one another. "I believe children are a gift and not a given in life, and those who receive should be grateful. They should not be offering from on high ''Oh, it is such a pity'', ''a tragedy'', ''you would have loved it'', consolations to those without - even if well intended. People need to stop and think what they are really saying to another with ''you don't know love until you have a child'', ''I wasn't complete until I had kids'', ''you are nothing without family'' or the deplorable ''don't you like children?'' (7) What happens is the barren woman is hurt by the notion her life is incomplete and tells the fruitful woman she is lame, the fruitful is hurt by the notion that she can not be fun anymore and tells the barren one she is incomplete. There is never an absolute understanding between the two that both walks of life can be just as complete and happy. I think that there is some false notion that women who do not want children also do not like children. WHAT?!? That is ludicrous, who does not like children? (Well, actually Ms. M does not like children but that is a whole other story that we are not getting into) The truth is it is possible to have a deep love and respect for motherhood and not want it for yourself. I have a deep love of a lot of things but I know myself. Appreciating the fact that I know myself enough to know what is good for me, and in return what is good for my non existing children. Let me clarify that, what I am saying is, it is best for me not to have children because of the reasons stated above and I do not want them, so if for some misguided reason I had them it would really not be fair to anyone involved. Children are awesome little people that deserve to be wanted and loved. In the end thanks again to all my kind hearted mother friends who title me as auntie to their amazing children. Your acceptance has not gone unnoticed, and I know you are worth finding new similarities to even the playing field of motherhood. You truly understand the idea "Never exclude a couple because you think they might be uncomfortable with pint-sized guests. “It isolates them and treats them like outcasts...They’re childless adults—not children—and can make their own decisions.” Thanks!
References:
Latvala, Charlotte. "10 Things Never to Say to Childless Friends" Women's Day ( http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/friendship/childless-friends)
Squires, Wendy "A Few Things You Shouldn't Say to the Childless Woman" May 4, 2013 The Age (http://www.theage.com.au/comment/a-few-things-you-shouldnt-say-to-a-childless-woman-20130503-2iyj5.html)
Renzetti, Elizabeth. "Why Childless People Are Persecuted" May 18, 2013 Globe and Mail
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
"Non-parents hear these slurs all the time: They are selfish, abnormal, immature, destined to die alone in a stairwell." (5) So here I am calling a truce between the fruitful and the barren! Let's try just expressing joy of motherhood or otherwise without a bitter comparison afterward. Instead of calling out parents as boring, and calling out the childless as irresponsible and not empathetic, why don’t we meet in the middle? Let’s find what works to make our friendships flourish, because that woman you turned down because she chose not to procreate could have been an amazing influence in your life. " Most of the childless women I know do find peace with their circumstances, even if it takes some time. Until, that is, someone comes along and demands their curiosity itch be scratched as to why no kids or, worse, declares you emotionally or spiritually unfulfilled with uncalled for comments such as the one I endured."(6) In fact here is the thing, she may be the shoulder you cry on in your messy divorce when you move home and have really only her for a friend (true story). She maybe the only friend who can actually come over to your place at 2 am when you need a good cry session, she also just maybe the best friend you ever have. Life is uncertain and to barricade someone out of your life because they are not part of the mommy and me crew hurts. And, to all my barren sisters so does telling your mother friends they use to be fun. Save the words of judgement for a worthy cause. There is some tension between the barren and the fruitful that they offend one another. "I believe children are a gift and not a given in life, and those who receive should be grateful. They should not be offering from on high ''Oh, it is such a pity'', ''a tragedy'', ''you would have loved it'', consolations to those without - even if well intended. People need to stop and think what they are really saying to another with ''you don't know love until you have a child'', ''I wasn't complete until I had kids'', ''you are nothing without family'' or the deplorable ''don't you like children?'' (7) What happens is the barren woman is hurt by the notion her life is incomplete and tells the fruitful woman she is lame, the fruitful is hurt by the notion that she can not be fun anymore and tells the barren one she is incomplete. There is never an absolute understanding between the two that both walks of life can be just as complete and happy. I think that there is some false notion that women who do not want children also do not like children. WHAT?!? That is ludicrous, who does not like children? (Well, actually Ms. M does not like children but that is a whole other story that we are not getting into) The truth is it is possible to have a deep love and respect for motherhood and not want it for yourself. I have a deep love of a lot of things but I know myself. Appreciating the fact that I know myself enough to know what is good for me, and in return what is good for my non existing children. Let me clarify that, what I am saying is, it is best for me not to have children because of the reasons stated above and I do not want them, so if for some misguided reason I had them it would really not be fair to anyone involved. Children are awesome little people that deserve to be wanted and loved. In the end thanks again to all my kind hearted mother friends who title me as auntie to their amazing children. Your acceptance has not gone unnoticed, and I know you are worth finding new similarities to even the playing field of motherhood. You truly understand the idea "Never exclude a couple because you think they might be uncomfortable with pint-sized guests. “It isolates them and treats them like outcasts...They’re childless adults—not children—and can make their own decisions.” Thanks!
References:
Latvala, Charlotte. "10 Things Never to Say to Childless Friends" Women's Day ( http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/friendship/childless-friends)
Squires, Wendy "A Few Things You Shouldn't Say to the Childless Woman" May 4, 2013 The Age (http://www.theage.com.au/comment/a-few-things-you-shouldnt-say-to-a-childless-woman-20130503-2iyj5.html)
Renzetti, Elizabeth. "Why Childless People Are Persecuted" May 18, 2013 Globe and Mail
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