SEX, when not to have it.

"Twitterpated: The happy feeling you get that causes you to smile uncontrollably"
-Bambi

Thank you! (all of you who rooted for me while waiting not so patiently on the bench to join the dating game with The American).   Hence now The American and I are a happy new couple entering the big scary uncertain world of dating.  Which really got me to thinking about SEX. I guess in particular because I am completely engulfed in the honey moon period, and I mean totally twitterpated and full of feelings so everything, including intimacy takes on a whole new perspective.  But it really got me to wondering about why in general it seems like sex has become so meaningless? What I mean is remember when you were young, I mean really young, like elementary school or middle school and you had your first date with your first love interest and it was such a HUGE deal if he held your hand?  What ever happened to PG 13 relationships?  What happened to enjoying all the small steps leading up to sex and everything in between?  Where did anticipation go? Butterflies? What ever happened to getting to know someone and actually liking them before hopping into the sack?  I will tell you what happened.  We ate from the delicious, poisonous tree.  Ah yes, sex.  The forbidden delightful fruit that once we experienced it there was no turning back.  But, in this transition we lost something so special.  Have you ever been laying with your lover of a long enough time to have an over whelming urge of emotions for them?  A wave of love washes over you and you think truly this is what love is.  And, then for that split second you think, wouldn't it have been great if I waited for this moment, this purely lost in intensity of soul connected intimacy to have sex?  Sorry if I am the only one who has pondered this, but I know for a fact I am not.  Ms. K always tells me do you think people know sex is better the more you care about someone? I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.  (While of course Ms. M will argue to the death the benefits of casual sex, she too recognizes the difference once emotions are involved).  Sex, can (and usually is, in particular at this age) pleasurable, and of course men and women are possibly worlds apart in their views on this given their abilities to climax (we all know women are a bigger challenge than most men), but sex is just meaningless getting off when you take out the true intimacy of the path more of us should take to get there. Respect.  What happened to it? and, in a world where a woman is not suppose to be easy or she is a sl*t but she is not suppose to be a prude or she is a b*tch what is a girl to do?  The following are three moments in time where you and your two good friends Self Respect and Dignity should walk away from a proposition to do the deed:

"Lonely.  I'm Mr. Lonely.
I have nobody to call my own."
-Bobby Vinton

1) Loneliness. An unfortunate truth to being human is that at times we all get lonely and miss the physical interaction of coupledom.  Falling asleep in someone's arms hearing their heart softly beating against your face (one of my most favorite sounds, and the way their voice vibrates softly through their chest too = heaven).  Waking up to someone's bed head and smile.  Having someone to spice up the mundane grocery run and to stay in to watch the latest episode of GRIMM, or whatever you fancy.  Human contact is something that we have come to value highly. And it is no wonder why: "When we hug someone, oxytocin is released into our bodies by our pituitary gland, lowering both our heart rates and our cortisol levels. Cortisol is the hormone responsible for stress, high blood pressure, and heart disease. In addition to releasing Oxytocin, hugs also stimulate brains to release dopamine, the pleasure hormone." (1) Further more, being with someone gives you a feeling of value, when someone is choosing to be with you it makes you feel good. But! That does not mean that one should hop in the sack in an attempt to feel this. In fact, just the opposite will happen, because attaching yourself to someone out of fear of being alone is absurd!  Of course being with someone feels wonderful, but being with the wrong someone feels like hell (I would know).  And, we often stick to the wrong person or jump into something all wrong for all the wrong reasons.  DON'T BE WITH SOMEONE to avoid feeling negative emotions such as loneliness  be with someone because they truly make you happier when you ARE ALREADY HAPPY.  Be with someone because they enrich your life.  Be with the person who the thought of makes you smile.  Do not be with any random someone because you are tired of waking up alone.  In fact if you are tired of waking up alone you seriously need to improve your quality of life! Make your life the best life possible.  Wake up every morning enjoying where you are and thinking about what you, just you, can do.  Lastly love will never find you if you are searching for it.  Love finds you when you stop thinking about all the reasons you want it and start enjoying all the reasons your life is amazing.

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."
-Oscar Wilde

2)Social Norms. (Tick tock, tick tock).  I recently had my annual check up with my family physician.  He asked me about my dating life and when he heard my answer he literally tapped his finger on his imaginary watch on his wrist and said "Tick, tock."  (Sigh).  I guess that is the sound of my biological clock ticking away to old dusty womb.  SERIOUSLY!?! It is exactly this mentality that make men and women settle for someone that they are not destined to share an amazing life with. Somehow you have become a social pariah because your plus one is imaginary and your friends are all having children and settling down. So, you begin to feel DESPERATE.  You begin to think you should probably just give up on your aspirations of meeting someone who actually completes you and decide you may as well prowl the pub scene at late hours because those men are looking to score and then maybe you can turn it into something more.  After all you have been scouring the city and your list of friends time and time again to see if there are any potential mates out there, time is of the essence! YA RIGHT! I would rather strive for a life alone or finding someone who doubles my happiness factor than settle!  Here is the thing you may not meet the person you are destined for greatness with until you are 100, who knows.  But what I do know is looking for it between a stranger's sheets is NOT the answer! In fact it really just adds confusion to your already confused state.  Using sex in an attempt to find love is never a good idea.  I can guarantee you that more often than not you are going to end up just being used and feeling pretty bad about yourself in the end.  Stop looking for love to fit in, if it wants to find you it will, and if your lucky there will be NOTHING NORMAL or fitting in about it.  There is no point in making poor life decisions that take away from your self esteem in the name of fitting in.   You may kiss A LOT of frogs before you meet someone who even resembles a prince BUT settling with a frog is still settling for a damn frog, don't sell yourself short. 

"The reason I hold on, 
is I need this hole gone."
-Rihanna

3) You are in an altered state....I have talked about his before.  So there you are freshly bruised and broken from your most recent heart ache.  Your soul feels like it has been ripped in two and you are not really sure how you feel.  (This is not saying rebound sex should not occur, it absolutely should once you are emotionally stable enough to enjoy it for what it is, a means to an end).  When you are not in your normal sane head space it is best to steer clear of hook ups! Sex is only going to compound those already high emotions with, you guessed it and bring out your inner lunachick.  (Further more you should SERIOUSLY question the morals of a man who will take you when he can see that your have been crying most of the night and murmuring depressing things about never finding love...).  Random hook ups are only going to be a second (ha! okay hopefully more than a second at least!) of distraction from what you are actually feeling.  And, guess what?? You should be feeling what you are feeling! I know it sucks when you are in pain and hurting and all you want to do is strive for the moment of ecstasy (once again if you're lucky) or at least if nothing else a moment where your mind is completely focused on something else.  But! guess what again?  Just because you were able to trick your mind with meaningless sex that you are no longer sad, your mind is actually not an idiot, and your mind does not control your heart which is still shattered.  So in the awkward post sex moments when you realize that you have made a mistake you are now faced with a whole new level of emotions on top of the ones you were already feeling when really all you should be thinking about is a successful escape route.

The truth of the matter is you have to be whole to enjoy being with someone.  You should be happy and content in life not scouring the streets in search of something more than what you already are.  You are incredible.  You deserve to share yourself with someone who thinks this exact same thing about you.  And, if they don't, then they certainly do not deserve the best of you! 

As for me, I am skipping joyfully into the ins and outs of new romance with The American.  Thanks for reading! XOXO 

References: 
1) Hugs are Awesome (and good for your health) http://breakingmuscle.com/health-medicine/hugs-are-awesome-and-good-for-your-health-too

All pictures as usual are from the lovely google search.