3 Break Up DON'Ts

"When you learn the lessons of a failed relationship, that helps you more than anything else to get over it and trade hurt for understanding."

- J.M Kearns Better Love Next Time

First, I would like to thank all of you who read last week's blog.  You really helped me out! I feel a million times better now that I got what I needed to say off my chest.  Thanks! In carrying on with last week's topic I have decided to write this blog dedicated to three things NOT to do once broken up.  Here is the thing, if you are reeling in the pain of a recent break up than you are feeling rather volatile and most likely hurt.  Yes, I know.  Breakups suck.  They suck for both sides because you are either the person breaking someone, or being broken, and both sides are uncomfortable to be on.  Let's face it, ending a relationship with someone is not anyone's idea of a good time.  No one wakes up one morning and says "Hey! You know what would be a great time this weekend? Breaking up."  But here is what we MUST keep in mind. IT. IS. JUST. A. BREAKUP. Yes, these words are at times hard to hear, but, in actuality, all that occurred is two people who are not destined for greatness acknowledged that they need more. Given the collapse of both Ms. K and my own most recent dating adventure I felt that perhaps it is that time of year again to write about the end of love affairs.  It always seems that break ups come in groups, when one relationship ends it somehow creates a domino effect (or ripple effect) resulting in several relations being declared over (perhaps a future blog topic...).  And, why?  For a multitude of reasons but just remember no matter where you are in your relationship status: HOLD ON.  There are always better times ahead, frankly, my last big break from Mr. X was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Because, he dumped me I discovered the life I am meant to be living with the people I never would have met without him, the career I had always dreamed of, the city I fall more in love with everyday, and more life accomplishments through volunteering and running I knew possible (Hollywood movies that exemplify the upside to breakups: Under the Tuscan Sun, and Eat, Prey, Love if only there were more films about breakups being empowering).  And, while at the time I was completely devastated, I now realize that I am SO THANKFUL that I did not waste one more second with him. BUT back to the topic at hand: break ups can be MESSY, AND they can be particularly confusing and chaotic (DRAMA), in particular if you do not follow the three suggestions listed below:

"That's because failed relationships don't just hurt us, they also do damage. They impair our future ability to love and to live. And they consign us to a broken world, a world gone wrong, where our own best lights don't shine. They program us for defeat."
J.M Kearns - Better Love Next Time

1) DON'T CALL HIM/HER: Don't do it!  SPACE! You need it! and so does your ex.  So, in this example we will say that you are the dumpee so you have just been dumped, welcome to your next few weeks of your emotional roller coaster! Some days you will wake up missing him terribly.  But then there is going to be this moment (I guarantee) when longing turns to sadness (despair if you want to be dramatic), which often turns into a sort of deep pain in your chest area convincing your melodramatic emotional lunachick that she is quite literally suffering from a broken heart.  And, then when this pain lingers too long it begins to turn into anger.  Anger comes along because pain is so uncontrollable but anger, well good old anger feels like power (even though it is not). And then sometimes comfortably numb coasts in and it is oh so welcome because it takes away from pain and anger.  It is no wonder during this volatile turning point that you should NOT be calling your ex! Because you are an emotionally unstable lunachick (I would know).  The conversations you are about to unleash on your ex (let's face it in the hopes that your state will inspire a make up session) are not coming from the right place.  You may also come across as a bit of a lunatic with the changing seasons of your emotions towards him so just stay away from the phone.  Also, on the flip side DO NOT ANSWER! you do not answer that phone or those texts, no matter what your ex is saying.  Of course they are going to say all kinds of things because they want you back,  stay away from them.  TRUTH - you broke up for a reason.  It got to the point where it was too bad to work through it so one of you left.  There millions of sexy fish in the sea, be easy on yourself and stay away from your ex it will only lead to more confusion.  I would REALLY, REALLY like to emphasize this fact if you are drunk.  DO NOT DRUNK DIAL YOUR EX.  I cannot list enough reasons on the unlimited space of this blog as to why drunk ex texting/calling is a terrible, terrible idea so just stay away from that too.  (FYI, I have not followed this advise in the past, so I am telling you that this is REALLY important).

"You will remain in rebound mode for the rest of your life and see each new relationship through the prism of the past. If you don't work out why things went wrong before, it will always remain fresh." 
J.M Kearns - Better Love Next Time

2) Face 2 Face: So you have completely disregarded the point of number one and somehow manipulated (or perhaps been manipulated by your unsure ex) into a sit down.  This is a very bad idea.  In a few weeks (or even better a few months!) than absolutely sit down and befriend your ex.   BUT NOT directly after your break up when your emotions are on red alert and your hidden motives are a plenty.  AND PARTICULARLY if by some reason you have not heated up the sheets with rebound sex because you have been burning the candle for their return.  You will most likely end up either in a heated battle of the exes over trivial things that may end up in one of you getting a black eye from a shoe, or in heated make up sex...that is not actually make up sex but is actually break up sex??? Confusion is to follow.  Or on the rare chance you do get back together than also congratulations hopefully you are not like the majority of couples I see out there in the ridiculous pattern of make up/break up relationships that drive everyone mad.  I have often lured my exes back into our relationship with the claim that we must meet face to face for "closure." Ah yes the infamous closure which actually means I want to lure you in so I can talk you into getting back together, and of course they think closure is good because they feel bad about the break up too.  I know now this is a) manipulative and b) ridiculous! The best thing to do IS NOT to see your ex after your break.  Let me tell you if for a week your ex ignores you and stays broken up with you that is closure.  There is no better way to tell someone "Hey we are over!" Than by ignoring them full on and sticking to being broken up.  Anything else is just an excuse to hear your exes reasoning and hopefully talk them out of it.  Just stay away from your ex until you realize that you two can be friends.  I often gauge my ability to be friends if I think of them with another woman and it does not cause that little painful twang in your soul.  You know the one, it has barely began to sink in to you that the two of you are over but then there he is on damn Facebook with his new love interest happy as can be. W. T. F....and you feel a twang, a twang that does not feel good.  Well when that twangy-ness is over, congratulations, you are ready to be friends with you ex.  Exes can make great friends, don't get me wrong.  They can be amazing pals that you turn to for advice and whatever you need for sure, but NOT directly after they have ripped your heart out.  On the flip side if you just ripped out their heart and you are being friendly...QUIT IT.  Stop right now as you are just leading them on and part of you knows this so enough.

"The way they injure you is that you can't go forward, they teach you false lessons about yourself, make you feel inadequate in areas where you weren't really.  You were just with the wrong person."
J.M Kearns - Better Love Next Time

3) Celebrate being single!! Oh ya your f*$king single! Look at you now! Now, I am not saying celebrate being single tastefully but the second you start posting on your social media how happy you are to be single and how happy you are that other person is out of your life you are acting like a total jerk! You are taking away from what you and that person had, you are insulting your last relationship and lastly you are in turn insulting your last partner by insinuating they were some kind of horrible person to be with (perhaps in my case not entirely unwarranted by my exes, my apologies).  But, here is the thing, social media can not be taken back.  You permanently told your 800 or whatever friends your opinion about your ex and there is no taking that back.   Too often I see people post in anger about their ex, you are totally sabotaging the chances that person will ever be friends with you first of all.  Second of all you look like a bit of a lunatic, venting publicly about your issues and lastly you are obviously just wanting attention.   Venting your hostile or rude comments on your social media does not solve the issues at hand, in fact, it only further complicates them.  So BE TASTEFULLY SINGLE! Go out, let your hair down, dance with a twenty something year old art student, take a shot with a sexy Brazilian, enroll in that salsa dance class you have always wanted to, do all the things that your fun single self enjoys.  Don;t spend your time posting photographs of you doing body shots with some breasty blond with a caption like "best night of my life b#tches!" Don't friend a million women on Facebook and then post publicly about how hot all your new single friends are and don't spend your time posting words that are lashing out from your broken heart in the hopes of getting a reaction out of you ex.  The fact is you are NOT writing those words because you are thinking that they are good, NOPE! You are writing them because you are being spiteful and hoping they see those words and feel what you are feeling.  What are you doing?  Check yourself and start living your own life.  Embrace your new found single status with grace, notice I did not say with meaningless rolls in the hay here, as I blogged before you will only find discouragement if you look for it between the sheets of every stranger you encounter. But, find a healthy outlet for your emotions, and recognize sometimes when things end it is for the best.  (Some of you may be thinking I am hypocritical here because my blog is not always flattering towards my exes, however, this blog is just as much about self recognition as it is about others.  It is a look at both exes and myself and names are never used.  And, this outlet has made me realize so many awesome things I would have never thought about so it is for self actualization and TOTALLY not for attention and pity, that is the truth).

"Sometimes, happiness itself is the hurdle you can't get over,"
-Kearns - Better Love Next Time

It is right when you are in the midst of your break up therapy that you will meet someone very intriguing, let's call him The American.  And, perhaps I met him in a bit of a haze because I was headed home from being out downtown, and I may perchance met him on my commute route, and also, probably only because I was confident (possibly slightly intoxicated) and asked to listen to his head phones...to which numbers were exchanged....to which in the morning you don't really remember his name or even what he looked like (HEY! It was only about 15 minutes of interaction on public transit, give me some slack).  So I saved him in my phone as "The American" because it sounds sexy, doesn't it? (I'm thinking Clooney, I'm thinking foreign, I'm thinking accents...mmhmm).  Regardless we some how end up texting everyday.  In fact he does not seem offended when you ask for his name or for a picture, he is also not get offended when you raincheck on him several times because you are not really sure if you are ready to move on (and because you are anxious to spend time with someone your drunk alter ego picked out).  But, when we chatted for long enough and he gave me time to sort myself out I realized he is actually pretty unique. In fact, he is pretty awesome.   BUT! you are not one for rushing (now), and amusingly enough neither is he.  In fact when you try and ask him to hang out again or just a little more time when you do finally hang out, he says "No." Ugh, N followed by O.  My two least favorite letters paired together.  And, yet when it comes to it his immunity to my womanly charms only makes me more curious about him.  So while perhaps it is just friendship unfolding, perhaps it is nothing, perhaps it is something....who knows, but the intrigue that he presents has me guessing what comes next, and that is what being single is all about.  Till next week XOXO.