5 New Relationship Don'ts

"Oh what a shame that you came here with someone"
Keisha

Unfortunately it is right when someone gets your level of weird that he will possibly not be up for grabs. Let me explain.  While chatting with The American he told me that while I was taking time to figure out if I was over Mr. TooGood he met someone else (Curses!).  Hearing these words from someone who you have become quite fond of  is like pressing pause on the minutes of a stop watch.  Where once there was hope, instantly there is a bleak out look to your situation and you feel a slight tightness in your chest.  BUT! Of course you try and act like you are totally fine with whatever he has going on because he extended that courtesy to you after all....didn't he?  Yes, so you shrug and say that he is welcome to do whatever he wants.  While all the while inside hoping that what he will want is to get to know you, and not his someone else (karma is a cruel mistress).   And, you may be reading this thinking I have done a complete 180 from my previous views of dating so I will tell you why I have grown so fond of said man: 1) I know The American gets my level of strangeness, because when I am really quirky and say odd things he quirks right back (typically men tell me how odd I am but laugh or say I am funny) thus this feature is EXTREMELY rare, in fact only one other person I have ever met has given me this amusement and it was not the level that The American offers, 2) he has not wooed me with trivial actions or purchases, he has won me over through pure conversation and personality, which is also very rare, and 3) he inspires me to always be honest (never feel like he is judging which allows me to tell him things and be myself), but most importantly 4) he makes me only want to date him, NOT keep any other options open as I have been doing in the past, in fact he makes me pretty much uninterested in the fact that other men live in this city, and that is quite the feat (it may have something to do with the fact that he is ridiculously sexy too).  So I began to think about dating and relationships and the potential different ones have and formulate the following five relationship no-nos for those of you who are interested:

"You've got to know when to hold them, 
Know when to fold them
Know when to walk away
Know when to run"
-Kenny Rogers

1) Ultimatums. So it would be grand to live in a world free of ultimatums but let's be real.  Such a world does not exist at this moment.  Ultimatums I suppose are made for couples that have been together long enough to truly care if they remain together and who know one another fairly well.  (But, it should be noted that ultimatums just make head strong women such as myself and men do the exact opposite of your demands, because of an explanation too long to go into here, but basically it is a "I DO WHAT I WANT" mentality. ) Thus new couples should not try ultimatums at the beginning of their relationships because you are still both living your own lives and  there is not much too lose, also, no one wants to be with a control freak.  There is therefore no real threat if that person is in your life or not is there? Not really.  It is not like you have a joint bank account, a house together, children, etc. No you most likely have spent some time together and do enjoy one another's company but in reality that is all.  So if one person says they are pulling the plug and draining your relationship of their presence you are most likely going to say "Whatever makes you happy" and carry on your way.  (Of course there are sometimes when these words are not sincere and they are a test in which case run for the hills, poking the bear, is poking the damn bear no matter what your logic).  So if you are having problems in your newly budding relationship and feel like breaking up is the only answer to "change" someone, give your head a shake.  You do not have the power to change anyone, and who do you think you are trying to change someone anyways?  Let someone who loves them just the way they are find them, and if you are feeling hopeless in your situation, than you should probably just break up now because that is a HUGE RED FLAG.  Must I remind everyone that the beginning is sunshine, lollypops and rainbows?? Honey moon phase should be all smitten and not loathing the one your with!

"These boots are made for walking, 
And that's just what they'll do"
-Lee Hazlewood

2) Sarcastic texting.  Actually perhaps any important conversations via texting period.  Texting is not as good as conversing in person or on the phone for so many reasons but the main reason is that emotion is not expressed and you can not read a reaction (AND also damn autocorrect....autocorrect can make so many things go wrong).  So a perfectly simple text like "Do whatever you want" which can simply mean what it says, or it can be sarcastic, or it can be in anger, there are so many ways for four simple words to be misconstrued in so many directions from one simple text until you and your new love interest are somehow in a battle royal over a simple text that was perceived wrong.  Sigh.  Save yourself the discomfort of these battles and in the beginning try and keep texting to a rational level.  Then, when you do text remember that this person does not know you, you are not texting your BFF so wade carefully into unchartered waters.  (On a side note The American and I text all the time and we hit it off right away in this manner, so there are exceptions to the rule...there are always exceptions to all rules in the game of finding love, remember that!).

"F*ck what I said,
It don't mean sh*t now."
-Eamon

3) Don't sacrifice your life.  So there you are it is Friday night and he said he might call you, but your girls are all out and texting you like mad cause the beats are sick at the club but you decide to stay in and to your dismay he does not call.  This is foolish for two reasons...One: You just gave someone you barely know complete control over your life. Two: You just missed out on living your life. Let me explain the former.  By letting his words control your night you gave him complete control over you, and the fact that he did not call is a bad sign.  You are already handing over the keys to your life and begging him to take the wheel, I smell desperation in the air.  On the latter note, you now missed out on a great night with the gals! Damn it! Those nights are the best aren't they?  They are a hell of a lot better than sitting alone waiting by your phone my dear.  Let me tell you it is a hell of a lot sexier to a man if he calls you and you are out living a fun life than if he calls you and you are just panting in his face like a lost puppy dog.  (And, this pattern once you initiate it will define your relationship with him, I have seen this pattern for years with Ms. K and Ms. M in their relationships, don't waste away in the shadow of some one else).

"Here I am waiting by the phone
Find myself night after night alone."
-Krepiz

4) Play make believe.  Oh yes, you are just starting out in the world of relationships and isn't it fun?  This person does not know you so guess what?  You can create any person you chose to be for them to perceive you as. How much fun is that? Creating a false sense of who you are is actually just avoiding the inevitable! (Because, for some reason you feel as though the person you actually are would not be taken well and fallen for.  You are totally wrong, you are awesome I am sure).   You can make believe all you want that you are the perfect woman and love to cook and clean, and sew, and curtsy...but your words don't make these thoughts true.  Of course we all some what candy coat ourselves when we first start dating, we would not want our new love interest to know what we looked like without make up now would we? HA! I say throw caution to the wind and just be your crazy self.  (Truth with The American I wore no make up the second time we hung out and am totally honest...to which he has not ran for the hills...yet...winning!).  The fact is the person you are with is eventually going to realize you are NOT the painting you have created of yourself! And, the person that you are meant to be with will like your quirks regardless of how strange they are, so try starting your relationship by just being you. I guarantee the person you are meant to be with will get you right from the start and anyone who doesn't is not your lobster. (Friends analogy used "lobster" = life mate)

 "Mean what you say, 
and say what you mean,
 cause those who mind don't matter 
and those who matter don't mind"
-Dr. Suess

5) Fools rush in.  Now given what I said above about The American you may be thinking I am rushing.  But, I am not.  Deciding to get to know one person at a time is NOT rushing anything.  It is simply knowing when someone is worth getting to know and going with the flow.  So back to this last point, DO NOT RUSH.  What is the rush??? Yes of course the honey moon period feels amazing.  You think about them all the time and want to see them everyday, you get butterflies when their number pops up on your caller ID, and you anticipate their texts, and why shouldn't you?  It is just happiness and fun at the start.  So take your time and enjoy it.  DO NOT! Rush into labelling, and meeting the parents and moving in within the week.  This is a HUGE mistake I made with Mr. TooGood and Mr. X, I did not know either of them well enough and rushed right into an committed situation.  Take your time.  The thing is if you hurry love you are just hurrying your heart ache.  You do not know the person you are with and you are rushing to where?  What is your hurry? If that person is your soul mate they are going to be forever, nothing will change years from now if you are meant to be so why are you rushing? Rushing just leads to poor life choices with people you should have taken the time to get to know.  Clearly I would know. And, some of you may be thinking throw caution to the wind and live a little! And of course this is fun, but not when it comes to huge life decisions like which city to live in, whose place to choose, and meeting the family.  These are not small milestones that are easy to move on from or forget, be ready for them.  Also, while you are rushing into something and then trapped by Mr. NotRight, Mr. Right may be someone you meet and you never know because you are so caught up in the wrong love affair to notice.

"Wise men say 'Only fools rush in."
-Elvis

But, not all is lost with The American.  While he made sure to be honest that he had met someone else he also did not say he had ruled me out just yet.  Good conversation and intellectual stimulation can go a long way in a girl's favor.  So, given that he gave me time to sort out my affairs, I decided to return the courtesy and now am waiting on the bench until I called him into play, I suppose it is only fair even though I have literally no patience.  So once again I am asking you readers to route for my team in this scenario because it is not very often a man comes along worth the wait.  Until next week, thanks for reading! XOXO

"You don't have to worry it's an open invitation,
When you're ready come and get it." 
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