“Why
is it there are so many unmarried women in their thirties these days, Bridget?”
“Well, I don't. Suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our entire bodies are covered in scales.”
-
Bridget Jones
While
taking relationship advice from a 31 year old single woman may not be
ideal. Taking what not to in
relationships is probably a good idea.
1) Know your limit, play within it.
(1)
Did you know
“the
human spinal cord, part of the central nervous system, is generally around 17
inches long, and extends from the brain to the lower back.
Your
spinal cord is protected by the vertebral column (also known as the spinal
column or backbone).
The
human spinal column is made up of 33 bones - 7 vertebrae in the cervical
region, 12 in the thoracic region, 5 in the lumbar region, 5 in the sacral
region and 4 in the coccygeal region.” (2)
What
an amazing part of the human body, that often gets forgotten when we enter into
relationships. I have often lost myself
when with the men of my life, I either agree with them on topics I strongly do
not agree with, go with their future plans (kids in the country) when I dream
of the opposite. It is very hard to
remember your own guns when you are busy sticking to someone else’s. The hard part is that once you lose footing
of your own dreams your whole life can become complex and unsatisfying and you
may not even know why. The important
thing is that you must stick to your beliefs and your dreams, and most
importantly remember not to sacrifice your morals. I will share with you one of my very low
points in my dating career. I was with Mr.
AA, we had a fight over who knows what now, he went out to the pub and home
alone, or so I thought. The following
morning I felt bad about our argument so I dressed in his favorite color and
went to his house to take him for breakfast, only to find another woman in his
bed. The low part is that I stayed with
him. He had taken my self-confidence and
so when he told me that the other women meant nothing to him, I was in a
position where I believed that this made me special. Newsflash past self! It actually means that
you were totally lost in a terrible relationship. See, I lost my respect for myself and self-love,
and in return of course your partner loses those things for you. Thus he feeds you complete bullshit like the
lines I stated above. RESPECT yourself!
Know your worth. Set up your limits and
do not let anyone take them away from you.
The second you loosen your grip on your own moral code you are susceptible
to not only feeling lost and shitty but also for others to lose respect for
you. This pattern I repeated in my past
relationships because I was truly out of sync with my ambitions. I would move to a new city with Mr. X and
think that everything would work out because at least I was in love. Let me tell you what I have come to realize is
: you need more than just love in your life. If your dreams and self-esteem are taking a
beating than you need to reprioritize yourself and change something so that you
are back on track with what is the best future for you. Never again will I sacrifice my dreams or
integrity for anyone. I strongly suggest
you do the same.
2) Play
nice with others.
(3)
So
perhaps he has the worst sister in the world.
In fact just to think of her makes your skin crawl because she is truly that
awful. Here is what you need to do. Suck it up buttercup. It is his sister and there is no getting rid
of her, unfortunately. Or perhaps it is
his shallow aunt with the tummy tuck, or his mom with her Opera book club
advice, or his friends are truly rednecks that are slightly racist and mostly
alcoholics, or whatever it is that you loath in your face as his not so
wonderful social circle. This is the
only case where I would counter my suggestion of number 1, if you are lucky his
family will not live next door and you can escape them. So play nice, with his friends, play nice
with his family it only makes life easier. In fact according to the “Why Men
Marry Some Women and Not Others” 35 percent of marriages occur because of
family pressure/approval. In fact
according to the same literature over 80 percent of men bragged about their fiancée
being someone that they could proudly introduce to their family and friends. So if
you want your man to be happy, NEVER make him chose between his family (or
friends) and you because that is just down right awkward. For example if he chooses you and then a year
from now you are still together, you know he is going to want to see his family
and friends, come on it is an impossible battle, in particular if he is close
to his family. But with this said, if
his family is cruel or unusual to you and he stands back and does not stand up
for you, then he is a douche. There is nothing
worse than a man who does not stand by his woman. But these are five tid-bits
for you to avoid not tid-bits on identifying douchery. Furthermore, behind closed doors if you are
rude to his friends (and family) you know that they are staging a full force
attack on you. I have seen this done
behind the evil girlfriends back many times by men. If you burn the bridge which is your man’s
friend kingdom, they will plot their revenge against you, and it may not be
subtle. If you cannot stand your man’s friends
than just separate yourself from them, but never try and take a man from his
friends (we discussed this in a previous blog) it is grounds for war.
(4)
3) Jealousy
is ugly. Kick jealosy to the curb. It is not healthy. It is toxic on two levels, first it is toxic if you are crazy jealous. I will admit, I have for sure been crazy jealous. We all have had our issues, but the second you realize you should not have to check your man’s phone or email because you will not find anything on there, the better. I have found several incriminating texts and emails in the past; hence I went a bit crazy for a while. But that was then and this is now. I just realized something, jealousy is useless. If you are acting jealous remember that it has the reverse effect you are going for as it only drives your man away. It also creates insane behaviour that seems justified but should really be avoided at all cost. Be confident in your relationship and have a little faith in yourself that you are the only one for the person you are in relationship with. Beyond how awful jealousy makes you both feel it is also a huge cause of disillusionment, prior to your jealous outbreaks you were most likely appearing very sexy and confident, but once that jealousy comes out, well, let’s just say it is needy and unappealing. If your partner makes you feel jealous, by oh let’s say inappropriately groping your friends or coming onto other women in front of you, then this is actually a sign of douchery. This is actually not jealousy if you notice this, it is a huge sign of disrespect and you should probably dump this jerk before he cheats on you with one of the millions of women he outwardly flirts with.
Always, check your jealousy monitor though, I often ask my friends “Do you think that was inappropriate, or am I just being crazy?” The trick is to ask your true friends; the ones that will full on tell you that you are being a lunatic. If you have a unanimous consensus and your feelings that something is not right than figure out a plan of action. On the flip side if you are with a man who is insanely jealous, than this is just a toxic, in particular if he tries to control you. This can actually become a form of abuse, at first I thought jealousy with Mr. AA was a sign that he cared about me more deeply than anyone, but after a while I realized it was a way to control me completely. Jealousy can be a terrible tool of manipulation, so basically do not give or take anything to do with it. Lastly, if you are trying to get attention by making your man jealous than you need to seriously reconsider what kind of attention you want. I once went on a date with a man who told me that men earn jealousy, if they are good men to their women than they have the right to tell them what to do. RED FLAG!
(5)
Oh it is so easy to have things bought for you and to fall
into the pattern of the man taking care of you. Unfortunately this leaves you incredibly vulnerable
to become completely financially dependent on your man. This may seem totally fine if you are in a
stable relationship, but let me tell you, it is not. How can you respect yourself as a woman if
you are not able to support yourself? (I
have heard women say they are stay at home mothers, this is a very different
story of course and is not considered in this section because it is too foreign
to me and complicated.) If you are
physically able to work and do not because you enjoy being a gold digger than I
feel sorry for you. There is nothing in
life more satisfying than supporting yourself and not being dependent on a man
for anything! Also, being dependent on
your man for money opens the flood gates for him to criticize you for spending
his money and for fights about money.
Life is easier when you have your own money. In the opposite of this regard, if you are
supporting your man than that is also ludicrous! What kind of man cannot
support himself? No man that any decent
woman should be with. Be completely
financially stable on your own and then find a man who can keep up or vice
versa. Of course, there are some
instances that men should offer to pay your birthday, first date, Valentine’s
Day, etc. But always keep your finances
ready to go, that way if one day he gives you a week to move out, piece of
cake, you hire your movers and go, no skin off your back. Financial independence is freedom.
5) Ch-ch-changes!
(6)
David Bowie was right in his lyrics that time can change us but we cannot
change time. Another thing that we cannot change is other people. Some of you
may be reading this and thinking that is not true that you have changed a lot
or someone else has. Of course everyone has the ability to change themselves,
but you do not have it. But, here is the situation that makes me write this,
none of my exes changed the behaviour that really bothered me even though I
talked, nagged, pleaded, fought, etc. until I was blue in the face for them to
change. Also, Ms. K has had the same fights over the same things with the same
man for almost two years. See if you are in love with some parts of your
partner and your relationship BUT really want to change other parts of the
person you are with than you should probably move on. There is no changing a
man who does not want to change. But I have already blogged about this topic at
length. So that is all my dating DON’T knowledge to pass on to you.
In my unsuccessful dating life I have learned that online dating is just
like real life dating. The only difference is that you meet online, and for some
reason that makes men more sexually deviant. I had another wild experience
where a stranger wanted to talk at length about my fantasies, like those are
just given away for free to random men, nope. So, I have two more ODEs to
share:
Rejection sucks, but it is part of the dating game. You cannot have rejection without trying.
ODE 4: ODE 4 is also very handsome. He is a Croatian masseuse, so he has
a sexy accent and who does not love a good masseuse, he gave me a mini shoulder
rub and hand rub while we enjoyed some mojitos. I am not sure what is going to
happen with ODE 4 as we are texting and have a second date. There is one small
quirk of his that I did not find endearing. He always says “Oh boy” in places
where most people would say something like “That is crazy” or ‘Wow”or “No way” It is a bit of a PG 13 saying
that sounds so unfamiliar that it stood out. But besides this quirk, there were
no red flags. Only time will tell.
I have decided to try at least ten ODEs before I determine my final verdict on this way of meeting men. In real life it is still very easy to meet men, they are everywhere and friendly so I guess I am lacking in the conviction that online dating is even necessary. Also, some girlfriends of mine have decided to try speed dating....so that will be a whole new saga to blog about! Stay tuned! And thanks for reading! XO
References:
2)
Disabled World - Disability News for all the Family: http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/spine_picture.shtml#ixzz2NIYz1aQ8
Disabled World - Disability News for all the Family: http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/spine_picture.shtml#ixzz2NIYz1aQ8
4) I am
naturally a green eyed monster (my pic from Facebook)
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