The young man came to the old man seeking counsel.
I broke something, old man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I can't help you.
Why?
There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. It's in a million little pieces
-
James Fry A Million Little Pieces
Ms.
M is making herself suffer in quite a predicament these past few months. She is trying to give it her all in a
loveless relationship because she feels like she just needs to try one more
time. SIGH!!!! If only I had a nickel
for every time I heard this type of reasoning! Ms. M a few weeks ago said this
to me “Okay, this is it, I am doing it, the thought of him touching me makes me
sick” When you reach this point where the actual thought of physical intimacy
with your partner gives you the heeby jeebies it is time to let go. I have had this feeling as well; one day you
are blissfully one in the equation of two and the next the thought of the other
one in your equation makes your skin crawl.
It is like a switch in your arousal has been flicked from turned on to
turned off, except unlike the former position the turned off position is
virtually impossible to recover from. In the infamous words of Nathan Amor at a
house party a few years back in reference to his friends breath taking
exgirlfriend “Show me any hot chick and I will show you a guy who is tired of
F#*&ing her” This phenomena seems to ring true in both genders. Is it boredom? Or is it the little gross
secrets we find out in the comfort zone? Or is it the spare tire/muffin top
that has been increasing these past few years? Or is it falling out of love? Or
just what is it that makes that touch that gave you goose bumps and warmed your
heart now make you want to gag? “The bottom line truth is that beauty fades
over time. If you’re going to remain married to someone for sixty years, you’re
going to see hairlines recede, boobs sag, bellies pooch, hairs turn grey. And if
you’ve picked your partner primarily because of the way he or she looks, you’re
going to have a very hard time sustaining real attraction over the long haul of
marriage. Real attraction, like real love, is sustainable, solid, and grows
over time. It would behoove you to learn about it now.”[i]
Thus when you fall out of love, you will fall out of attraction, or if you have
chosen someone that attraction is all you had, then you will fall out of that
with time too.
The issue is not really falling out
of love, or falling out of attraction, or whatever you want to coin it. The issue is breaking it off and walking away
once you have reached this point. I am
not going to go into details here about the perfect break up because words such
as perfect and break should not be paired so easily. Essentially break ups are hard, you are
either hurting someone or being hurt and either way it is not fun. “People stay in unsatisfying and/or toxic
relationships for a variety of reasons: fear of being alone, fear of change,
the comfort of the familiar vs. the fear of the unknown, financial reasons,
children, religious beliefs, etc. We tell ourselves it’s not
that bad or things will get better as a reason (i.e.,
excuse) not to make a difficult, but positive change. Unhappiness
in your primary relationship affects every area of your life—physical and
mental health, career and other relationships.”[ii] Staying in a situation enduring passionless
sex with someone you would rather not even be in the same room with is just
such an awful thought. You are not
helping yourself or your partner out by staying in a situation that makes you
miserable. The amazing thing is, is that you might actually not even realize
how miserable you are until you are freed from your current relationship, as
was my own case recently. But, let`s focuse on Ms. M, I will reiterate what I
said to her:
Ms.
M: “It just is not the right time; I do not want him to be unhappy at Christmas
time”
Me:
“God, what a ridiculous reason, let me tell you, you are never going to wake up
one day and look at him and there will be a sign blinking ‘today is the perfect
day to break my heart.”
The
truth is there is never a good time to break up with someone, but the time when
you want to break up with someone is the time when you should. Staying in a relationship and accumulating
more stress and resentment is not the answer. “You may be tempted to stay with
someone just because they’re available and willing, but this is generally a bad
idea. There should be some chemistry in order to have a successful future”[iii]
The answer is today is not a good day
for anyone to break up but it is the day that you are going to, end of
story. But, after you endure the pain of
rejection, eat a gallon of chocolate, then run a million miles, then dye your
hair, then drink a gallon of vodka, or whatever your grieving process is you
are going to be a sexy beast! Your sexiness level is about to bounce off the
charts
(These are two pics of me taken by Tasha and Nova from my fabulous facebook collection)
Before: Hair not well kept, no makeup After: BAM! New look, new life! New hair, new make
no style a few extra pounds here and there. up, new clothes, new style, new thinner waste line, new everything, what’s radiating is my new confidence!
After a
break up a large percentage of women and men refresh their looks. “Losing
weight after a traumatic event or relationship transition--like divorce--isn't
at all unheard of; the stress, anxiety, and dramatic change in lifestyle can
easily lead to loss of appetite.”[iv]
Some women attribute their new look it to being sick and unable to eat,
drinking too much wine (drunkorexia) or numerous other things, it has been
coined the `divorce diet.`[v]
They also hit the gym or some mysterious way the pounds just melt off of
you. All that stress and all that
unhealthy weight you had on you before in your comfort zone of munching out
late at night, poof disappears! Your skin begins to radiate because you are more
focused on you and your health. You
accentuate your sexy features such as your voluptuous breasts or tight butt
because you can! And you know what? Damn girl! You look fabulous doing it!! You
become a sex bomb! Everywhere you turn men will literally be cat calling you
and asking to buy you a drink, and it is not just thanks to your new look it is
also because your new self confidence.
Whether you were brave enough to walk out of something toxic or you were
dumped out with the morning trash you will be a new version of yourself.
This is not
to say that you should sail away on your new confidence and forget your former
self completely. “After a breakup, once
you truly grasp the lessons and learn from them, you're likely to do everything
possible not to make the same choices the next time. If you have to go through
the heartbreak of a breakup, it's better to at least make sure you're getting
something in return for all your hard work.”[vi]
The truth is that once you pick up all the little broken pieces of the old you
and glue them back together there are certain new bumps and groves that you cannot
completely repair. Those groves remind
you that it is possible to fall too quickly, love to hard, live to fast those
scars are what create your new confidence, at first you think “Oh these scars
they are forever, they will never heal they are too deep” but the truth is they
should not heal fully so that you can always reflect on them and remember never
to make the same mistakes. I had a conversation with my dear friend Ms. Eagle
after my last break up and it went like this:
Ms. Eagle:
“Don’t worry lady you will meet someone amazing”
Me: “God I
hope not, what if I am just burnt to ashes, all there is, is ashes and there is
no coming back from this one”
Ms. Eagle:
“Or from those ashes rises a Phoenix!”
X&ei=lHfkUNfJIqOriQLXr4DoBg&ved=0CDIQsAQ&biw=1280&bih=838)
There is something about women which allows us
to hear the most insane comments from our sisters with a nod of approval. We take in what they are saying and say
things like “No that is NOT crazy” Or “Oh, that was a bit crazy but who
wouldn`t be!” There is always a level of commitment to one another that never
wanes and they have the most endearing compliments. My dear girlfriend Ms. B
and B wrote me a gorgeous note recently about being amazing, it instantly
lifted my spirits, and I know I can also always draw on my lovely lady Ms. Mack
Attack for the same pick me up. We have
an amazing network of women all around us primed to feed our self esteem. Ms. K, Ms. J, Ms. M, Ms. A, Ms. B and B, Ms.
Mack Attack, and Ms. Eagle they all have an uncanny ability no matter if I am
at fault or not to rally in my good name.
So once you have glued yourself back together, been super charged by
your lady friends, your new look and outlook is in full effect you will be
ready to take on the world of men. The
scars of the past are a constant reminder of “Hey I lived through that, bring
it” They allow you to carry on more wise than ever before. It is actually this new confidence that
attracts the moths to your flame! “Confidence. Men are attracted to women
who are warm and confident.”[ix] You know you are a great catch and that you are
worth more than the past has accredited you with, you raise your standards a
little higher, you my lovely little minx are a sex bomb and men begin to notice
you which in turn makes you feel even better about yourself and thus the
healthy cycle continues.
(pic from: https://www.google.ca/search?q=picture+of+woman+with+many+guys&hl=en&tbo=u&tbm=isch&source=
univ&sa=X&ei=SHfkUODYM6O6iwLPuoCADg&ved=0CC8QsAQ&biw=1280&bih=838)
It is
strange that one must experience the lowest moments in order to appreciate the
amazing women around them all the time, and also to discover how fabulous they
are themselves.
It is this
week I finished Malcolm Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point” and it is a
fascinating read. At Mr. Elevator’s
suggestion and also borrowed from him. I should back track for a second, Mr.
Elevator was a bit reserved about lending said book to me but lent it to me
anyways, something about if we did not see each other again than his book would
be lost, which is completely understandable.
In all honesty his book slid on the ground of the
car as I drove back from Christmas Break with my sister. Unknown to us the carpet which the book sat
was saturated with water, so the book soaked up as much as it could only to be
found by a distraught me at the ferry terminal wilted pages, ripped back cover. Sad face.
So my sister replaced the ruined book while out shopping the following
day and she took the weathered copy to read on her own. Crisis averted! The funny thing is that when
I told Mr. Elevator about it, he did not seem to mind if I would have given him
the atrociously ruined copy all together.
“You did not have to buy a new one” he nonchalantly mentioned. Just another cute quality of the opposite
sex, they allow you to get away with things that they really should not. So in
the end Mr. Elevator’s reservations about lending me the book are very logical,
given I destroyed his copy. Could be
worse it could have been a limited edition signed by the author! A long, long
time ago Prior to Mr. AA I dated Mr. NiceGuy, Mr. NiceGuy is to this day exactly
that, he is a great guy I am responsible for the demise of that relationship, I
was a complete ass and often ponder if karma is not kicking me in the face from
time to time for my behaviour towards Mr. NiceGuy. But, that all aside Mr. NiceGuy use to give
me all the older more worn items to use, for example if we got a new camera I
could use the old one. I began to notice
this trend and one day asked him why this was the case, to which he gave me the
older camera once again and said “Here Vic, if you can go on your trip and come
back with this camera in the same shape than we can talk about it” Oh! Off I
went determined that I would be the victor of this challenge. Sadly I was not, he was right. I came back with not only several new
scratches to my ratty old camera but I had gotten sand behind the lens and it
barely opened. It would appear that I
should only be entrusted with items of lesser worth that are preferable water
proof or better yet bomb proof. No
regrets though those items lived a hell of life when by my side. Thanks for reading!! XOXO
NIzuigLg8YGQBQ&ved=0CDIQsAQ&biw=1280&bih=838)
[i]
“When You’re Not Attracted to Your Partner” Sherly Paul March 19th
2012 Conscious Transitions
[ii]
“12 Signs You Should Break Up with Your Boyfriend, or Girlfriend, or Spouse” A
Shrink for Men Jan 20th 2009
[iii]
Ibid.
[iv]
“Do you Lose or Gain Weight After a Break Up? Why Jennie Garth’s Friends Are
Apparently Worried About Her, Post – Divorce” Lexi Petronis Sept 8th
2012 Glamour
[v] Ibid.
[vi]
“9 Lessons from a Breakup” GirlsGuide.com
[vii] http://www.unileverusa.com/Careers/insideunilever/oursuccessandchallenges/dovemovementforselfesteem/
[viii]
9 Lessons from a Breakup” GirlsGuide.com
[ix]
“3 Ways To Attract Men If You Do Not Look Like A Model” Annie Gleason Feb 23rd
2012 Your Tango
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