Why Men Are Dicks.

“It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him. … I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman; I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.”
― Coco Chanel

[i]

There have been several mind boggling incidents lately between my lady friends that have made me shake my head at the insensitive nature of the opposite sex.  It has made me really explore my relationships with men and calculate that there are three ways in which you can decipher if the men in your life are jerks, based on the way in which men own these tendencies.  We all have the capability to be jerks, but it is how we relate to this feature that depicts how we will treat others.  Let me explain, if a man claims he is always an ass, than he is.  A perfect example of this mentality happened to Ms. J recently, Mr. D who she had an argument with after he called her the C word (you may remember from a previous blog) and he had this explanation for her.  “Well I am just an asshole, it is just the way I am” If a man ever give you this reason, run away as fast as you can.  He has given himself a green card on being a complete jerk to you.  He is out right telling you that he is accepted he is a person who is awful and you will too.  In this scenario there is nothing to be surprised about, some women, myself included have spent years dating Mr.D because they like his confidence, or they like his attitude, it is a truly baffling phenomena but it happens.[ii]  Women love jerks.” This is the type of man that when spoken about, your girlfriends tell you, “Grrrrrl what you doing with him!’  But you still find yourself wanting him despite what your girlfriends tell you. “[iii]  The good news is, and perhaps the only good news when involved with men like this, is that in this scenario you will not be blindsided by the fact that he cheats on you, or when he calls you fat.  Mentally you are prepared to take a confidence beating with these men in your life. 

The second type of man is in my personal opinion the best.   They are typically a well rounded, happy and nice person to all people, but they do not let people walk over them.  They are not afraid of confrontation because they do not have to prove they are a nice guy all the time. They have the ability to stand up for themselves, for what they believe in, and they are not in denial of their ability to be a bit of jerk sometimes.  They will say things about themselves such as “I have the ability to play the role” “Sometimes I am a such a jerk to Joe, Bob, Bill, etc. usually a lifelong friend” they are confident enough in themselves to own their personality flaws, and the great part is they are not blaming anyone else for these flaws.  They are saying that is part of who I am, it may not make them proud but at least they know somewhere deep inside their great personality stomps around a little jerk that gets out from time to time.  These men are men who you should cherish in your life, they are hard to find.

[iv]

 The third type of man is the most dangerous!  They are men who claim they are the nicest guy. They say such things as “All guys are such douche bags but not me” (Mr. X’s infamous line) the problem in statements like this is that: “the key to successful bragging without coming off as a jerk is to avoid comparative bragging. When you say “I’m the smartest person in the room”, or “I’m the best that’s ever been,” you’re insulting people”[v] Thus not only does this man think that he is better than all other men out there he also thinks that he is the least douchey in all the land. Also, be weary if he clings to statements such as “I am ALWAYS a laid back guy” If a man ever claims he is nothing but sunshine, lollypops and rainbows he is in denial of his abilities to be cruel and that makes him in a position of ease to convince you of the same thing.  All men have a little jerk in them.[vi]  A man who always claims to be  a nice guy who is laid back will also not stand up for themselves and will NEVER stand up for you, these men are cowards, they do anything to AVOID CONFRONTATION they have no ability to tactfully deal with pressure situations and will not ever make your opinion feel valued as they cannot even honor their own, they will however trash talk everyone they come in contact with until they are blue in the face because they are irritated and unable to properly express themselves.[vii]  It is this third type of man that will hurt you the worst because these men will win over your trust, you think “Sigh, finally a nice guy” You become overly trusting and content in his lie but then one day at a cocktail party you see him cop a feel on your best friend, when you ask him about it he says this “Oh I have to hit on your friends so they feel good about themselves because they do not get attention from men” or you are at a party and you hear him call every girl in the room gorgeous which is something you were foolish enough to think was reserved just for you, but of course he has the same confident explanation for that too, all his actions benefit others, even when he trash talks his own friends you think he is doing it to spare their feelings.[viii] What he does not realize is “An air of humor and humility is important as well; it’s one thing to be proud of something, but another entirely to think that being good at something makes you inherently better on the whole. It’s good that you’re at the top of the leader boards on Trials HD, but carrying the attitude that everyone else should prostrate themselves before you is unattractive. A little head-nod towards humility - “I don’t mean to brag, but I’m actually really good at this…” – goes a long way towards defusing an instinctive mistrust towards bragging. Treating your bragging rights as something amusing rather than something that demands acknowledgement makes it easier for others to take – especially if it’s something that might otherwise make you seem obnoxious”[ix]  In context this type of man will think that because he is such a great guy that everything he does is a great feat even if it offends or has the potential to offend others.

But, it was this pivotal event that opened my eyes to this third type of man, the wolf in sheep’s clothing:  after building a life together he breaks up with you via text, giving you 7 days to move out, while dating a girl from Small Town Nowhere that you introduced him, while he is saying things such as “I hope you hit rock bottom” “I understand now how your last boyfriend abused you” and my personal favorite “I have to treat you so mean so you get it” It is right around this point (in case you could not figure this mystery out this is how things ended with Mr. X) that you realize you have been conned by the biggest Douchbag of all. Men that claim they will never treat you poorly and pretend they are always acting in your best interest are the ones that you should be the most cautious of because they will completely blind side you when you least expect it.   Also, you should follow your instincts, you are completely capable of acting in your own best interest without this man guiding you.  These men promise you the moon and stars for ever and say they would never ever hurt you and you being in love believe this deceit. In the infamous words of Bob Marley ““The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”   I am here to warn you that this type of man has the ability to destroy your confidence and is NOT worth suffering for.  These men typically also blame you for their actions of cruelty, prior to Mr. X  there was Mr. AA (I call him this because he was the following Abusive, Addictive, Arrogant etc.) through my years with Mr. AA I developed a personality where I began to feel other s actions were because of my flaws. This attitude is a by-product of the abusive cycle.[x]  I actually thought that if I was just a better person or treated people differently that I could fix all my relationships.  While I took six months off dating between Mr. AA and Mr. X because I knew I had to work on myself it was not enough time to recognize this psychological trend and heal it. 

[xi]

Thus because I full on believed Mr. X was the wonderful person he claimed to be I blamed myself for every flaw in our relationship. I should of course own my words during my last break up, I did say bold things out of the hurt of my broken heart, I was Pandora’s Box of crazy things but they were just words.  I did not do anything nor would I ever do anything to harm anyone.  Now I look back at my words and laugh but in order to do so I had an epiphany and it was this “I am not to blame for how someone else treats me.  I am responsible for how I treat others and that is it” It is in the mind frame I realized that I was not controlling how others were treating me, they are in complete control of that.  What a relief!   While I said some hurtful things how those words were perceived and dealt with, or rather not ever dealt with, was NOT my doing.  It is also important to note that those words were from a wide array of emotions that I experienced during a painful time, one moment you miss someone and want them back, the next you lash out because they hurt you[xii], and in hind sight the messages I sent are humiliating.  This may also help you readers, there will be a time when you look back at your compromise texting or voicemails  (Compromise is the term used in “Better Love” to describe the phase of your break up, it literally means you throw yourself under the bus trying to compromise in order to keep you ex) and you will think that is not who I am now. I actually offered to commute from Vancouver to Courtenay (A four hour commute one way including a ferry) so that I could have a good career and maintain our property.  Ludicrous! Insane ideas seem so plausible when your heart is oozing from the break.   However, now with the break mended these notions seem totally bonkers! You will one day look back on what you deemed romantic and “win back worthy” and think “Wow, I was an insane person” but insane or not how your ex or your current love interest treats you is still not all your fault.  

However, with this in mind I still wanted to know, why when men are jerks and in particular why when the person they are being awful to tries to be nice do they seem to get even worse and not better?  The answer fascinated me, GUILT.[xiii]   It would appear, and IN PARTICULAR in cases where men actually believe they are nothing but sugar and spice and everything nice, that when they act out in anger and their little jerk comes out because they are overwhelmed by SHAME.[xiv]   They are embarrassed that they are capable of being so cruel to another human being, because while you were believing they were never going to be a douche so did they. They do not want to deal with the fact that they have hurt you.  They are ashamed; they feel guilt and women being women we want to talk about it.  That is actually exactly what men in this state do not want at all.[xv]  It is easier for them to blame you completely than accept that they are capable of being complete jerks. This can also be understood in the concepts of the Narcissist and Codependent.[xvi]   In fact the nicer you are to them in trying to understand their actions the meaner men are because they feel even more guilt.  They increasingly become crueler because they just want to get away from the entire situation and in particular the person they blame for it.[xvii] They also feel this way because instead of being a man who can be proud of his actions he is being a coward and he just cannot handle being emasculated.  There is something important to know in this situation, you are not the reason they feel guilty, they are.  They are guilty and ashamed of their own actions, the way they reacted and who knows if they should be or not but the important thing is how each individual acts is their own doing.  An interesting study was performed to identify individual strengths and weaknesses the Values in Action Inventory of Strengths (VIA-IS) and it found that each individual is different.[xviii]  Every individual deals with stress and relationships differently.[xix] You absolutely must not mope around thinking you made someone treat you a certain way, nothing is further from the truth! But, you must also own your own actions in this sense, if you do something awful to someone, it is your fault, you did it, it does not matter what that person did to you it does not justify it.  Two wrongs do not make a right!  Once you realize this about yourself and others you may feel a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders, but you may also feel guilty if you think that you have treated someone poorly without cause.

[xx]

As for Mr. Elevator, I took a few days off of talking to him while doing my soul searching on this one. 
Not that I just abandoned communication I nicely told him we would chat on the weekend and he agreed that sounded good and then I went to work on myself and this blog, unbeknownst to him.  Admitting how others have treated you and how you have treated others can be a very hard thing to do.  It can also bring up some issues you should deal with on your own. I strongly believe when you start a new relationship it should be exactly that, new.  I am not going to drag the negativity of my past relationships into my new ones and neither should anyone.  Everything is fresh and exciting when you start dating.  It is great! It is futile to taint the future with the stains of the past.  While the past holds great examples for this blog and awesome paths to self actualization there is no excuse for trash talking your ex to your new love interest it is just cheap.  There was a moment the last time a slept over at Mr. Elevator’s apartment (Oooooohhhhhhh – movie sound effects here insinuating sexy times were had of course) The moment was waking up cuddled up in his comfortable bed with his twelve year old cat Eddie cuddled up too and it felt so nice.  There was no doubt, no confusion, no past hostility, there was only that exact moment, and it was flawless.  What happened about 5 minutes after that moment was flawless too but we will keep that under wraps for now.  Those beautiful moments where you feel happy and accepted are what make trying new relationships work.  I personally hope that Mr. Elevator is the second kind of jerk; I can handle that type of jerk.   We discussed this topic lightly just the three types of jerks nothing more, nothing less and he said that he identified with type two the most, which indicates that he does not claim to be a great guy all the time, also when doing so he did not compare himself to other or put anyone down, what another relief!  I would like to take a moment to give props to Mr. Elevator that our last date consisted of him making dinner for me at his place and it was really great.  He made stuffed pork tenderloin, twice baked potatoes, asparagus, French bread, and a nice green salad.  He told me he got advice from a friend of his that was a chef, mad props for thoughtfulness and it was really delicious! I have never had a date that put so much thought, individuality and preparation into a quite dinner at his place. The truth be told I have no idea what the future will hold and it is the most amazing and exciting feeling.  There is no certainty with Mr. Elevator and I, there is no commitment of a house, or any other obligations, there is only enjoying each other’s company for the sheer fact of just that enjoying each other’s company.  I can only keep optimistic for the New Year that things carry on smoothly as they are. After all he did tell me it was hard to meet girls in the city in a conversation about meeting new people and I am pretty great so the odds are in my favour.  Thanks for reading all! Hope you had a merry little holiday. XO

 

[xxi]

P.S If you have read this article and identify yourself as a douche please feel free to read this link and improve upon your disorder:

http://rainysunshine.hubpages.com/hub/stupidmen

PRIZE WINNING QUESTION!!!

-          What kind of jerk is your current love interest or previous love interest and why??

-          This question will be evaluated by a panel of five lovely ladies and put to the vote! Thanks for your participation! The prizes will vary from gift cards to books and also may win you a request to be a guest blogger if you are interested!

-          PLEASE EMAIL YOUR RESPONSE TO victoria_redlon@yahoo.com all entries to be submitted by January 2^nd 2013

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[i] http://www.google.ca/imgres?q=pictures+of+men+being+slapped&hl=en&sa=X&tbo=d&rlz=1R2BBKB_enCA507&biw=1280&bih=838&tbm=isch&tbnid=teNd2bc5v3jheM:&imgrefurl=http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/2011/01/26/how-to-get-slapped-in-the-head-by-me/woman-slapping-man/&docid=kwhKB80qnYqIrM&imgurl=http://guidetowomen.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/woman-slapping-man.jpg&w=450&h=315&ei=ip3QUKWYIqf5igKIjoG4Bw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=2&vpy=130&dur=1415&hovh=188&hovw=268&tx=130&ty=88&sig=105660013920483651936&page=1&tbnh=143&tbnw=204&start=0&ndsp=34&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:88

[ii] “Why Women Date Jerk’s & Assholes Instead of Nice Guys” Drew Gerald The Polyman Jan 12/2012

[iii] “The Three Types of Men” http://www.askugg.com/2007/03/09/the-three-types-of-men-introduction/

[iv] http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://datingwithdignity.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/jerk-pic.jpg&imgrefurl=http://datingwithdignity.com/2010/10/are-all-men-jerks/&h=480&w=334&sz=106&tbnid=DSPeCuGgMbgCMM:&tbnh=96&tbnw=67&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dpictures%2Bof%2Bmen%2Bbeing%2Bjerks%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=pictures+of+men+being+jerks&usg=__kilTJFerfswJDLctYm6pazVyb6Y=&docid=1JcbNV05OnOp6M&hl=en&sa=X&ei=jnLcUJTlMYj3igLwsoGIBQ&ved=0CFEQ9QEwCg&dur=168

[v] “The Truth Behind Why Men Are Assholes” Elite Daily Dec 27^th 2011

[vi] Ibid.

[vii] “Be A Man Stand Up For Yourself” Corey Wayne http://www.understandingrelationships.com/be-a-man-stand-up-for-yourself/10256

[viii] “Why Women Date Guys Who Pretend to be Nice” Josh Bernard Digital Journal June 6^th 2012

[ix] Ibid.

[x] “Why Men Have to Lie to Women” Matthew Fitzgerald Ask Men

[xi] http://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men+checking+out+women&hl=en&sa=X&tbo=u&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca:IE-Address&rlz=1I7BBKB_enCA507&tbm=isch&source=univ&ei=n3TcUNeTNqK9iwLs-ICoDg&ved=0CC8QsAQ&biw=1280&bih=838

[xii] “Why Men Frighten Women and Women Shame Men and How It Destroys Relationships” Jed Diamond Ph D http://www.scribd.com/doc/25017356/Why-Men-Frighten-Women-and-Women-Shame-Men-and-How-It-Destroys-Relationships

[xiii] Ibid.

[xiv] “What’s Shame Doing to Our Men?” Wayne M Levine Better Men

[xv] “Shame: The Quintessential Emotion” Holly Vansocy Ph D Psych Central

[xvi] http://www.fightbusters.com/Narcissism_and_Codependence.html

[xvii] “Oh The Guilt! Why You Blame Yourself For Everything When You’re Depressed” Alice G Walcon Forbes

[xviii] “Why Women Blame Ourselves When Dates Go Bad?” Maura Kelly Marie Claire April 13/2011

[xix] “Why Do Stressor Affect People Differenly” Elizabeth Scott M.S About.com Sepember 29^th 2012

[xx] http://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+cute+guys+with+dogs&hl=en&tbo=u&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca:IE-Address&rlz=1I7BBKB_enCA507&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=vXrcUKakPMfuiQLTqoCwAw&ved=0CDIQsAQ&biw=1280&bih=838

[xxi] http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://www.shape.com/sites/shape.com/files/imagecache/node_page_image/article_images/cuddling-article.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.shape.com/lifestyle/sex-and-love/5-health-reasons-make-time-cuddling&h=370&w=635&sz=25&tbnid=kroSCpijeGJhcM:&tbnh=69&tbnw=119&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dpictures%2Bof%2Bcuddling%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=pictures+of+cuddling&usg=___uM7HMhp085VA8bUfHVPbVoaAkw=&docid=4RIjBu5JHpozxM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=pYDcUMP-LsTtigKn7YAo&ved=0CEcQ9QEwBw&dur=284