“"That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
-
Shit My Dad Says
Reflecting on the conclusion of last week’s blog about Mr.
Netherlands I came to pondering when exactly you know you are on a date. He asked me when we were out for dinner, half
way through our meal if we were on a date, I have to be honest I was wondering
the same thing. How does one know when they are officially being asked out on a
date or if there is just networking going on? “One-on-one outings with an attractive person can be
confusing. If it wasn’t explicitly labeled as a “date,” an invitation to a
dinner/movie/hike (hike?) might mean anything from “he thinks you’re marriage
material” to “he sees you as a networking opportunity” to “he has no other
friends.” [i]
In searching through endless articles on this subject there seem to be some
standards that the majority of literature can agree on they are: You make plans in advance and you put effort
into those plans, on the outing you will know if there are compliments
exchanged, he pays and he touches you. One of the standards is also that you
are both single but I would have to say, including myself, there a lot of women
who have unbeknownst to them, been out on a date with a married man before so
while in an ideal world married people would not have dates with anyone but
their partners it is not reality. Also
there is some controversy about payment, when I asked my coworkers in our lunch
room who should pay on a first date the following scene ensued: My female Co-worker, we will label her Ms. L
said “I offer to pay if I am not interested in the guy” To which my male co-worker
we will label him Mr. O said “Really?” Then it turned out that Mr. O had
recently had a date with a woman who paid who Ms. L knew very well and his date paid so he
asked her if she thought that was why things had not panned out between them to
which Ms. L answered honestly that she did think that woman was not interested
in him. Then in walked Mr. B and he said
(In his thick Scottish accent) “If you
ask someone out then you should pay, it is whoever does the asking that does
the paying” There were all kinds of comments from all three and when asked I
flat out said “Look if a man asks me out and he wants a second date than he
should pay for the first and we will go from there” This small social study did not help clarify
a unifying dating standard as you can see.
There is also the pressure associated
with when a man pays; “If he asked you
out and picked the restaurant… is he planning on paying? You wouldn’t have
picked such a pricey, bloated place. If he tells you to order whatever you
want, he’s not only planning on paying, he’s going to be HAPPY about it. And if
he truly doesn’t mind paying for your meal, he’s probably hoping to get some.”[ii]
Let me clear the air, if someone buys me dinner that surely does not buy them a
one way ticket to paradise, there are special companies where women will have
sex with you for money so such a mentality is no longer warranted. However, this said with the modern woman
being sexual empowered, not to mention basically a sexual predator at thirty I
would be more concerned for the men out there on dates with thirty something
year old women when the woman pays. With
all the confusion about payment and classification of what creates a date the
best plan of action is to get clarity before the event. But, is it egomaniacal to ask previously to
the outing what the expectations are? No I do not think that all men that ask me to
go out are interested in me romantically, in fact I am often not even sure if
the man that I am dating at the time is actually interested me most of the time,
so I would hope that it would not come across as cocky to ask.
Clarity is needed, if you
have plans with a person who you are romantically interested in just ask, and
you can do so in a witty charming manner.
I once went on a date with a strange and very awkward man from Small
Town Nowhere and he said “Alright, I am calling this a date just for you to
know” there it is, in the once exclamation I knew where he stood. So when in doubt, ask, however I would not
ask if he is going to pay. Ms. J was
telling me about a girl that was on Plenty of Fish and was on a date with a man
and told him that she was performing a social experiment to see if she could
have 365 dates and not pay for dinner an entire year, in turn he made her pay. Asking if a man is going to pay for your date
can seriously back fire so never ask or assume such things. Lastly there is the controversial topic of
the hook up, the touch, the kiss, etc. What
physical connection does there have to be at the end of the night to be ranked
a date? It seems to be general advice to
test the waters first: “In the physical realm, there’s always the “does she recoil in repulsion?’
factor. If you brush her arm and she doesn’t pull away or play dead, you’re
probably gonna make babies”[iv] So you test the water with the touch factor
and if the water is warm you decide you may as well try to swim. But, does having sex on the first date make
you a one night stand, trashy or second date worthy? So off I went researching
away this age old question again only to find that this answer is echoed time
and time again: “Yes, a relationship can
come from something that started with sex on the first date.
There are some guys who will never date a
girl that sleeps with them on the first date out of principle, but the surprising
reality is that that’s only a small percentage of men who are that are that
rigid. For the majority of guys, what really counts (and what they’ll reflect
on) is the way in which the sex happened. That’s the real issue.”[v] Basically my advice to you would be to do
what you want to do; at least in the end you will have that satisfaction if
nothing else.
To complicate matters further I asked my dear
friend Mr. Suit when he officially thinks that he has graduated from a few
dates to full on dating. His answer was
basically that if he is fooling around with someone for a month than he would
consider them dating, but that he really does not count anything under a week
as dating. Then he asked me and I said
We must be hanging out on average twice a week, texting between hang outs for
three months before I would say it is official.
He looked surprised and asked why and I informed him because by three
months you have had your first disagreement, you have had enough time to really
get to know him and that is around the time you should introduce him to your
friends. I was actually shocked when I
looked up this concept!! Did you actually know that complete strangers consider
themselves dating after only four dates?!?[vi] It is so bizarre to me because that is how many
dates Mr. Elevator and I have been on thus far and while I may not be going on
dates with anyone but Mr. Elevator I certainly would not classify us as dating
at this point in time. Four dates is hardly enough time to get to know someone
at all, it seems very rushed in my opinion.
In fact it is typically held that the fourth date is when the
relationship is consummated;[vii] furthermore
some women may actually believe they are dating after one, JUST ONE good date!![viii]
Wow.
This opinion also appears to hold true when I
asked several other men. I asked my coworkers and they both agreed that it is
between the four to seven date range that they would think they are officially
dating the person they have been out with.
It would appear as though men view dating based on amount of dates while
I myself would gauge the evolution of my dating world based on time length. It
is my personal strategy to have the above mentioned time spent together with
communication involved with your person of interest for a month and then they
are at Face book Friendship level. This
gives them some generic insight into your personality, sense of humour and
pictures of you in less attractive days, also, if they are still kicking it
after a month they most likely enjoy your personality thus far and Facebook
exposure is the beginning to the introduction to your life. Did
you know there is actually a lot of literature about this? When to add your
love interest on Facebook? What a fascinating era we live in. Most articles
actually agree that it is not a good idea to add the person you are dating
until you are sure you are the same page, the reasons range from one person
claiming their relationship status while the other is not ready to jealousy
over photographs.[ix] Facebook is a great mode a communication and
I have nothing to hide on there it is just that dating and social networks have
the ability to get messy. From wall
posting to excessive messaging Facebook has the ability to make your completely
normal looking partner a mad man, thus it is best to try it out with a pair of
slightly worn in dating shoes.
The Second Phase in my dating strategy is the
Friend Zone; this zone comes into play at the three month point, typically
after the first disagreement has been completely resolved and you have not met
any nasty red flags. “Near the 3-month mark,
it's time to break communication wide open. It's called a check-in. No, it's
not something you can do online. In fact, it's a relationship-defining talk.
It's not about making the relationship something more than it is - it's just
about making sure that you know where things stand and what you should expect
to give to and get from your partner.
“[x]
The “Talk” as we refer to it in my circle of friends can be nerve racking, it
has the ability to both make and break your fresh little romantic tryst. It has the ability to make it if the two of
you are on the same page and agree to whatever it is you think you need to
agree to in order to each be happy. On
the reverse side it has the ability to break your budding romance if the two of
you have differing opinions, in particular in seeing other people. To be completely honest I more often enough
completely avoid this talk but as my sister warned me recently that if I never
have “The Talk” than I will never know if the person I am dating is not dating
other people and in turn will get burned, touché. It is typically around this time that I
realize the person I am dating should meet my friends. The Friend Zone is reserved for men that have
stuck it out through your quirks for 90 days; they show a general interest in
you for you. They handled you first
disagreement well and most importantly you both know one another without friend
interference. The friend zone usually
begins by drinks out, dinner, etc. with one or two of your friends or his or
both it is the introduction to your friends and the second layer deeper into
who you actually are as friends are a reflection of you in some way or another.
Also it does not mean that now every time I mingle with my friends my new love
interest will be there. Separation of
friends and man is like separation of church and state, they can influence each
other but if they were to have power over one another your complete autonomy on
your own personal relationship will be lost. “There should always be a
separation of friends and relationships, even if you do have a merged world of
the two. What I mean by that is its fine if you have time with the person
you’re dating and
your friends together, but that time should be limited when the relationship is
fresh. You need to have intimate alone time so you can distinctly separate your
former platonic relationship, and start developing your newly formed romance.”[xi] Thus
keeping your friends yours and occasionally his and vice versa is the best plan
over all. In my previous relationships I
had completely amalgamated my partners into my social life and it has only led
to first of all irritation over the fact that he does not appear to have any of
his own friends, there is a moment where you are having a ladies night at your
place and Mr. X just does not leave because he has not made any plans because
you are his social nucleus that you realize this will never work out. Secondly
amalgamating your love and friend life means complete awkwardness on moments
where you are trying to avoid one another or if your relationship does not pan
out.[xii] Slightly shared circles of friends is best,
not to be confused with completely separate circles because if you have never
met any of his friends than you begin to think that he is ashamed of you, which
in actuality he just might be. [xiii]
The third and most important level to me is
the Family Factor this factor gets introduced 6 to 8 months into dating, in
fact it may only be cousins, my sister, and some aunts until the 12 month
mark. The popular belief seems to land
around four months for this transition but it can also happen in as little as
two weeks however, to me this step is one that should not be taken so lightly.[xiv] (It
is also interesting that while looking into this I came across the abbreviation
SO for significant other now SO may be referenced in the blog too.) The fact is
your family is your family, you are not able to pick and choose them and you
also can not influence how certain people react to them. If you have a colorful family that you love
dearly but feel that others may not fully appreciate their eccentricity it can
keep you from allowing others in, in particular if you’re fabulous fam has not
been received or treated well in the past by your Mr. X. This kind of rejection can be excruciating
because it is not only the rejection of your foundation[xv]
it also means that you basically now have to choose between someone that by a
year you deeply care for and your family or you try to juggle both without
crossing them over very often and it is just brutal. Anyone that does not take your eccentric
family with your eccentric self does not truly care about you. In the infamous words of Marilyn Monroe “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you
can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my
best.” All the wonderful amazing things that you do for your man, from cleaning
his place, knitting his mom a scarf for Christmas, baking him cookies every
Sunday, etc, all the things he loves about you are accompanied by things that
he is not going to as well. Not everyone
is going to love everything about you and the company you keep. But, when the good outweighs the bad and you
realize the little things that you are not crazy about are really not that bad
because you cherish all the amazing things than you just rock both sides of the
equation, in fact the longer you look at the little irritating things as not
that bad they actually become not so bad.
This theory works particularly well with awful people, if nothing else
you can take the fact that you are nice to them is probably driving them crazy
more so than letting them get to you.
The Final Level in my Relationship saga is somewhere
between one and a half to two years Making A Love Nest happens, which obviously
means moving in time! This can be a make or break act so it is best to wait
another year and half to two years before you make anymore large relationship
choices. And, vuala you are at the
treacherous three year mark before you know it! There are also small trips and
what not that you should also be going on all along the time because knowing if
you can handle travelling with someone is key to longer term success. Some may think this view a bit rigid but
really if you do not have relationship goals like life goals than you are like
a trout swimming upstream, and good luck with that!
Now, as for Mr. Elevator it was on our last
date that I realized something, I was discussing this blog actually and he
leaned into me over a delicious bowl of Pho and tells me to read Malcolm
Gladwell, that based on our conversation he figured I would enjoy the
read. It was during those words that I
realized I have never heard these words from a love interest. Suggesting literature based on a conversation
and based on what they think I would like to read. Honestly Mr. X read one book our entire three
years together and it was based on a video game, maybe you know it Halo? The
sad reality that I could not actually ever recall a man suggesting literature
to me based on my likes, besides university professors, made me realize I have
been dating all the wrong type of people. If you treasure literature and enjoy curling
up with a good book often than you probably should be with someone who enjoys
the same, or at least knows how to read. In a previous blog we examined standards, I
have come into realization that the standards I set earlier for myself: Shelter
and Employment are really not standards but more of necessities. So I have decided to revaluate those said
earlier values and replace Shelter (As it should be a given) with intellectually
stimulating or literately entertaining.
I have decided to leave the second standard Employment open to be
replaced by something more than a necessity in the near future. Intellectual sharing is something I have
from all my amazing girlfriends so why on earth would I settle for a partner
that has the IQ level of a comatose patient? Mr. Elevator also introduced me to three of
his comrades this week. Ms. J cancelled
on me on a Friday night so Mr. Elevator invited me out for a drink, when I
arrived two of his friends were in the mix, they were very nice, funny, well
employed and attractive, all an accurate reflection of himself. So, it would appear that he is more lax in
the relationship progression or as usual men do not worry about such things as
much as women. Only time will tell
really what the future holds. Thanks for reading! See you next week!
[i]
“How to Tell If You Are On A Date” Jessica Porter Smosh Pit 09-19-12
[ii]
Ibid.
[iii] http://www.google.ca/imgres?q=pictures+of+men+and+women+on+date&hl=en&sa=X&tbo=d&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca:IE-Address&rlz=1I7BBKB_enCA507&biw=1280&bih=838&tbm=isch&tbnid=gEnuqFNbiFq04M:&imgrefurl=http://www.saidaonline.com/en/print.php%3Fgo%3Dfullnews%26id%3D939&docid=53jOf5o0BPe2xM&imgurl=http://www.saidaonline.com/en/newsgfx/Couple%252520on%252520a%252520date.jpg&w=483&h=320&ei=u6DLUJO6Gor1iQKxtYDIBQ&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=391&sig=105660013920483651936&page=1&tbnh=130&tbnw=191&start=0&ndsp=35&ved=1t:429,r:10,s:0,i:118&tx=67&ty=61
[iv]
Ibid.
[v]
“Is Sex On A First Date A Relationship Killer?” Ask A Guy http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/sex-on-the-first-date-relationship/
[vi]
“How Many Dates Does It Take Before Its A Relationship?” May 26/2009 http://thisguyguidetowomen.blogspot.ca
[vii]
Ibid.
[viii]
Ibid.
[ix]
“The Rules of Dating and Facebook” Ashley Hesseltine July 6th 2011
Date Night Magazine
[x]
“The 3 Month Check – In: Does Your New Relationship Need One?” Sarah Rae Shine
May 19th 2011
[xi]
“Should You Separate Your Friends And Your Relationships” http://friendsdatingplaces.com/2011/06/should-you-separate-your-friends-and-your-relationships/
[xii]
“How to Cope When Your Friends Break Up” Anna North Jezebel July 14th
2011
[xiii]
“He Won’t Bring Me Out With His Friends” theguysperspective.com
[xiv] “New Study Reveals How Many Dates People Wait
to Kiss, Say I Love You and More” Tracy Dye examiner.com
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