Thursday 6 December 2012

Back to Square One


“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

 

[i]

Back to Square One

Recently having had a phone conversation with Ms.K about how she literally feels like she is going insane over her man, has made me seriously think about the dynamics between men and women.  Ms. K like Ms. J (prior to her new beau), Ms. M and myself have all experienced moments where we have felt  like we are literally losing our minds over the way men act towards women.  Let me explain in detail, you meet a man and he is the most magnificent flawless being ever, he is so considerate in his communication, he compliments you, he is really the bees knees, the cats pajamas, the (insert any happy catch phrase you enjoy here) but then one day he goes out all night and does not return your call.  At first you do not allow your inner raging ‘she-beast’ out as she is only slightly irritated by his forgetfulness.  However, by the tenth time of him doing this and after lengthy conversations about your feelings over this type of behaviour, that you are not priority, etc, your she-beast is beyond irritated, what is she? Well she is full on pissed off.  And, while your sane happy self would love to live like you see so many women around you, calm, nonchalant and not bothered by neglect,  your she-beast, by this time has adapted her own persona, one you cannot always control, and she is fueled by all the crazy concepts you put in your head like this: “Oh it is three am and he is still not home, pffft, he is probably out with his ex, a woman better looking than me, that ‘Mindy’ from work...(and let’s face it we all have known or know a ‘Mindy’ character) Our mind races out of control and more importantly out of reality.  These thoughts which are completely fictitious are actually what make you enraged, the fact that he actually passed out on his buddy’s sofa at ten pm because he thought he could drink an entire forty of Whiskey never crosses your racing mind.  No, instead all the worst possible stories you can create from this one incident feed your She-Beast until, well, she just cannot take it anymore.

Most often when men meet your She-Beast they are mind blown.   One day you are their dream girl, the perfect woman, the woman that completely understands them and within about 15 minutes of releasing the beast he is contemplating if you may be Satan’s spawn.  It is a widely accepted norm that men react this way to confrontation in relationships because it stresses them out in a more intense way than their female counter part.[ii]  This all ties back to my earlier blog about men and emotions and their general fear of the socially unaccepted realm of feelings. However, in this particular circumstance he should be frightened by the capabilities of an enraged woman.  The abilities of an enraged woman are as old as history in such tales as Athena in her curse on Medusa and good old William Shakespeare in “The Mouring Bride (1967) "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." But, as ludicrous as your fantasies about what kept him from texting you all night are, so is his logic in attempting to tell you things such as “Calm down”, “You are over reacting,” and my personal favorite “You are acting ridiculous” Once your inner She-Beast has been released those words are like pouring blood in shark infested water to see if a frenzy will incur, and let me tell you, it will.  Some women have a very shy, dormant she-beast while others take theirs out walking regularly, but in the same respect some women are blessed considerate wonderful partners while others.....well let’s just say they are not as fortunate.  Every woman is different but in my exposure to all the lovely women in my life I have witnessed there is a She Beast in all of us.

[iii]

What is it that makes a woman lose her mental stability? Regardless of the she-beast (which I am sure many of you have figured out already is insecurity) let’s take the scenario above that I have been guilty of myself, and secondly Ms. J and Ms. K have been as of late. The perceived neglect when your man does not call or text you at ten like he said he would for the thirtieth time and he knows you will be upset so he also turns off his phone because he does not feel like being hung over and have you bitch at him until at least noon.  In turn you become a lunatic. It is like there is completely crazy person that precedes the release of the She-Beast.  Lord knows where this insane person comes from; she clearly escapes from some type of mental asylum and possesses women all over the world momentarily is my guess.  She is the person who fills your head with wild accusations but she more so is the person that makes you text and call him forty times because you think that he might just get it in your next text.[iv]  Here is the thing.  There is nothing for him to get, and even if there was he is never going to get it if you have already been through this experience a dozen or so times. He most certainly is not taking in what you are saying in your twentieth crazy text; in fact you are probably testing the limits of his mental stability. “One of the reasons why your man is ignoring you could be that you are scaring him away with the intensity of your emotions and feelings for him. Men really do not like possessive and jealous women and this is one way of ensuring that they will slowly start moving away from you. If you are the type who will constantly call your partner to find out where he is, then I suggest you stop this silly practise as soon as possible. Men really hate that and will feel that they are being tied down even though they are not ready. Thus, you will find that your man is slowly moving further away from you.”[v]   Basically the more women think if I can just talk some sense into him the less he is listening and caring about what you say, it is a sad truth of the miscommunications between the sexes.[vi]  I am so tired of thinking and hearing “Oh if he knows how much it means to me” or “If he knows he could lose me than he would change” Sorry to say my lovely ladies, but this is the furthest thing from reality that you can believe in.   Also, if you have constantly threatened to break up with your man in the hopes he will change, stop it right now, it does not change anything, in fact, one day that man will get tired of your empty threats and dump you himself.[vii]  (Trust me this will happen)  But, this logic is usually a sign the Pity-Monster is emerging in you after your confrontation has not ended in your desired outcome. The Pity Monster comes out after the crazy woman, and just a few seconds after the She-Beast.  The Pity-Monster she wants to sooth you, to make you think that you do all this crazy noise for a reason, for a hope, for a goal.  No, you do not, you do it because you have a communication break down and you are probably in a relationship that is either going to manifest itself extremely toxic or down in flames.  Trust me I have spent 7 years of my life in these multiple personalities and they will never get you where you truly want to be, which is happy and fulfilled.

[viii]

But, what is it that makes women feel the need to cling desperately onto the men in their life the second these men wander away and offend them in some way? Why is it so many fabulous, gorgeous, successful women I know become strange sobbing needy messes?  (On the extreme side if your man has violated your trust in the past, he has either cheated, almost cheated, or in some way wronged the sanctity of your bond and you choose to stay with him than you most likely will feel like this the rest of your relationship for obvious reasons, and you probably should “Once a cheat, always a cheat” is not just a saying[ix].  Once again trust me I spent 7 years of my life in this mental state as well) 

But, if you are with a genuinely good man what is that makes men do things that they know will really irritate the women they love and then act like he honestly could not care less? The simple answer is:  Power, wonderful, sweet, addictive, toxic power! Power struggles come with all new love, unfortunately.[x]  Taking the bad with the good and power is the hardest struggle.  See at first your man is memorized by you, you are also flawless in his eyes, he is blinded by love. He revels in the honey moon phase:

“When you saw her for the first time, your stomach did a somersault, your heart took a trampoline leap into your throat and your knees began to wobble like a Slinky down a staircase. She was, without a doubt, the most attractive woman you had ever seen.
There was a certain je ne sais quoi about her that was impossible to ignore. And so came the chase and the game of cat and mouse that men and women love to play. What is more fun than the thrill of the hunt? You both know that you want each other yet you pretend otherwise. Together, you revel in that beautiful and almost painful tension before you submit to temptation in a heap of emotion and passion. This is, without question, the best part of a new relationship.”[xi]

 Yes in the beginning he is unintentionally offending you[xii], it is through these mistakes however that your man realizes what bothers you and there is a moment when those mistakes that enrage you he knows about and realizes, “Hey, she is not the boss of me, I am, she does not respect me as a man” so he thinks he will do what he wants to do, and you are the one that will change or at least in doing his own thing you will have not changed him.[xiii]  And, some women will change, we all change, flex, and grow but how long can this song and dance carry on for without becoming toxic on the soul? There has to be an awakening, a moment where you realize you have been around this block a million times and nothing changes, you get irritated by him by something he either intentionally did or otherwise, you have the same reaction with the same outcome and then you are even more irritated that this time the routine did not change anything, and the reason why it did not change and never will is because you are using old material on an old problem.   Each problem has numerous solutions so I suggest next time instead of falling back on your old ways, take a deep breath and break away from that pattern, do something completely out of character, do something amazing for yourself and your partner, whether it be walk away or admit your wrong, whatever it might be, try something new for a change.  You may have to lose the most incredible person in your life to figure this out, but trust me it is a lesson worth learning.  It is a gem that I have recently discovered that I am not going to let go of anytime soon.

I have to be honest the title Back to Square One is because I have met someone this week.  We will call him Mr. Elevator, I truly wish I could stay on this hiatus and ignore the sparks of chemistry but if you could see his smile you would understand that sometimes a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do.  So I am reporting to you that my hiatus is no more, but then again given my social awkwardness, inability to successfully hold down a functioning relationship and the fact that yesterday was only date two I will not count my chicks before they hatch! I may never hear from Mr. Elevator again, which would actually be an incredible shame but entirely possible.   But, this hiatus was a complete avoidance of the opposite sex in all forms from dating to the bedroom and I cannot say I have been true to it given that last night was a great date.  So I will be blogging still about general observations about relationships and if things do not work out with Mr. Elevator than I will be right back on this fantastic hiatus thing, perhaps I should rename my blog my unsuccessful 180 day man hiatus.  In any regards I hope that you will keep reading my witty banter on the way of the relationship world and be happy that I may have a little spark with someone that is truly worth my time.  Until next week! Thanks for reading!

[xiv]


[ii] “Don’t Avoid Conflict Get a Back Bone” Micah Toub Globe and Mail January 7th 2010
[iii] http://teaser-trailer.com/movie/monsters-inc-2/
[iv][iv] “Wonder Why Women Become Clingy, Needy, or Drop you Like A Hot Potato?” June 7th 2011 http://theprickofthepen.blogspot.ca/2011/06/wonder-why-women-become-clingy-needy-or.html
[v] “Reasons Why Men Ignore Women” Steve Goh submityourarticle.com
[vi] Ibid.
[vii] “Wise Moves When Your Partner Threatens To Break Up With You.” Susie and Otto Collins Your Tango
[ix] “From Mistress to Wife: Now What?” Louise Lague Ladies Home Journal
[x] “10 Mistakes Women Make with Men” http://www.pariswoman.com/paris/reports/10_mistakes.htm
[xi] “The Honeymoon is Over: Now What?” Laurence Mitchel AskMen.com
[xii] Ibid.
[xiii] “Power Struggle in Relationships – Breaking the Cycle” Jaipi Sixbear Yahoovoices.com
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