Holdiay Separation Anxiety

The Grinch: "The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?"

Holidays! You have to love them.  Whether you are the kind of person who celebrates or not you still get time off of work (regardless if your job is awesome or not time off is still nice).  Everyone is happy and doing cheerful festive things and their is just an upbeat vibe around this time of year.  Until you realize that going home for the holidays means going home with out your love interest.  This is not a joyous thought.  Suddenly you miss them and are not really sure what to do about it.  While yes absence makes the heart grow fonder, you are already very fond of your love aren't you?  Recently The American went home for Thanksgiving and at first I thought it was no big deal five days apart.  However, given the absurd amount of money cell providers charge we obviously could not text as we usually do most of the day (Important to give credit to my Brazillian friend who introduced me to Viber! Much thanks! This app means you can text world wide pictures and all with Wifi, but this introduction came on my last day in waiting for The American's return).  Which left Skype, and at first seemed unnecessary given the short time he would be gone, but by day two I found myself looking forward to Skyping with him more than I had originally thought.  The thing is at first when you are separated from your love interest it does not really sink in.  You go along your day and you are usually at work and so you do not have much time to think about them.  However, it is that first long sexless night that gets you tossing and turning.  You can not text them, you begin to miss them terribly. and they are out of reach.  You miss the warmth of their body next to yours and then you realize that you have become pretty smitten for your current flame.  Now! It is only a holiday, relax.  You will survive, and when you get back you will be enjoy your lover even more because chances are they are missing you.  So the following are three patterns to avoid when you find yourself feeling lonely over the holidays:

``A merry Christmas, uncle! God save you!'' cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooge's nephew..."

``Bah!'' said Scrooge, ``Humbug!''

1) The repeater.  Now, I do not mean the hilarious game played on the movie Super Troopers, I wish! What I mean is the repeat caller. Truth be told as fabulous as the holidays are they are also VERY STRESSFUL time of year as well.  They are full of longer commutes, more bustling bodies, baking, making, visiting, parties, cooking, family, and all kinds of extra stress moments that can be irritating to everyone.  So, there you are in the midst of your very busy day and you try your lover except they do not answer.  Well, you are VERY busy, stressed and tired and you mentioned you might call today so instead of leaving a message and carrying on with your life you call, and call, and call...you keep calling because the more you call the more angry you get, the more angry you get the more you really feel like you need to call until they answer...STOP.  This is lunacy at its finest.  And, while at the first four calls your lover was in the shower by the 8th call they are beginning to fear you are insane and yes they are avoiding you.  Ask yourself how you would feel if someone called you a billion times in a row?  Would you want to talk to them?  No.  This kind of behavior can feel so justified because how dare they ignore you.  (It is important to note that previously when I dated Mr. AA when he would call a million times, or vice-versa we each thought it was our way of showing affection, if you feel this way you need to know that you are wrong, this behavior is crazy) Are you noticing that all that you are thinking about is you? This behavior can also be impossible to break if you and your lover have fallen into making this an acceptable pattern.  I would know.  I was once the repeat caller, but do you know what I realized?  It feels SO much more empowering and relaxing to just leave one message.  To fight the urge to call and call because then at least that person knows....trust me one message and they know.  Anything more and the only thing they know is that you are possibly psychotic. For all of you reading this thinking that you need to keep calling so they get it...THEY GET IT.  They actually get that you called, and wanted to speak with them from one f*cking phone call AND if you are with someone that you know for a fact ignores you intentionally than guess what?  Calling a billion times only gives them further incentive to ignore you.  The repeater is such a tragic move, and it is particularly hard to avoid around the holidays when you are apart, and you know he is at the office party with that cute girl from accounting that flirts with him and he is drinking, and did she just post a pic of them on facebook?!?! and blah, blah, blah...calm down.  Don't become a repeater because you fabricate excuses to be a lunachick.  Put down the phone and look around you, chances are you are surrounded by amazing people that would love to have your attention during this festive time of year, and they will not ignore you or make you repeat anything.

Grinch: "I must stop this *whole* thing! Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming... but how?"

2) Overreaction for attention.  This can be brought on by the stress of the holidays plus distance plus days without seeing one another plus etc...Here is what we all need to do: identify what you want.  If you are looking to blow off steam because your aunt is driving you mental with her incessant criticisms for not being married off yet with a bun in the oven, DO NOT take your stress out on your love. Another example if your loved one is out of service or not getting back to you in a timely fashion and you are feeling hurt because you miss them do not lash out at them with a series of unfortunate messages be-raiding them because they are not doing what you want.  DO NOT make empty threats because you want attention.  Stop.  Take a moment and ask yourself: What do I want?  The answer is most likely reassurance and affection. I know this because I have felt this way and I have acted inappropriately because I just wanted to know I was loved.  It is okay, we all do this.  Here is a recent example.  The American was coming to my place, at 6pm he told me he was commuting from work and on his way to my place.  At 8:30pm I told him that we could just hang out another day.  I did not really want to wait another day to see him.  But, I was also getting impatient and felt like he did not care about seeing me so instead of expressing my feelings I over reacted and said something I did not mean because I wanted him to tell me how he wanted to come over.  Now, I know this was not a distance issue but it is an issue that comes up even more when distance is a factor.  The only way I now know to do the following is because The American told me that when I act this way it bothers him so I thought about this and WHY I was acting this way and here is the solution I came up with:  When you feel the need to lash out ask yourself first why?  What are you feeling?  Are you feeling lonely?  Insecure? Angry about something else?  Figure out first why you are acting the way you are or what is making you feel this way.  SECONDLY and most importantly, identify WHAT YOU WANT.  Not what you want to do but you actually want.  For example do you want your lover to say they miss you?  Do you want your lover to say you are beautiful?  Identify exactly WHAT IT IS YOU WANT.  Then say that.  That is right say how you are feeling and what you want and leave it at that.  WHY?  Because you have said everything you need to say in those two statements, there is NO misinterpretation.  The thing is you can be mean to someone because you are hurt and you want them to hurt and everyone will just think you are a dick, or you can be flirting with all other men in the room and your lover will just think you don't care.  When we act a certain way because we want a certain reaction we are being ridiculous.  The only way you can know for sure that our partner knows how we feel and what we want is to tell them.  In distance it is crucial we remember this as we are going to feel lonely and miss the other person and want an emotional charge frequently, but identify what that is instead of causing fights.  Fights are so easy to instigate because they are attention.  They give us what we are yearning for even if it is in most detrimental form.  Fights are what we get use to because we feel powerful emotions and we want instant gratification for our feelings. Fights are negative attention that lead to negative words and actions.  Try talking about what you want in the positive and clearly stating what you want and how you feel.

 "You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch / You have termites in your smile / You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile / Mr. Gri-inch / Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the uh... seasick crocodile."

3) Ignore them till they smarten up, that will teach them a lesson!  Ya, this is the worst thing you can do.  As, I have frequented this enraging topic.  It leads to the repeater and other lunachick actions but this can be particularly hard to deal with in the distance of the holidays.  There you are Christmas Day you are having such a wonderful day, you have called and left your message for your lover, you are waiting, and waiting, and waiting and then the day is almost over and you feel a bit hurt that your lover did not care enough to wish you a good day on the holiday you both share.  Then they say "Oh well yesterday you pissed me off so ignored you..." STOP RIGHT THERE.  Are you f*cking serious? Oh so mature! To instead of talk about your emotions ignore someone, oh more mature to admit to ignoring someone to teach them a lesson! instead of talking to them to work it through.  Oh so healthy to admit you are being sh*t because you want to make someone feel like sh*t.  If this is you, you first of all do not deserve to be in a relationship with any one.  You are an emotional baby whose "lessons" (because they always say "I had to do this to teach you a lesson...") are pure and utter bull sh*t that no one needs to learn.  You need to learn to use your big boy words and say what the f*ck is the problem and what the solution is.  Plain and simple.  Guess what?  If you are doing this and you think it is SO successful because then everyone just bends to your will.  You are a total douche.  Period. Grow up.  There is no advice I could possibly give to someone who wants to ruin the holidays on top of someone who is so ignorant about human communication.  Ummm, I guess try doing the exact opposite of everything you are doing to be a decent human being, or put your house coat on and slippers and practice up on your "bah-hum-bugs" you selfish Ebeneezer.

 And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of *ten* Grinches, plus two!

Remember that you are probably separated from your loved one NOT because you want to be.  Most likely it is visiting family or an annual girls trip.  The added stress of a lover bugging the hell out of you while you are trying to wrap gifts, organize wine tours, bake treats, and juggle a million and one tasks all while travelling is never a good mix.  Further more if you are dealing with a fun trip and you want to relax but every waking second your lover needs reassurance your phone may get thrown in the pool by your girlfriends who actually came to spend time with you.  Let your lover have their life, don't try and BE THEIR LIFE.  You are part of it, and a very important part of it so just enjoy the fact that you have someone to miss terribly and that they will be coming home to you one day soon, hopefully with a present.  Do not turn your outside stress or missing them stress into lunachick actions, fights or worse silence.  Communication is SO essential during the holidays it is the glue that keeps us from not falling apart.