― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment
So this breaks away slightly from the pattern of relationships that I usually follow, but, I recently realized something about myself. This time of year I send out about fifty Christmas cards to friends and family. I get these cards specially made. This year after sending said cards out I got about ten cards myself and about a handful of thank yous. I do not send out these cards for any particular reaction of course. But, this lack of enthusiasm made me realize does any one really care? Then it got me to thinking why for the past, oh probably about twenty years of my life, I have been trying too hard. I have always loved to be the "friend" who sends things and makes things and bakes things....and then one day I just asked myself why? The answer is that bullying and emotional bruises had created this idea that I had to be more than just myself. When I was a young girl around the age of eleven I was told by a very popular girl that no one liked me and that the only reason she was speaking to me was because she liked my one friend. I never told anyone this because I was embarrassed. These feelings of low value were further imprinted on me as I grew into an awkward teenager and a boy said that I would look alright if I had a paper bag on my head. Recently I realized, FOR THE FIRST TIME! That these small hurtful moments had actually shaped who I am today. I had become consumed with winning people over through actions of giving. Not anymore. I realized something. I am worth love and friend ship without having to chase people. If someone does not want to return messages and constantly only chats when it is convenient for them so long. Relationships are a two way street, and I am no longer the one putting in all the effort. Let me tell you when I realized this. AND IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE I did NOT come to this revelation with ill intentions. I never thought "Oh that is it, I am going to ignore so-and-so and then they will know what it feels like." Not at. What I did think was that I am much happier when I stop over exerting myself. I feel happy now that I only put energy into good friends that I feel their energy come right back to me full on. The following are three revelations I had about bullying and maybe you will identify these in yourself or you will now what to say to someone who you see these in:
“I have a deep-down belief that there are folks in the world who are good through and through, and others who came in mean and will go out mean. It's like coffee. Once it's roasted, it all looks brown. Until you pour hot water on it and see what comes out. Folks get into hot water, you see what comes out.”
― Nancy E. Turner, Sarah's Quilt
1) You are just not good enough. I think that every person of the human race has felt this. A moment where you are just not pretty enough, not smart enough, not cool enough for something. This is the worst thing a bully can say to you. And, some of you may be thinking that you are not being a bully when you do this but you are. Bullying is saying or doing actions that make someone feel badly, bully's ogress others by hurting them with words and actions. When you reject someone and tell them you reject them because they are NOT good enough you are making that person feel terrible. You are intentionally acting to hurt someone. You are making someone feel like they need to change to be accepted and the truth is they do not. You do. You should never tell someone they are inferior to you, because they are not. And, if you have, I strongly suggest you tell that person that they are wonderful. And, some of you may be reading this and thinking that this only happens in childhood. I am here to tell you it still happens all the time your entire life. How many times have you been guilt tripped by a friend into doing something you did not want to do? Or by your lover to go somewhere you really were to tired to go? Or seen adult, ADULT women make fun of others? And, how many times have you said and done things NOT because you cared about the person (there will always be small personal sacrifices we make for the ones we love) BUT you did it because you were actually afraid of the reaction or the consequence or that they would not like you? You are not alone. We all have felt this way. I am writing this to say: "It is okay to do what you want, it is your life!" We live in a society where "selfishness" is thrown around to coerce others too liberally! Too many times I see people living for others and it saddens me because you should take more time for yourself, it is after all your life. So the next time you feel pressured and not good enough remember you are not alone. You have every right to say what you want, you make your future and you define your life and you are the BEST captain to steer your boat of life. You are worth two small letters that when paired together make a strong word: NO. Anyone who tries to tell you differently is NOT a good friend to you nor cares about you.
“No, we aren't civilized, even in our business suits and high heels. People are as mean as ever, and as predictable. Underneath it all, we are not so different from what lurks in the wild, perhaps we're worse.”
― Donna Lynn Hope
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2) What if..... These are two dangerous words that should never be put side by side to be honest. "What if...." holds us back from amazing things with amazing people in amazing places by instilling fear. The truth is what if can apply to a million circumstances for a million and one reasons but the only thing I want to hear from now on is "What if this will be amazing" period. I strongly believe this mentality comes from societal bullying too. When we live in a day in age where it is "so cool" to post pictures on facebook we deem not trendy or hip and then all laugh at their expense. For example Mr. X's cousin posted a picture of an over weight man enjoying the beach with his family. He was seated so yes the top of his butt was showing, and so what? He was on a tropical holiday. This cousin posted this image on facebook voicing her disgust where a group of people all commented and laughed. When a friend of this cousin tried to object to the photo she was ridiculed EVEN WORSE than the man by the cousin's MOTHER! (a grown woman, if you can call her that). This disgusts me to the core. This is bullying. This is judgement and this is where this HUGE FEAR of "what if..." comes from. Where we see children laughing and pulling pranks on each other that are of the cruelest attentions, where ex boyfriends send intimate pictures of their exes to humiliate them it is no wonder we live in fear of our "what ifs..." Here is what I have to say about this mentality SO WHAT. Of course other people's actions are terrifying, in particular when they are mean. But, there is no way that you should live your live in fear. I use to feel very defined by judgement and afraid to be myself. I was always worried that others would see me and laugh. AND THEN one day I realized that I did not really care if people laughed, or posted pictures or whatever because at the end of the day all that happened was that small action that really means nothing. Let me explain a little more here and move on to our last point. Here is the example from earlier a boy told me when I was around thirteen that I would be attractive if I had a paper bag over my head. I took from this that I was ugly, not worth affection, not worth relationships, not attractive to anyone, etc. but you know what actually happened? All that actually happened was a stupid boy (who years later asked me out FYI) said a mean thing. THAT IS ALL THAT HAPPENED. From this I CREATED a million and one ideas about myself that were exactly that. Things I created. None of these thoughts are true. All that happened was a boy said something rude period. And, you know we suffer with our self created drama until we have a break down all the time and why? All you need to do is think of what actually happened. Period. That is it. Everything else is just in your head. Once you realize this and I mean really realize that this is reality you will find new peace of mind I promise. I know this is a struggle in particular when we are surrounded by drama fueled relationships that tell us that we need to over react and create bull shit, so surround yourself with people that when you get lost in your drama pull you back to reality and say "HEY! this happened yes, and it sucks, but it was just this thing that happened, you are still awesome and you WILL LIVE to fight another day." This is true.
“I'd developed an inability to demonstrate much negative emotion at all. It was another thing that made me seem like a dick - my stomach could be all oiled eels, and you would get nothing from my face and less from my words. It was a constant problem: too much control or no control at all.”
― Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl
3) Assume! You make an ass of you and me. You surely do! I have talked about this before (let's be honest I have probably touched on all the above points at some point in some way) NEVER EVER make your thoughts someone else's. You really have no idea what someone else is doing or saying or thinking, etc. You do not know this because unless that person full on says to you "Hey I feel this..." or "I think this..." Then you do not know. You can assume until the cows come home but in the end all you have is a basket full of your fictitious creations. Assuming is very different than what if by the way. Assuming is this: You hear a friend of yours speaking poorly about someone and you assume that she speaks the same way about you and you stop talking to her because of your assumption. Assuming comes from being treated poorly by shit people in this world I know. But, you must have faith that there are good people in this world and that you deserve the best. Never settle for anything less. The truth is there are billions upon billions of reasons why people act the way they act and why and when and blah, blah, blah...if you start to assume that you actually know what everyone is doing and why all the time you are first of all wrong and second of all severely limiting your understanding of others. The truth of the matter is you can assume you know someone and what they are thinking and you could NOT BE MORE WRONG. Ask. That is the answer to all things. Ask! Even when you think you know the answer. Ask. When you are afraid of the answer. ASK! Asking is the only sure fire way you can truly know what is going on in your relationships with others. Ask and there will be no more fictitious realities hindering you. I believe that people do not ask and just assume because they are petrified that asking will set them free. Don;t be afraid of the answer, if some jerk tells you something negative they have in their head about you consider yourself VERY LUCKY to have found out they are a total dick and not worthy of your friendship for making you feel this way. Don't let your assumptions bully you. Yes, the truth is often hard to hear and you will not always understand the truth. A classic example is my dear friend who always assumes a million and one reasons for her man's poor actions instead of just realizing that he is not the man that is right for her. Assuming is a dangerous game. Assuming can make you believe false truths about yourself and your situation. BREAK THROUGH and join reality!! I promise you it is MUCH better over here with real bonds and happiness than it ever was in your assumed world. I guarantee.
“One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.”
― Michael J. Fox
Perhaps it is my upcoming 32nd year of life, my new incredible flourishing healthy relationship with The American, my realization of true friendship through my friends the past year and a half (having grown stronger bonds with long term friends and new bonds all together), my father's failing health, my realization of how incredibly lucky I am to have my family everyday. I am not sure what caused these revelations and my new perspective on friendships and adult bullying. BUT, what I do know is that the moment you recognize that you are not responsible for the way others treat you than you will be happier. When you stop making up excuses as to why people treat you poorly and just realize that they are not worthy of you you will be happier. The second you realize that you are worth love. Just you. Just the way you are. Not wealthier, not smarter, not prettier NOT if you give more. Just you. You exactly the way you are deserve to have friendships and love that are based on mutual effort. You will be happier. Quit wasting your life on those who do not deserve you. WE ALL deserve to live our lives. We all deserve to do things for ourselves. It is NOT selfish to want to be happy and do what makes you smile. In fact it is selfish of others to demand that you live in misery for their happiness. It is your life, start living it. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have nothing to fear, you have nothing to lose. Stop sacrificing your happiness out of fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of failure. There is nothing to fear. FALL PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIFE AND WITH YOURSELF! Until next week. XO
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