“If you cannot say anything nice than don’t say anything at
all”
-My Mother
(1)
Given my use of rejection and being rejected lately I have
decided that this blog needs to be focused on rejection etiquette. Having had a long conversation with Ms. K and
Ms. M about this lately (and I am sure many women agree) rejection should be
performed with honesty AND kindness.
Rejection Scenario 1:
This rejection really only works if you have only been on a
few dates, or one date (or if your rejection is based on something that you do
not want to say to that person because you know it will hurt their feelings. Of
course DO NOT SAY IT.) I do not walk around
telling every man I go on dates with the things I do not like about them
because that is mean spirited.
Furthermore I do not hop on this blog and berate the men I am not
interested in dating with all the flaws that I see in them for the same
reason. (Of course I make some exceptions
if the men are particularly awful as you have noticed) Cruel words are not meant for you to use to
make yourself feel better about rejecting someone. So here is what I say. “Thank you for the great (you can substitute
any positive word here: amazing, awesome, etc.) dates but I am really feeling
that we do not have a lot in common (you can substitute in words like chemistry
here as well) so I do not want to continue dating you as I know things will not
work out between us.” You can say you
are sorry if you are sorry, but I typically do not use a fake apology when it is
not necessary. I cannot help that I do
not want to date all the men I see.
Also, I feel like not being interested in someone is part of life, it is
not like I kicked their dog or grandmother or something atrocious, I am just
saying no thank you to further romantic interaction. It is important to note here that while this
rejection tactic has worked extremely well for me it has once been received very
poorly. With rejection it is always best
to get into a mind frame that you may not get a positive reaction. If the person that you say this to does get
upset, stay strong, do not cave. They
are getting upset either to hurt you or to try and get you to stay with
them. Either way, just stay calm, stay
kind, and possibly stay near an exit if things begin to escalate to lunachick
level.
(2)
Scenario 2:
This scenario can be used in any dating situation. (Once again all rejection should be done face
to face if you have been with this person an extended time and care about them,
not in text, email, FACEBOOK, fax – that ones for you Ms. J – no technology can
possibly do when rejecting someone and on the flip side it feels particularly shitty
to be on the receiving end of a break up fax, etc.) The wording for this
rejection will be different for everyone because you are saying how you feel
and I have no idea how you feel about the person you are breaking up with. But, an example is “I am sorry but I feel (it
is essential
already being rejected they certainly DO NOT need to be
insulted and put down or humiliated during this time) that I cannot make things
work with you. I care about you a lot
(it is nice to say that you care or something nice) but I am not longer able to
do this with you.” DO NOT say things
like “I will always love you but I am not in love with you” words like this
stick with someone, I heard these words almost a decade ago and I hate that I
just thought of them now. Do not use one
liners like this that someone is going to remember, this is not a romance
movie, this is your break up. DO NOT
blame them for the things that you do not like about them, DO NOT SAY things like “You
are too clingy” or “You make me feel claustrophobic” or “You have gained some
weight” or anything starting in YOU.
That person is just being themselves with you, there is actually nothing
wrong with them, everyone is who they are, so do not blame them for how you feel. Also, do not say things you do not like about
them and then tell them they will probably find someone who likes those
qualities suggesting that they will find someone not as good as you (Mr. X)
that is just really a douchey thing to say it is like saying “You are shitty,
but you will find someone shitty so do not worry” Totally not cool man.
(3)
Scenario 3:
This scenario is a scenario in which every inch of me would
love to bash someone’s face in, but instead I choose the high road. You find them cheating, or you find them
doing something that would make you break up with them like pawning your
grandmother’s earrings or whatever is very offensive to you and if you are me,
which I hope you are not, you see red.
Temper, temper, do not let it get the better of you. There is a moment where your blood boils
because how dare they disrespect you in such an awful way. Here is the thing, you are so much better off
without them. This is next to impossible
but if you can muster up the courage and game face to pull it off it is really
the best way to reject this person.
Laugh. Laugh like you are truly
laughing at something that is so comical and irrelevant. Try not to laugh like a mad woman as it may
just make you look mad as a hatter. Once
you have laughed it off, than say “Man, I am so glad to find this out about you
before spending anymore of my amazing life with you.” Then if you live with that person pack your
bag right then and there. Even if there
is a woman in his bed, turn on the lights and begin to pack your things. Of course if he is actually pawning your
things you should first get your things from the pawn store and perhaps call
the police. But, the thing is do not
give the bastard the satisfaction of knowing that they truly broke you. BUT more importantly do not give your poor
self that dramatic reaction. You must stay strong, and for sure later when they
are out of sight break down as much as you need. After you act very nonchalant it is essential
that you do not speak to them, do not recant your cool composure as they have
wronged you in a way that you deemed unforgivable and you need to stick to
that. Also, if you let a man treat you
like dirt and then take him back, he knows he has a get out of jail free card
with you in the future; he will transgress again because he knows he can. If you take the high road you will feel a
million times better about yourself than if you take the crazy town road and
break someone’s face. Trust me the high
road leaves you with no regret, you may want to defend your honor by somehow getting
cruel, but taking the high road is the most honorable route.
Here are some rude ways to reject someone that you may want
to take note of:
-
Just not speaking to someone, SO IRRITATING,
this is not a form of rejection, this is actually a form of cowardice.
-
Telling them you are moving to a different town,
but then you do not move (this actually happen to a friend of mine, now it is
actually pretty hilarious to think of but at the time it was not)
-
Telling someone you are leaving them for someone
else – ouch.
-
Telling someone all the 101 reasons you are
leaving them in a long letter, then reading the letter out loud to them and
then also giving them the letter so they can “work on their issues” if this is
the case the person giving you the letter clearly has some issues of their own.
-
Being mean to someone in the hopes they break up
with you, what is wrong with you? You
actually feel like being mean is better than rejecting someone kindly? You are
totally whack. (P.S Mr. X adamantly told
me he use to do this to all his exes because he just could not handle breaking
up with someone – RED FLAG)
-
Lie to them and tell them that you are in a
covert operation, a spy, CIA, any non-official government agency and you would tell
them why but then you would have to kill them.
-
Telling them you are not sure if you are still
attracted to them because they have gained some weight (this has actually
happen not once (Mr. AA) but twice (Mr.
X) in my past relationships – rude. Also, anyone who knows me knows I have
never been what society deems over weight in my life AND EVEN if I am that is
not reason to say it)
-
Faking your own death.
-
Basically any lie as when the truth is revealed
it really adds to the pain of the person, because then they are not only
rejected but also feel like they are the type of person you could not be honest
with, then they question how much you lied to them, then they have a million
negative thoughts, so just be kind and let them down taking the blame.
-
Saying I love you like a brother, or I think we
should be friends, or pretty much any demotion from lover. Do not demote someone or try and be friends
with them right away, or any other foolish demoting level that you have thought
up to make the rejection what you think is more amicable.
-
Right after sex do not reject someone (this also
happen to a good friend of mine and it is very hurtful to her still to this
day) ALSO do not reject someone and then suggest having sex – if I have to
explain why this is inappropriate than you should probably pick yourself up
some morals.
IMPORTANT NOTE: I am not saying to lie to cover up any truth
in your break up, but if you are leaving your partner for someone new, or any
other reason that is hurtful, there are probably a lot of other reasons that
drove you to where you are before you go making them hurt even worse.
(5)
So I could no longer endure the world of online dating. I was attempting ten online dates but could
only make it through six. Here is the
reason why. I realized there is a moment
when you meet someone in person that can never exist online. There is that flicker of the flame of passion
that ignites when you meet eyes for the first time. It can be as little as not being able to take
your eyes off of him when he smiles (Mr. Elevator). I had an idea that online dating would offer
this still, that I would be attracted to the men I have been chatting with, but
this did not happen, in fact I was attracted to their personalities and then
when I met them or saw more photographs of them I felt the complete
opposite. It is interesting that in the
book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell he discusses this concept at length. He puts forward that women in a speed dating
scenario were asked what they wanted in a man; most of them said they are
looking for intellect, sense of humor, stability, etc. but when they actually were speed dating the
men they picked were the opposite of what they said they wanted. What is interesting is that right after the
speed dating experience the women would be asked again what they wanted in a
man and their answers would have changed to the type of men they were attracted
to during speed dating. But, these same
women when asked a month or two after speed dating would be back to their
original answers of intellect, sense of humor, stability, etc. It is the same thing with online dating, I
guess attraction must come first for me, chemistry must exist. What made me realize this was the attraction I
felt recently towards men in person, there was a flirtation as I was walking
home the other night, three men were walking by and one slowed down to be
slightly behind his friends so he could make eye contact and smile. I smiled back and he turned his head as we
walked past each other, I laughed and walked passed, turning my head to see him
turn back and give a wide smiled. It is
these little flirts, little cute moments shared between the opposite sex that
can never be found on the keys of the keyboard.
They can never be re-anacted pondering what to write in the little white
box of the message screen. These things
are impossible to create outside of person to person interaction. (This is next week’s blog topic)
Furthermore the sexual advances were just ludicrous. I had yet another man say “Mmmm, I wanna bang
you tonight.” Many of you may be reading this and thinking “Oh, you just have
to change your online settings and this will not happen” Well guess what? I do
have my settings on DO NOT contact this person for intimate encounters, on top
of that I have that I am looking for a relationship, on top of that in my write
up I specifically have said that I am NOT looking for that so I do not know how
many more ways I could possibly say not to message me for sex, and yet still
get revolting messages about violating me in their fantasies. A woman can only handle so much of that kind
of attention before she wakes up one morning and deletes all accounts and feels
damn happy about it too. Then I also
heard from the man who told me he did not have time for new friends (mentioned
in previous blog), he wanted to talk, but once you have rejected me your done. This is not baseball. There are no three strikes and you are
out. There is one strike. If I express and interest in you and at first
you lead me to believe you are also interested, then completely 180 and tell me
we are not hanging out and that you do not have time to even be friends, then
not talk to me then try to talk to me, my head is spinning just trying to
follow this head game. No thanks.
Last time I tried my hiatus from men was because I needed to
sort my head out. This time I am going
on my hiatus for an indefinite time frame because I am highly irritated at
men. I will for sure date in the future
and I am game for the speed dating event that will pan out whenever, there are
a lot of dating services and interesting things to try. But, not right now. Right now I am back to rage running
(discussed in a previous blog) and really just trying not to be more irritated
by men. Wish me luck this time round!
XOXO
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u r one crazy delusional woman, feel sorry for any guys who even chatted with you and more for those poor guys who went on dates with u, u think ur so special, ur just used up old crazy hag, ur lucky guys even considered u ok, guys have feelings u dum bitch
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