Nice Guys Finish Last

"Stupidity combined with arrogance and a huge ego will get you a long way."
-Chris Lowe 

(1) 

Lately I have come to a terrible realisation that I am very attracted to men that the majority of society would deem as complete assholes.  We all have a friend who fits the criteria of what society deems as a total jerk.  He speaks his mind when most people know they should not, he is arrogant and typically self-serving and he can usually be found treating those around him poorly.  “The digging of jerks isn’t a gender problem; it’s a people problem.”(2)  It was not until Ms. M and Ms. J straight up told me that basically in a room filled with men I will always pick the worst jerk and that I for some reason date men that treat me poorly that I realised that I do indeed have a fascination with men that are not nice.  I guess in my case nice guys do finish last.  I wrote about kinds of jerks in a previous blog, this blog is about the worst kind of jerk, the self-proclaimed, un-denying, complete douchbag.  Which of course got me to thinking what is it about cruel intentioned men that I find so intriguing and boiled it down to these three reasons:

1)      Arrogance.  I love arrogance.  Yes, confidence is nice and sexy, but arrogance is a very specific soft spot with me.  Perhaps it is my inner lunachick that drives me to this trait but I am not alone in this desire. “ An arrogant guy doesn't care what other people, particularly other women, think of him. He's confident in his own beliefs and isn't swayed by what a woman says. A lot of times, he can be a real jerk and full of himself. Like I said in the beginning, women claim that they dislike such a guy. However, many women find themselves attracted to said guy without any reasonable explanation. Such a guy is difficult, hard to control, hard to break, unpredictable, and even somewhat mysterious. As Mr. Marley said “If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”   I also believe this applies to the opposite sex as well.  And who is more difficult than the arrogant man? No one.  He is the least easy of all men to attain and be with, every day is a struggle with this type of man.  The challenge to me is very exciting.  But, further more here is what truly drives me to arrogant men; there is some entitlement about arrogance that makes me think “This guy must have something to be so confident about that other men do not have.”  I am not sure if this is a totally lunachick theory but I do know it is what I think.  When a man has no fear and no filter it is startling and intriguing.  It makes me think that this man has something about him that should be heard.  To capture this type of man’s interest and have the fortune of hearing their ideas is something special right? Unfortunately this is not the case.  Arrogance is all they have and their intellect and words are more often than not just self-opinionated theories.

"Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

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2)      This second factor is very heavily reliant on arrogance.  There is something about the asshole that speaks to a part of you that no one else can reach.  The jerk has the ability to say your dirty thoughts in a very arousing way that NO nice guy will ever come close to.  The jerk is not afraid to play around with dirty talk; they strike that nerve with in all of us that makes us blush.  Arrogance has to be in place for this quality as it is overt self confidence that leads to the words that no one with a filter can say.  This trait only exists in the jerk; I am not saying that you can have a healthy happy sex life with a nice, sweet guy.  By all means we all can have that.  But, this is what makes me lust for the jerk.  Most men are nice, in particular when wooing women.  The majority of them say nice things and try their best to get into their panties.  But, the jerk does not waste his time wooing, which is startling.  The most surprising thing about this type of man’s actions is that they are totally not expected but they also are exciting.  I have a crude example I can use here.  I went out for breakfast with a man that I one hundred percent know as a jerk.  I ask him “What do you want to eat”

He answered “Why don’t you sit on the table in front of me….”  You get the point…and he finished his suggestion with a wink and a “You’d love it”   This totally shocked me, at one moment I am reading the menu thinking of what to snack on and the next I have a mental image of him doing what he is suggesting and my skin percolates with sexual tension.  The respectable woman in me is offended and scoffs at him, but the less respectable woman in me cannot stop my cheeks from blushing.  Of course as soon as the waitress comes over he smiles and tells her he knows exactly what he wants to eat but I need a few minutes to decide with a big smile.  Several thoughts race through my mind at her approach, does she know that I am blushing from being turned on by the thought of his suggestion, and is he going to repeat what he just said to me? These moments do not happen with nice men because they are nice, they care about social filters and respect. 

"I''ve got an average house with a nic hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my carMy feet on my table and a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enoughTo keep a man like me interested(Oh no)No way(Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have funAt someone else's expense(Oh yeah)" - DENNIS LEARY - I'M AN ASSHOLE LYRICS 

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3)      I am an asshole. “I think this is behind that whole Hot Chicks with Douchebags thing. It is actually, in fact, Douchebags with Douchebags. The douchebags are mating with their own kind! It should not be inherently… surprising that an asshole dates an asshole” (5) I am often an asshole.  I do not know how much explanation I can go into here.  I am overtly honest, I have a high level of confidence, I love to make fun of things and make people laugh.  This is a main reason in itself.  I love a man who can make me laugh, and usually men who are funny are men who do make fun and have enough confidence to be the centre of attention.  When I come across men like this, I think “Perfect! A man who can keep up.”  Being a socialite with a mean streak of honesty and an insatiable appetite for comedy I believe more often than not makes me come across as an asshole.  Therefore, being with a nice guy always makes me aware of my assholery.  Constantly feeling like you are not the “nice one” in your relationship is a real shit feeling.  Here is an example from my Mr. X days, he made plans to go to a mutual friends place, I for some reason said I was not going to which he pressed me to come with him because he did not want to stay out late and needed me to come with him because I was always the reason for leaving early.  That is when I realised I am not the nice one in this partnership.  This was further implied when he told me that I should keep my opinions to myself because my honesty was not wanted in pretty much any social situation.  These kinds of criticism made me feel faulted and like the lesser person.  I felt like Mr. X was a lot better quality of person than me because he was by comparison the “nice one.”  That is when I realised that dating assholes would not make me feel this way, flawed, but rather I could be the nice person – what a thought. Or if nothing else an equal.

“Maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down, and sometimes, like now, they get you so high.” 
~Carrie Sex and the City

 (6) 

4)      Kindness feels so good when it is rare. “In fact, some people actually feel special when someone who’s normally a dick is nice to them: it feels like you’ve earned something.”(7)   This is a sad truth of dating an asshole.  More often than note they do not complement you, or are very nice at all.  But, when they are nice MAN! Does it ever feel good.  It is like having a hot shower after walking for an hour in the rain.  It feels so good because you were really just feeling awful.  Dating an asshole takes an enormous self-confidence or lack of it.  In my case, I have healthy self-esteem so it is not my lack of it that keeps me intrigued by this kind of man.  But, there is something about the jerk’s compliment that keeps your heart a flutter.  When I was with Mr. AA he would constantly point out my areas of improvement such as where I would be gaining weight, how to cook food to his preference, it does not matter what I did he always was telling me how he thought I could be better.  To a perfectionist this is incredibly irritating, yet it gives you a challenge constantly to try and have everything perfect.  It also makes the time when he gives you a compliment an amazing feeling! Success! Finally.  To be honest, nice guys are boring. “Nice guys are often seen as a pushover who can't say no to anyone and allows himself get walked on. Because the nice guy doesn't practice being a challenge and says yes all the time, women don't trust or respect them, become bored and eventually turn to the dominant, untameable jerk who can make them feel excited -- not bored.”  (8) Jerks are a constant challenge; nice guys appreciate your actions and compliment you frequently.  Which most people want, however, there is no challenge with this type of relationship.  I find my mind starts to race when I am with a nice guy.  I intentionally push them to their limits just to see their reactions out of boredom.  I get antsy with nice guys and that is the truth.

Dating a jerk is an emotional roller coaster.  But, it is never boring.  It is always exciting but can also be toxic.  Sliding into an abusive relationship can start off as a little trip down the jerk slip and slide.  It is very dangerous.  It would be amazing for me to say that in writing this I am now only attracted to nice guys at the revelation of the danger and the uselessness of dating assholes.  Assholes do not change, in particular if you let them treat you poorly and stay with them.  But, to this day there is a certain allure to this type of men for me.  These are the reasons for my lust for jerks not my justification or avocation to date jerks.  Some women just love jerks, I guess I am one of them. 

References:
1) http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://cdn.eguiders.com/uploads/Narcissism.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.eguiders.com/exclusive/stephen-colbert-de-motivational-posters&h=480&w=600&sz=40&tbnid=nBiymtZ-8SgI1M:&tbnh=88&tbnw=110&zoom=1&usg=__Og6ZpCtBkD03mVlbAkWC9J3IYPE=&docid=Ob6w9tJ0y-uR1M&sa=X&ei=L-icUefmKeOBiwLn94CoBA&ved=0CDMQ9QEwAg&dur=572
2) Frantz, Ozy.  "Nice Guys Part Three: Why People Like Jerks" December 21, 2011 (http://goodmenproject.com/noseriouslywhatabouttehmenz/nice-guys-part-three-why-people-like-jerks/)
3) https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+arrogance&rlz=1C1SFXN_enCA522CA526&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=0OicUar8KcerjAKhjIGAAw&ved=0CC4QsAQ&biw=817&bih=489#imgrc=uhwV0nTfOj3gLM%3A%3B_ofIO0umt2_LdM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fleaderscripts.files.wordpress.com%252F2011%252F01%252Farrogant.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fleaderscripts.wordpress.com%252F2011%252F01%252F25%252Farrogance%252F%3B240%3B240
4) https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=IemcUfn8LKLtiwKw64HYBg&ved=0CCsQsAQ&biw=817&bih=489#tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+assholes&oq=pictures+of+assholes&gs_l=img.3...1269.3863.0.3988.11.11.0.0.0.0.182.854.8j3.11.0...0.0...1c.1.14.img.9kofIilMYKc&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.46751780,d.cGE&fp=3bea1578d7ed5739&biw=817&bih=489
5) "Why Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys" (http://thepolyman.com/2012/01/why-women-date-jerks-assholes-instead-of-nice-guys/)
6) https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men&rlz=1C1SFXN_enCA522CA526&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=yemcUbuNEomiiQLLvIDYCQ&ved=0CC4QsAQ&biw=817&bih=489#rlz=1C1SFXN_enCA522CA526&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+men+without+shirts&oq=pictures+of+men+without+shirts&gs_l=img.3...1196.3822.0.4004.15.13.0.2.2.0.282.1419.10j0j3.13.0...0.0...1c.1.14.img.zTX1Oem2As0&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.46751780,d.cGE&fp=3bea1578d7ed5739&biw=817&bih=489
7)http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/Why-Do-Woman-Go-For-Bad-Boys-That-Will-Treat-Them-Bad--Yet-There-Is-Good-Boys-Out-There/131374
8) Ibid.