Diary Of A City Girl : Sorry = 5 Little Letters With Too Much Meaning

Sorry
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like sorry like sorry

- Tracey Chapman

I have recently realized I have an issue with three little words “I am sorry.” It is not that I do not think that they do not have their time and place it is just that they connoted a certain level of regret that is not always intended. The truth is when I use the word sorry it does not always have meaning. I say sorry when someone walks into me on the train, but what I really mean is “Excuse you.” I say sorry when I bump hands with a stranger over a snack table, but what I really mean is “You go first.” There are a million instances that we use sorry every day in so many different ways it is hard to tell the true meaning of the word. However, the origin of the word sorry is from: “Old English sarig ‘distressed, full of sorrow,’ from West Germanic *sairig-, from *sairaz ‘pain’ (physical and mental); related to sar (see sore). Meaning "wretched, worthless, poor" first recorded mid-13c. Spelling shift from -a- to -o- by influence of sorrow. Apologetic sense (short for I'm sorry) is attested from 1834; phrase sorry about that popularized 1960s by U.S. TV show "Get Smart."[1] In regards to this background using sorry for sorrow I completely understand. We say it to comfort someone that our heart aches for during times of loss. This use of the word I completely understand. But what I do not know is why these three little words are thrown around so lightly one moment and so heavily the next. I have began to feel like I am saying sorry so much that it has lost its value and meaning. It certainly does not apply to all the situations I use it on, on a daily basis so I got to wondering if anyone else there was feeling the same way.

I found that research indicates:

“People with low self-esteem, for example, were less inclined to apologize, even though they probably feel bad after a conflict. Unlike people who experience guilt about a specific action and feel sorry for the person they have wronged, individuals who experience generalized shame may actually be feeling sorry for themselves.
In contrast, ‘people who are sure of themselves have the capacity to confess to wrongdoing and address it,’ ... But just the right amount of self-esteem is key...also... narcissists—people who..., ‘are very egocentric, with an overly grand view of themselves’—were reluctant to offer an apology.. a strong sense of justice was negatively correlated with a willingness to apologize, perhaps suggesting that contrition and an ‘eye for an eye’ philosophy are incompatible. Reconciliation may end a conflict, but it cannot always settle a score.” [2] Of course reading this information made me question where I would fit in this spectrum from narcisst to empath. It is not that I do not want to admit my wrong doing or my sympathy to others, but it is more so that I feel like sorry is the wrong word. Or more so that sorry is not an in depth enough explanation. When someone loses a loved one I feel the word sorry is so popular that its usage may come off as insincere, or even that those in pain are exhausted from hearing it. At the end of relationships when people say sorry I feel that they should not be sorry. At least they tried and that is all one can do in those situations. I strongly feel it is not their fault if they are not interested in me or whoever they are dating. Everyone has different dating preferences and it is actually a blessing if someone you are not compatible lets you go as you can move on to someone more suited for you or spend some much needed time alone. But I suppose if someone broke up you and said “You’re Welcome” this would go over horribly.

“It takes a strong person to say sorry, and an ever stronger person to forgive.” - Unknown

What is interesting is that “Almost everybody has a hard time apologizing if they feel ‘over accused’, that is, pushed to assume more than their fair share of the blame. As one man put it, ‘When my wife criticizes me, I don’t want to apologize because I feel like I’m putting my neck on the chopping block. If I apologize, I’m agreeing with her that I’m the whole problem. And that’s not true.’ If your partner experiences offering an apology as a blanket statement of his culpability or inadequacy he won’t be able to do it.”[3] I have definitely felt this way and will admit in the past I have treated people this way, but not in a long time. I will tell you when I use to expect apologies it was not because I felt they were warranted, it was merely because I wanted control, and I wanted others to give in. But, now I know it is a struggle when you are the only person who is always apologizing to a friend (or lover) who thinks that you have done them wrong. In this scenario it becomes difficult to understand if the receiver of these endless apologies is actually offended or just wants to control you. It feels like you are letting them take away any control you have over your own emotions and feelings if you are constantly the only one apologizing for everything. I think of this as an issue similar to a non-apology: “You also should not give a non-apology, or an apology that is void of responsibility. If you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" it doesn't address the underlying issue or make your friend feel better. In this example, avoid starting off with an apology but probe to find out what the issue really is and talk it through. When you discover the real problem, you should acknowledge your friend's hurt.”[4] An apology to me is accepting my part of the situation. In saying sorry I am acknowledging my own blame and moving forward. But, I also believe that apologies over how you feel about something are not appropriate. For example if someone feels a certain way, they just do, there are no reasons anyone should be sorry for emotions. Unless their emotions lead them to act like a mad woman, then of course, they should be sorry for their lunachick actions. But, I do not believe emotions should be something we apologize for.

“A real man has no tougher judge than himself” - James Grippando

As usual I had to wonder if men or women were more prone to accepting blame and apologizing (although I am pretty sure we all know it would be women). So, “If you think you hear women saying ‘I'm sorry’ more than men, you're right. Women apologize more often than men do, according to a new study.’ Men aren't actively resisting apologizing because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions,’ said study researcher Karina Schumann, a doctoral student in social psychology at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada. ‘It seems to be that when they think they've done something wrong they do apologize just as frequently as when women think they've done something wrong. It's just that they think they've done fewer things wrong... Men were also less likely to report being victims of wrongdoing. This led the researchers to investigate whether men are just not offended as easily, and less likely to think they've done something objectionable.”[5] Fascinating and informative information about the opposite sex in regards to apologies. This same study also found: “Recognizing that men and women may perceive situations differently may help the genders to get along. ‘Neither men nor women are wrong when they disagree about whether or not an offense has occurred or whether or not an apology is desired,’ Schumann said. ‘It's just that they have different perceptions of an event that has occurred between them."[6] All the times that I have been seriously pondering if men do not get that they should say sorry are explained. While I assume the longer you know someone that you would know their expectations of what warrants an apology and what does not. The more I research the unknown about men to me the more I understand them and feel less resentment over things in the past that would have bothered me. Knowledge is peace of mind.

“Sorry I accidentally cc:ed you on an email insulting you.” – Unknown

Lastly, I also apologize at work which a whole different arena of the words “I am sorry.” I typically say “Oh, sorry about that, I will fix this right away” in regards to project errors. This type of sorry is my own acknowledgment of a mistake made in a professional manner. I never argue with my coworkers or boss, even if the mistake is someone else’s, I take the project on and fix it. There has been no time in my career when an argument about mistakes has been justified. Honestly I cannot think of anytime professionally that this is not the proper response unless the mistake is about to get you canned. Honesty is always the best policy. “Be honest. If your goof was simple inattention, mind fog or carelessness, admit it. If your mistake was more serious -- such as failing to follow instructions -- prepare to explain why. Calm down, don’t be overly emotional and don’t beat yourself up, but acknowledge what you did wrong and address the fallout from your mistake. Figure out if there is a way that you can fix the mistake or make restitution. Offer to work overtime, for instance, to complete an unfinished project... Promise to improve. While you can’t actually promise that you will never make mistakes again, you can at least promise that you will work on fixing the carelessness or other fault that resulted in this mistake. Then do it. Begin immediately to demonstrate your efforts to change and improve. Once you have apologized, move on and don’t dwell on your mistake. If you aren’t fired because of your error, thank your boss for her faith in you.” [7] This is great professional advice to live by.

Really, I do not know when apologies are warranted or not, I over apologize and want a more sincere way of apologizing when I mean it. I guess I am feeling confused about the lack of expressive vocabulary.

I am taking another week to skip on blogging about my specifics due to the death of a dear friend. He was a great friend and a soul mate to a wonderful woman. The death of a loved one shakes us to the core. It makes you realize all the trivial fleeting moments and nonsense of your own life. This week I told all my loved ones how much they truly meant to me and made sure that I had tried to mend all my burned bridges. Life is too short to hold grudges and foster negative emotions. I looked back on my life and realized that while others may not forgive and forget, I had tried my best with the people in my life and let go of the past. There is nothing in the past worth harbouring that is not positive. I also started to train for a half marathon (21 km) that I am hoping to run in June. Accomplishing life goals like this and excelling at my job are top priorities. Losing someone you care about has different impacts on different people. This loss made me realize that making my life a life that I enjoy to the fullest is what is really important. This has taught me that acceptance and going with the flow of life is inevitable. Sending love and support to all those who were touched by his life, and my everlasting friendship to his soul mate. “Love like you will never get hurt” as you never know what tomorrow has in store.

“In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. Behold! we are not bound for ever to the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien