Trash Talk: The Way of the Exes

Trash Talk: The Way of the Exes

Claire: “It is hard to imagine those two ever loved one another”

Jack: “Passionately I imagine, where do you think all the hate comes from.”

“I am not saying it’s you, no wait a minute, what am I saying?  It is totally you”

-Ms. M (on the topic of breakups)

I was recently out for coffee with my friend Ms.WestSideStory and I got to talking about an old flame of mine.  Well, okay, I was actually expressing my disbelief that this particular Ex was continuously dating gorgeous, super model like women.

  Ms. WestSideStory laughed and said

“Of course you feel that way! Everyone feels that way about their Ex.  Guys too, your Exes do not want to see you flaunting around with some hot young man either.” 

This thought had never occurred to me.  I had never for a moment thought of my exes caring about anything I had done post break up...but then again I always assume men do not think the same way as women.  Of course, this got me to thinking about all the men and women I had seen post break up and what they had said or done.  Then it came to me! The one constant between the sexes: trash talk.  On the male side it was always she is: “crazy”,” a bitch”,” a slut”, etc. you get the drift.  Always some terrible name to describe some lady they had once described as their perfect match.  (I am not saying all breakups end with these words, but in my experience the majority of them do.)  On the female side of this subtracted equation I always hear he is an “idiot”,” an asshole”,” a jerk”, but personal favorite term would have be “douche.”  All negative words demeaning a man they once respected and admired.  What happens to us during the end of a passionate affair, which more often than not, leads us to wanting to claw each other’s eyes out?  Is it rejection? Jealousy? Or is it just the pain of losing?  There is no denying that break up culture is everywhere, in our social networks, literature, mass media, movies and endless songs. 

“And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it.”

-Alanis Morresette

 “Oh no he was perfect.  He was always nice and amazing, but I just did not want to be with him” or “No she was super hot and awesome but I was not into her anymore” said no one about their Ex ever.  (Unless they are still in love with their Ex than favorable terms may be thrown in their direction.  However, more than likely the trash talk ensues.)  Trash talk that typically involves you absolving yourself from any wrong doing and painting a portrait of your ex as completely mad and tragic.  Let’s reflect on popular culture in order to fully understand what I mean by this inevitable trash talk phenomena.  The following are some song lyrics for reference:

1)     “Mad woman, bad woman, that’s just what you are, ya, you smile in my face and rip my breaks out my car.” –Bruno Mars Grenade

2)     “She fucking hates me” Puddle of Mudd She Hates Me

3)     “Well if I were richer, I’d still be with her.  Ain’t that some shit”  Celo Fuck You

4)     “You PMS like a girl I should know” Katy Perry Hot and Cold

5)     “So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you?
Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear)
I won't lose a wink of sleep (A wink of sleep)
'Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy, hey...”-Beyonce Irreplaceable

6)     “Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp,
and she's probably getting frisky...right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink
'cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool stick,
showing her how to shoot a combo...

And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side
of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.” – Carrie Underwood Before He Cheats

7)     “You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you” –Carly Simon You’re so Vain

8)     “Now all I want is my Patsy Cline C.D

How I’ve waited for today

When I could finally say

You Jerk

How come jerks don’t know their jerks” –Kim Stockwell Jerk

9)     “I just want to kick you until you cry how much you really love me” –Wild Strawberries I don’t want to think about it

10) “Your just like a pill instead of making me better, you keep making me ill” Pink-Just Like A Pill

These are ten songs out of the millions songs that exist out there that attempt to capture the antagonist of the break up story, the Ex.  And what is it about heart ache that makes most human beings lash out. Perhaps it is because step three of the healing process of heartache is “Anger and Bargaining- lashing out is a common form of attempting to release all unspoken emotions. This is the stage where the “why why why?!” questioning comes in. The pleas for returned love run rapid, trying to bargain with fate or with the person who was just lost.  [1]  Maybe it is because this lashing out feels so great when it is following steps one and two (1) Denial and 2) Pain.)  But, it is step three, RAGE that can be the most addictive.  Anger following pain feels so much more empowering doesn’t it?  It makes you feel like King Kong of your emotions after crying your eyes out.  You are now in control.  You own this, and you are going to make damn sure no one takes that away from you.  But if you are fortunate just as pain gradually fades, so does anger.  However, anger has the power to stay longer and linger in your memories much more vividly than pain.  Of course, letting go of that anger is the best for everyone involved unless you want to become :” A "rageaholic", or "anger addict", is a person who gets excited by expressing rage, or a person prone to extreme anger with little or no provocation.^[1] While "rageaholic" is not a formal medical diagnosis, it has been developed as a lay psychology term by counselors and anger-management groups seeking to help people who are chronically angry and who compulsively express fits of rage. There are also 12-step programs for dealing with rageaholics, such as Rageaholics Anonymous in Los Angeles, California, United States (US).[2]   Let’s face it; no one in their right mind wants to be an anger addict.

Or perhaps the vicious tongue spawned from break ups is it born out of the fact that hate and love are so closely linked: “Love and hate are intimately linked within the human brain, according to a study that has discovered the biological basis for the two most intense emotions.

Scientists studying the physical nature of hate have found that some of the nervous circuits in the brain responsible for it are the same as those that are used during the feeling of romantic love – although love and hate appear to be polar opposites.

A study using a brain scanner to investigate the neural circuits that become active when people look at a photograph of someone they say they hate has found that the "hate circuit" shares something in common with the love circuit.

The findings could explain why both hate and romantic love can result in similar acts of extreme behaviour – both heroic and evil – said Professor Semir Zeki of University College London” [3]  This makes sense, where once the intense emotion of love was is empty only an emotion as strong as anger could possibly make that void feel whole again.   Of course this anger can only fill this void until your heart has healed, holding onto anger will only fill your heart with it, and then where will new love go?

I have however also found more often than not I hear these words “I made a mistake” or “I should have treated him better” and my personal favorite is “What was I thinking? I lost great guy”  Yes, yes we have all felt this way about someone at some point in time but crying over spilt beer does not make it any less spilt. Unfortunately the vivid emotions paired with break up remorse do not build a time machine and take you back to correct your wrongs.  Instead just take that life lesson and move on, and trust me if you have truly learned from it, the next time an amazing person is in your life you will not make it again. Also, I noticed, I have dated one or two men that have maliciously described their Exes as lunachicks.  This is now a RED FLAG, any person who has only negative comments about their exes will have negative comments about you one day when you are on that side of the fence.  Also, not EVERY ex can be crazy, so if you dating someone who expresses the misfortune of only dating crazy chicks than you are dating someone who is most likely full of shit.  I have been both the ex that made a man feel like not all women are awful and vice versa and have had the same experiences with my exes.  The thing is that everyone is different so you cannot say ALL men or ALL women are any one way, there is always going to be one of them swimming against the current.   So, my point here is that while you are at first listening with eager ears to him bashing his Ex because you want to be better than her, she was just like you at one point in time.  That nice Mexican restaurant you go to on date nights was her idea and they use to do the same thing.  That awesome trip you went on, they did it too.  At night when you think he has never felt the way he does about you for anyone else, well he has. Also, that amazing thing he does in the bedroom...well you get the point.  A woman before you is most likely the reason behind a lot of the actions and things you love about your man and the same goes for men.  So before you are so quick to listen to the harsh words about a woman that you do not even really know you should realize that she has walked a mile in your shoes and endured something that you have not.  Unless she is throwing a curve ball into your dating game, than you should talk about something better.  Like Eleanor Roosevelt said: “Great minds discuss ideas, Average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss other people.”  Also, while you are hanging on his every ugly and spiteful word you may want to remember that one day you will be who he is describing so cold heartedly and decide if you really want to be with someone who could talk so poorly about someone he supposedly use to love.

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

-Adele

A last interesting fact: “As researchers have dug deeper into the roots of rejection, they’ve found surprising evidence that the pain of being excluded is not so different from the pain of physical injury. Rejection also has serious implications for an individual’s psychological state and for society in general.[4] For myself I have to admit my driving force is pain.  I have trash talked the hell out of a few Exes because my heart was broken and apparently oozing very unfortunate words while mending.  But once the pain is gone, so are these words.  I am not saying this is right at all but this is what I have done.  There is something so victorious about cutting your Ex with your sharp little tongue and watching him wince in pain as he is speechless.  “I win!” You think.  But, unfortunately this victory is short lived; because once the pain has healed you realize you acted somewhat atrociously.  How you act once you realize this is entirely up to you, but I have always turned around and apologised myself. You do not trash talk you Ex to make yourself feel better; you do it to make them look and feel bad.  It is negativity coming out in the worst way possible out of a place that most of the time you do not even recognize.  We do these things, not because we want anyone to feel good about our pain, but the opposite, we want the person responsible for that pain to suffer.  We want them to not only be aware of our distress but to also feel it the way we do.  And for what end?  So that you have succeeded in making someone feel as badly as you do?  When thinking about the reasoning these actions themselves seem pretty heinous.  New epiphany: attempting to not speak in spite to exes but instead am going to keep cool and nice.  Also, in this new epiphany something even more satisfying revealed itself.  Not being crazy and emotional effects your ex more than becoming a lunachick.  I win.  Just kidding!! Seriously though,  do what makes you feel best about your actions, because at the end of the day you are the one who has to look yourself in the mirror everyday, not your ex.  Always remember they are your ex for a multitude of reasons and while those reasons have helped you learn a lot about who you are it in no way defines you.  Thanks for reading! XO

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[1] http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak-33900

[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rageaholic

[3] http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/scientists-prove-it-really-is-a-thin-line-between-love-and-hate-976901.html

[4] http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx