The Break Up Plan

"Only the wisest and stupidest men never change"

-Confucius

Before I blog about this week’s topic I would like to take a moment and say THANK YOU for reading, if you have been reading since the beginning, or this is your first time, I really appreciate it!  There have been mixed reviews about my blog, the majority of them have been amazingly supportive, some readers have shared stories with me, comments, and it has all been just awesome.  But, of course there is always a balance that comes with the good so there has been some negative criticism as well.  My sister and I were discussing this and then she said this “Well your blog is only ten percent of your personality” Then it donned on me, my blog has never really built up the characters that are the main players so I would like to take a few paragraphs here to describe the lovely pseudonym ladies so that you readers can perhaps relate better or worse, of course I hope the former, to these writings.

Ms. M: I would like to use a little Sex and the City analogy because these characters are so widely known.  Ms. M most closely embodies the character of Samantha.  As Samantha says “Women are for friendship.  Men are for sex”(1)  This fits Ms. M to a T.  But, also like Samantha her wit, honesty and sexual prowess make her a difficult woman for other woman to warm up to.  Ms. M is while at the first glance opinionated, loud, and sexually liberated under her tough but gorgeous exterior she is the best friend you could ever have.  Her generosity and loyalty can not be understated, but you must be a certain kind of person to take in her honest comments and degrading gabs at men.

Ms. A: While at first glance I thought Charlotte would be a best comparison but then I realized Ms. A is not as sweet as sugar and spice as she first appears to be.  She has a very soft and kind demeanor to her that people often misjudge, but under it she is incredibly driven, and honest so she most embodies the Miranda character.  Ms. A works in an incredibly male dominated field, she worked her ass off to get there.  She is not afraid to speak her mind most of the time, she is of course polite.  But the main reason why gets the Miranda title is because she has that same startled, half laughing expression Miranda would get on the show when she is in disbelief of other people’s actions.  Ms. A is always laughing, always slightly shocked by other people’s actions but never faltering from the beat of her own drum.  She is a unique and dedicated friend that I am also lucky to have.

Ms. K: Charlotte through and through.  Ms. K is sweet and naive.  She is always smiling and staying positive and she has a taste for finer things in life.  She is baffled by cruelty, but the main reason why I pick Charlotte for Ms. K is her wide eyed search for love.  She is always convinced that love will conquer all.  She is a purest of emotions which I respect, while I do not agree with it is always refreshing to see her optimism pouring out all over anyone near her.  This must take a lot of strength and that for that she gets my admiration.  However, given this idealist zest Ms. K also falls in love with men that are total wankers, unfortunately.  So I have to add here she also reminds me of the quirky friend Jaz off of Bridget Jones movie that calls Bridget from the bathroom stall at work crying about her boyfriend all the time.  Given her eternal optimism in her mates she is constantly disappointed when they show their true colors.  She is one of my longest friendships and she is perfect just the way she is! 

I guess this leaves me, it is strange to describe yourself to others, do you paint an image of beauty and grace? Or do you actually fall victim to honesty?  Because I am the writer I would obviously parallel the character of Carrie Bradshaw.  I would say this is a somewhat accurate comparison in the fact that she has great friends, writes, has strong character, and also is not afraid to express her emotions about relationships.  But I would have to add a splash of Bridget Jones herself in my mix in the fact that I am awkward  strange things happen to me all the time, I swear to much and have eccentric parents.  There you have it.  Basically what you should know about reading my opinions is that they are exactly that, just thoughts on a page.  They are most likely written with a sarcastic tone and never written in an "end all be all" nature. 

In summary this conversation I think conveys the character of the ladies described above:

Charlotte York: Jack wants us to do a threesome. 

Miranda: Of course he does. Every guy does.
Samantha Jones: Threesomes are huge right now. They're the blow job of the nineties.
Charlotte York: What was the blow job of the eighties?
Samantha Jones: Anal sex.
Carrie: Any sex, period.
Miranda: Don't let him pressure you into it. It's just this guy's cheap ploy to watch you be a lesbian for a night.
Samantha Jones: Don't knock it till you tried it. (2) 

"Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can come together"

-Marilyn Monroe

Now down to the topic at hand.  I was chatting with Ms. K and a revelation came up in our conversation that made me realize that often in the most frustrating moments of our romantic relationships we think that breaking up is going to be a lesson taught.  I would like to say I have felt this way before.  But then I realized that I had heard a lot of women say (and even some men)  “I should just break up with him, then he would get it”  It is fascinating that we somehow merit our affection and time with someone as so incredible that losing it would just snap someone right out of their bullshit and onto your course of action.  Of course love keeps the wrong people together all the time but love should not be the only reason you are together.  Romeo and Juliet thought they were in love too and look how that ended. 

What is interesting is that there are so many articles about why people break up.  Her are the three main reasons that literature suggests women leave their men:

1)      " It will show him that you are a woman of high value. It will demonstrate that you are a woman who isn't desperate or needy - a woman who can live without him (because you can). Men find this attractive in a woman.  Riiiiiiight.  Let me tell you if your partner does not see you as a woman of high value and views you in this negative light than you have a serious problem pre break up anyways." (3)   This is so true! In particular the part about valuing you pre break up.  Breakups do not change the way people treat you I am afraid to say.   Patterns, we all have them.  'You can not change a tiger's stripes' while I am sure in the right lighting that tiger can come across as having many varieties of stripes people are like this too.  They may change a little, or for a short time but in the end you will see that was just trick lighting and their stripes are exactly the ones you were tired of counting in the first place.  

"Change is a process, not an event"

-Unknown

2)      " It will show him what he is missing by way of contrast. By forcing him to experience life with you, and then suddenly without you (in other words, before and after the break up), you will emphasize whatever feelings he has as a result of his decision. First he has you, then he doesn't. The starker that contrast is, the more he will feel your absence, and the more likely it is that he will miss you and want you back.” (4)   Men do not pine over women who break their hearts like movies teach us.  No, I would say one or two in ALL the men I have ever know do wallow in self pity and heart ache.  MOST MEN and by most I mean pretty much all men get drunk (I am being totally serious) and make poor life decisions (ex: they sleep with anything that walks, they go on tropical trips and sleep with anything that walks, they try and online dating and sleep with anything that walks...I think you get the point).  For the millionth time, MEN ARE NOT LIKE WOMEN.  They do not call up their best guy bud and cry about how much it hurts and that they are so heart broken, blah, blah, blah...NO! They probably go to their friends place (most men also hate talking on the phone FYI)  Their conversation is probably about a 2 minute bash session of their heartless shebeast who dumped him, followed by a lot of booze (if he does not drink it is followed by some other male hobby and a lot of it like sports, or strippers, or what not)  and NOT a lot of talking or back tracking.  While women long for their man to beg them for them back with ridiculous romantic gestures laced with long drawn out emotional speeches, men long to forget they had feelings.  "Women run from men because men choose to cry after them, rather then run after them, to hold close the feeling of uncertainty, and not that of win."(5) This is why there are so many 'the one that got away' out there, they did not really 'get away' did they?  No, men most likely left the gate open and watched them walk out the gate and instead of calling out for them to stay watched them go wishing they would not.  Once you break a man's heart he is not going to change and chase after you, that is reality. 

"Endless conversation about change is the barrier.  Actually committing to doing something and then acting is required."

David Jakes

3)       "It will force him to think about his options seriously. As long you stay in touch with him, he will know that he can have you back at any moment, and he will feel no urgency to reverse his decision. By staying in touch with him, you effectively give him a "safety net." (6) MAN! I cannot stress this enough, we have already gone over this in a previous blog, the “threat break up” it is dangerous.  Men will not take you seriously ever if you break up, make up, or whatever it is futile.  How is anyone suppose to take you seriously when you spend your time crying wolf?

 

What I am saying is this, your flawed partner that you think does not respect and treat you right may be perfect for someone else. While I highly doubt it if he is insensitive prick, it is still possible.  So, instead of thinking of how breaking up with someone is the ideal way of shocking them into being your soul mate, give your head a shake, realize that love comes at all different times for all different people if you are unhappy and being treated poorly break up and DO NOT get back together.  Do it because it is the right thing to do not because in your mind it will change the one your are no longer with.  Who are you to change them?  Seriously, while of course we are all amazing catches for anyone let’s be real with 7 billion people on this earth if you want to break up with someone because you think they really need to change for you the truth is the person that does not need to change for you is probably out there still.   In fact they could be a lot closer than you think but not if you are plotting ways to change the one you are with instead of coming to this realization.  Have a look at all the couples when you are out sometime, just look at all the variety! There is a lifestyle, a fetish, a fashion, a something, and a everything to each couple you see that make them insync.  So to everyone who thinks a break up is an effective way to really “get through” to someone I want to tell you they “get it” but they are the way they are so you either need to get happy with what that means or move on. This mentality by the way is the main motivation between the ever annoying make up break up cycle I ranted about in a previous blog so let’s just stop it before it begins.  Thanks for reading. XO 

 

1) Sex and the City quotes from: https://www.google.ca/url?sa=f&rct=j&url=http://fabuloussatc.tumblr.com/&q=&esrc=s&ei=0x2mUZHpD-HCigKl4IHgDA&usg=AFQjCNHEcwPq6KN5ytHrMmnq4FJRJ2PIhg

2) Ibid.

 3)http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/02/the-importance-of-silence-after-break-up.html

4)Ibid.

5) Ibid.

6)http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/02/the-importance-of-silence-after-break-up.html