Dirty Talk: Do it Right,

"Gonna get rowdy, gonna get a little unruly
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party"
Christina Aguilera - Dirrty Lyrics 

It is crucial when approaching this topic to remember that many women are highly talented in the realm of faking it.  Thus if you are thinking you do not need to read the following words because you are so great at dirty talk, think again.  I was having a conversation with Ms. K and Ms. M lately that really got me to thinking about dirty talk and how it can be both an exciting turn on and yet a huge turn off...BUT! There does seem to be some common denominators between all the women I spoke about this topic with that I think need to be discussed so that there are less moments of hilarity among women recapping dirty talk moments with one another.  Mastering the realm of dirty talk is not as hard as it may seem as long as you remember that ALL women are different, AND to follow their lead on the tone and depth they are comfortable with.  Here are three tips to dirty talk to your lover and remember to find each other's limits take baby steps or the whole process could be blown out of context and out of your love life for good.

“Do you trust me Ana?"
Ana! "Yes,I do."I respond spontaneously, not thinking...because it's true-I do trust him.
"Well,then"he looks relieved. "The rest of this stuff is just details"
"important details” 
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

1) Don't degrade.  Okay, there are some kinky sides to people out there that enjoy degradation, this is true and that is their sexual right.  However, the majority of women do not enjoy being degraded by dirty talk.  Let me use an example here to clarify what I mean, say you are just starting to date someone and you are sexting a little, getting a little frisky.  Passionate messages are sent to and fro and then he says "I want to f*ck your face...." Hmmmm, this is a degrading way of saying what he wants and does not really sound all that pleasant.  I have been over this numerous times women are turned on by words while men are more visual.  Build a sexy story with your words.  Build a erotic journey.  Make your woman hot by words and your sex life will improve.  Build anticipation.  Do not use basic cave man language to say you want a blow job, come on now. "What's the best way to turn a woman on? Via her brain, of course, and if you can learn to talk in a way that gets her mind venturing into a myriad of sexual fantasies...Depending on how she communicates with you, pick up on her dialogue and follow suit using appropriate sexual language." (1)  Sexual language is key to successful dirty talk, or else you will just have an offended, and some what pissed off recipient.   I had an interesting conversation about how degradation can be confusing to hear, and I believe that this comes from the origin of dirty talk.  What I mean is we hear respectful dirty talk that we enjoy and get aroused, but then we hear degrading talk and we are not sure because it is sort of similar to dirty talk so it begins to arouse us but then instead of feeling like returning the sentiment we often feel shamed.  This is not a good feeling and it is often confusing so steer clear of generating sexually disrespectful responses   SO! Instead of  spouting off some Hustler magazine fueled fantasy that involves doing anything with her face besides kissing it, use your head and find appropriate sexual language.  We all have our differences of is sexually language and once you find your groove enjoy!  ALSO! If you receive a dirty text, take two seconds to reply to it appropriately.  I say something like "That is so hot, I just am headed into a meeting but thanks for giving me something amazing to think about."  DO NOT leave the person hanging because you are not in the mood.  They are taking the chance and exposing their desires to you and to ignore someone when they are sharing that with you is just rude.

“Seduction doesn't involve deception. Seduction is the art of enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do.”
-Anon

2) Pictures.  Pictures seem to go hand in hand with a little slap and tickle kind of chatting.  But, they can also be very off putting.  Here is an example again for reference.  One morning in the midst of a board meeting I received a text, not thinking anything of it I glanced at my phone so see a cock staring back at me.  Mmmhmm.  This is a highly ineffective way to initiate dirty talk.  As stated earlier men are visual, women are...verbal! I am not sure if this is what men fantasize about I imagine it most likely is.  I have a clear idea that men and women are very different sexual creatures.  I had a conversation about fore play with a man and I said "Well how would you feel if a woman just came up and started rubbing on your cock." There was an awkward pause to which I realized most men would very much enjoy.  While women on the other hand would like to be kissed up the neck, thighs, they like to be caressed and turned on.  It is a rare occasion where a woman just wants a wham, bam, thank you ma'am kind of experience.  We must apply this kind of foreplay mentality to photographs.  Gradually build up to the exchange and I am just going to be totally blunt here, pictures of naked men are not all that arousing.  Perhaps to other women they are, but the women I spoke to all agree that they are not.  It is more the intimacy that the pictures offer that women feed on, not the actual image.  I am sorry if you are reading this and are offended in any way.  But, don't get me wrong.  Pictures of men in their underwear are VERY stimulating AND it may be that shirtless men are usually posing sexually and teasing while nude pics from men are typically a picture of their junk and their messy bedroom floor.  Perhaps this is one major difference between women and men is that women enjoy several shots of undressing in model poses while men might enjoy just snap shots of their girl's goods.  I am not sure, but I do know what I have discussed (okay and laughed) about with my friends and so I feel the need to share that photographs are never a good way to kick start the dirty.  AND once again if your lover worked up the courage and posed for a sexy picture for you do not ignore that.  Always thank them even if you want to discuss the content of said photograph.  Ignoring nude pictures is like rejecting your naked lover, they will feel rejection and insecurity if you do not validate the images they send you.  In fact if you make them feel too insecure about the images you may NEVER get a pic again, and what fun would that be?

“Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.”
-Woody Allen

3) Confidence! You absolutely must have confidence to pull of dirty talking.  If you do not feel confident in what you are saying than you are going to make your partner confused.  Dirty talk is expression and it is fun and so if you are feeling awkward and unsure then DON'T DO IT.  Remember my story from an earlier blog about one of my past moments with dirty talk and I got a "I want to kiss you on the mouth."  That is sweet and all but not what I was asking for.  If you are not sure what to say my best advice to you is ASK, you can either ask your lover in the heat of the moment, for example if they ask you to talk dirty to them you can ask them "What do you want me to do to you?"  This gets the ball rolling and sets up a parameter by following the lead of the initiator.  Or you can also ask your lover another time such as when you are having breakfast together or you can ask your friends that are women what they think is a turn on...or more importantly a turn off!  Do have confidence absolutely, HOWEVER, do not have an over abundance of confidence and just assume that you know what turns on all women and that you are God's gift to all women everywhere.  Every woman is different, every woman is unique.  But, asking your friends that are women will give you pretty good insight into what is not acceptable when getting frisky.  Baby steps.  That is what exploring dirty talk is all about.  Because while you may have dated a girl that really was turned on by your telling her you were going to suck her toes later the girl you are now dating may be disgusted by that thought.  Never, ever, assume that you know what another person wants to hear.  So, clearly the best plan is to ask your lover, have confidence in your self and dive into the dirty.

“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.”

-Isabel Allende

Dirty talk is one of my most favorite parts of dating.  The anticipation it builds up thinking about all the things you can do when you see your lover.  The excitement of knowing someone wants you.  The confidence that you are on someone's mind.  It is all exhilarating and should be tried out.  But, it should be done with respect or else it just becomes another degrading avenue for toxicity to grow.  Respect yourself enough to know what turns you on and what does not and speak up for that.  Sexual language with confidence and respect can go a long way in the dirty world so best of luck!

On a personal note I am still happy with the American.  He took me on a most incredible date to the symphony after a very luxurious dining experience that was all amazing.  The date was the best date I have ever been on, and not because of the price, and not because of the beautiful culture, and not because of the way he looked in his suit and tie, but simply because it all went perfectly smoothly.  The date was comfortable and natural, it was a night out that felt like it was meant to be, it went off without a hitch.  There were no words of resentment, no rubbing in the bill, no rushing, no judging, no nothing but enjoying the adventure together.  Those are the best dates when you know you are with the person that you are meant to be with as the universe gives you all the right signs.  Thanks for reading.  Until next week, XO.

References:
"6 secret ways to turn her on" - Sarah Miller MH
All photographs from google