So lately people have been telling me that things will fade out with The American and that our honey moon period is in deed exactly that, just that a phase. What a sad thought? It got me to thinking about why relationships fade out and how so many people settle for something and someone that they are NOT crazy about. To this kind of mentality I say "Poppycock!" I actually believe that you will meet someone that sets your life on fire. And, I don't mean you will meet someone who literally burns your house down because they are certifiable, I strongly hope that never happens to anyone. What I mean is that you will meet someone who truly betters every inch of your existence and with this person you will be your true self like you have never been before, and you know what? You will live happily ever after. (No, it will not be like the movies because your life is actually not a Hollywood script not matter how badly you will it to be). But, you will wake up everyday happy with a feeling in the pit of your stomach that you are with the right person. I believe that when you meet the right person you will always look at them and be falling more in love regardless if it has been three months to 30 years). And, I am sorry to all those people out there who post long poems about love fading and people staying together because they don't believe in giving up when the love is gone....I say "You sir, have settled" Greatness exists for all of us. But, it takes effort to catch someone great and to keep the honey moon period a forever state and I have seen it in the flesh time and time again. I have some AMAZINGLY FABULOUS couple friends that range between married and basically married (just not on paper) that I can see the love between them every second they look at each other. This bond exists. If you do not have it and you think I am a dreamer, than I am sorry to say but I am not. True love exists but you have to be ready for it to find you or you could just be settling. The following are five simple ideas that I believe keep the honey moon phase in tact once you have met your Mr. Right.
"Love has reasons which reason cannot understand."
Blaise Pascal
1) BE YOURSELF. That is right! The right person will think you are AWESOME. So just be yourself. See in the beginning you were yourself. (Well, I hope you were because I already blogged about playing make believe with your identity so if you created a false you than I don't know what to tell you). In the beginning you should not be concerned about what your love interest judges about your personality because if he doesn't like you the way you are than F*ck it and move on. Who wants to be with someone who does not appreciate them in their entirety?? So you are completely yourself in the hopes that if he is the right person he will like you just the way you are. SO WHAT HAPPENS OVER TIME? I will tell you what happens we CHANGE for our loved ones (or even worse, we try and change our loved ones). This mentality is SO high school. When I was 14 my dad use to drive me to school (what a nice dad thing to do really) BUT! at 14 this is HORRIBLY embarrassing because what if someone sees your dad?!?! and what he is wearing because he is so not hip!?! and his mini van is so not cool?!?! OMG! I know right, 14 year old girls are the definition of drama and it only cultivates with age until they hit their mid 20's. (I would know!) But, over time you realize something. Dad's are not cool. No that is not their job. Their job is to be your dad, to care for you, cloth you, feed you, and be fatherly. When I was 14 I wanted to change my dad to be hip, but now I realize my dad is just perfect the way he is. He is a wonderful dad and always has been and I was just being an absurd little girl (as all teenage girls are). So when we take this mentality to our adult years and relate it to our relationships let us see if it looks any more reasonable....(take a few minutes).....I say NO. You should love and appreciate your partner for just who they are. Not who you think they should be or could be. This is not loving someone. Mr. X use to tell me not to be honest (which FYI is one of my defining traits) he use to tell me it embarrassed him because it causes unnecessary conversations. What a load of bullshit. He wanted to change me because I was embarrassing to his cowardly existence. And, on the flip side I wanted to change men I have dated, I have been embarrassed about employment, hair, dance moves, etc. AND people always tell me that in the beginning you are blind to these things but I disagree. I think that the feelings you have of being turned off by an aspect of someone is a HUGE red flag. So here is the deal. Be yourself with someone completely and find someone that you love completely. Don't pick out on or two endearing traits that you like about someone and try and scrap the rest of their personality to suit you. DO NOT stay with someone that you are not crazy about, and do not try and change the one you are with. It is not your place to change anyone, and it is not anyone's place to change you. Attempting to change one another leads to resentment, low self esteem, hurt feelings, and a whole slough of negative bull shit that your relationship should never have.
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."
Blaise Pascal
2) BE HONEST. Now, often people think that being honest means being hurtful. And, this is simply not true! Honesty can be used to stroke the sh*t out of your lovers ego. Which of course he deserves every once and a while because who doesn't? Everyone. So here is the thing that I do I compliment The American whenever I feel the urge. I compliment his wine choice, his new shirt, his new cute haircut, his performance in the bedroom, I compliment all things relative to him. Because, compliments feel good to both receive and give. AND! If you read my blog about break ups, than this is a repeat for you, but positive statements go a billion miles further than negative nagging. Appreciate your love interest. In return, if you are tactfully honest, you will be able to be honest about all things. Say that for example crumbs on the counter really irritate the piss out of you. (yes that is right it is return of the crumbs, to all those who know me this is my number one piss off, we all have our thing). I use honesty when I express my distaste for crumbs everywhere in the fact that I say how it makes me feel. How in the past, for three years, I asked Mr. X to simply wipe the crumbs less than a food to the sink because it really bothered me and for three years he did not give a f*ck that it was something that bothered me that made me feel devalued. I tell men who I share space with that crumbs irritate me for several reasons (the reasons are not important here) and I am just straight up honest. Now, some of you may be thinking this is changing someone, but the truth of the matter is if you are someone who lives in a pile of crumbs than you and I WILL NEVER be compatible....ever. So, my being honest about how it will never work with someone who is crumby should thus weed them out of my dating existence. What I am trying to say is be honest about all your likes and dislikes because you need to be with someone who both appreciates and is compatible with your quirks. You MUST express yourself or you will never be happy and your partner will never know you. But, one must express honesty in the this manner: say how YOU feel. That is honesty. You CANNOT say "You did this...blah, blah, blah" the person already knows what they did, and, by the time you get a hold of what they did with your resentment taking it out of context you are most likely accusing your lover of something you fabricated. Instead of this, simply say something like this "I feel unheard and hurt because ..." then say the direct action. DO NOT create a double meaning of their action and insult them like "You are an inconsiderate jerk because you constantly do not listen..." this IS NOT honesty. This is insulting. You can only speak of honesty when it comes from yourself, you have no idea why other people act they way they do or say the things they say so don't jump the gun and paint someone else with a tainted brush. OF COURSE! Honesty does not work if you are using it mean spirited to get what you want or change someone. Don't use honesty to manipulate others, that is not what it is intended for. Use honesty for good and to express yourself, and I promise your relationship will benefit.
"When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before."
Blaise Pascal
3) BE SPECIAL!! Do something nice that shows you care. THIS IS KEY! The only thing (besides intimacy in most cases) separating your partner from your friends are the little things. So treat him like he is one of a kind (which he is!) and treat him like you know that. Everyone wants to feel like they are appreciated and unique. I often bake for the man in my life. Whatever he likes or whatever I feel like making. I bake something special and also if I see something when I am out and about I will buy it for him and surprise him. I also will brag about how awesome he is and not be afraid to tell everyone that he is not like other men. All of us want to feel like we are someone's someone special. Think about how good it feels when the person you are with tells you how awesome they think you are. How original and important you are to them and how seeing you makes their whole day. It feels like sunshine on a cold day. It feels like your soul is shining from smiling. It is a great feeling. If you are not willing to make your partner feel this way everyday than you are not trying. With this in mind, you should make your partner feel this way as often as possible. Make your partner feel the way you want to feel and let them know that they are the keeper to the key of your heart and only them. AND! It is not because they are needy or insecure and need to hear it. No, not at all. Say it because you mean it and because you know how good it feels to hear that you are that to someone. (On a flip side if you never make your partner feel special they will become extremely needy and desperate and you will ruin your relationship). Neediness spawns from a place of loneliness. When women (and men) feel lonely in their relationships they act out in a needy fashion because they are desperate not to feel the way they are feeling. And, who wants to feel lonely? No one. The truth is if you do not feel like telling the person that you are with (OR even better showing them! as we all know words can be just empty air...) than you are probably with the wrong person. When you are with the right person you will fit together and you will want to tell them how special that bond is. Now, you may be reading this and thinking that I don't know what it takes to make real relationships work. But, I strongly believe that because I have stayed and been miserable for years in my previous relationships, AND I can pin point the exact moment when the love was gone, when the infatuation faded and I should have moved on to bigger and better things. But, in stead I wanted to "fix" what was broken, I wanted to hold on to what was crumbling, I wanted desperately to be loved when all the while I should have walked away. My failed romances have made me wise. In fact, I would say that when I was single I looked around at some of my taken friends and my heart ached for them (and still does) because they were suffering everyday with a man who treats them like dirt. I can relate. I stayed with men that treated me like garbage, because I was SO afraid of being single. But, you know what I realized, after the dust settles from your break up, being single was MUCH better than my previous relationships ever were. I did not feel special, I did not feel valued, I did not feel beautiful or unique. So, I am telling you if you do not feel special and are not working on making your special someone feel the way you want to feel than there is something wrong in your union. Something is broken. The honey moon period does not have to end if you keep the magic feeling of being someone's morning rush alive. But, these things can only stay fresh if you both keep them that way. If one of you is the only one trying than it can become irritating to the other. Mr.TooGood tried tell me his theory about 100 percent once, it was that if one person is giving 100 percent than the other person will be giving zero and that a perfect relationship is 50-50. I have to disagree in that I think that if you have dropped down to 50 percent than you are at half your effort. In the beginning you are both at 100 percent and that is what feels so awesome, is because you are both maxed out for one another. Of course maintaining 100 percent may seem exhausting, but I promise one day you will find someone that makes 100 percent feel incredible. They will make you want to give 100 percent and more because it just feels good.
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"All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling."
Blaise Pascal
Pretending to be someone you are not and lying about being happy about it will make you miserable. So will not appreciating your partner I promise. Seriously, treat others the way that you want to be treated. Be open but kind, be real but still classy and let the world know your partner is exceptional, because they are. Don't assume anything. That is my best life advice. Never assume your partner knows what you are thinking, what you want, how you feel or how to make you feel the way you want to feel. Express yourself and appreciate your love whenever you can. Too much time is spent resenting one another, hating each other's never said words and judging. Step away from trying to change your lover and lying to them, step away from being someone else in someone else's life, and step away from not appreciating what you have. AND! Step into a person that you want to be. We all make mistakes and relationships are not going to be sunshine, lolly pops and rainbows, but they can be magical and they can make you happy every day until the end of your days if you are with the right person doing what is best for both of you. I know this to be fact because I have many friends who are living proof of this possibility. They are madly in love for over a decade now with their partners and they are beautiful together. They are real together. They are the honeymoon period till the end of time. I believe that the honey moon phase is possible to have forever and that happily ever does exist if you are strong enough to believe in not only your own capabilities and your lovers but the possibility of love. And, if are not feeling this way with someone than I suggest you take time and fall in LOVE with yourself and your life! It is better to be alone and completely head over heels in love with every breathe you breath than spend one second with someone who takes away from your happiness.
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