-My mother
With the discussion last week of how hurtful people's intentions can be it really got me to thinking about the relationships between women and women, and friendships. If you are reading this and we are friends than THANK YOU! You are an awesome friend. The reason why I say this is after the many years of dealing with toxic people in my last few years of life I have weeded my group of friends down to good hearted and kind people that enrich my life in so many ways. This got me to thinking how to be a good friend back to my friends and what I think makes my friends so great so the following are five ideas that build strong, healthy friendships:
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard
1) BE HONEST! Yes you can lie to your doctor, your dentist, your pastor, whoever you feel should not know the truth but you should never lie to your friends. AND more importantly you should never have to lie to your friends! You should be the friend that your friends can be honest with and vice-versa. If your friends are hiding things from you this may mean that you are not a person they feel they can be honest with, which means you should talk to them about this. BUT! on the other hand, perhaps they just in general do not feel comfortable being honest. In a world where we are taught to be "cool" , be "funny", be "pretty" and fit in honesty is not a quality that is praised very often. Whatever the dynamic in your friendships, not being truthful is toxic. Hiding things from one another means that you do not have a real friendship, in fact it means that your relationship is based on half truths and lies. Honesty is a vital part of healthy relationships and trust and if you want to be a good friend, a friend that can be trusted and a friend who your friend turns to be honest. But! be tastefully honest. Be honest because you care and you want what is best for your friends.
“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
2) GOOD INTENTIONS!Act kindly towards your friends! Too often I have been treated cruel by my female and male friends and it hurts. Friends purpose in your life is actually to make you feel better and bring out the best in you, and that is your purpose to them. Not make each other feel shitty and hurt one another's feelings. You may be thinking that honesty contradicts this but honesty can be good natured. If you find yourself putting down your friend in front of others because other people think it is funny put yourself in your friend's shoes for a moment. A long, long time ago I had a brief night with a guy and the former Ms. J and I went to the pub where he and I had decided to meet up after chatting for a while. While enjoying a cocktail she blurted out to the bartender that I had hooked up with someone the last time I was at the establishment. I looked startled and did not say anything. She was laughing and thought it was hilarious as I sat embarrassed and publicly humiliated in front of the patrons and staff. She then said I should have gone with the joke, as it was my fault she rubbed salt in the wound (as he stopped talking to me), as it was my fault as she broke my trust in front of complete strangers, and as if it was my fault for being hurt by her actions which she deemed not only socailly acceptable but funny. This kind of behavior is mean spirited. It is not funny to laugh at your friends and poke fun at them for amusement. Treat your friends the way you want to be treated and be nice. Like my mother always says "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" this is the best policy.
3) COMMUNICATION! So here is the thing I have heard time and time again from all my friends is that it is not that people bail (let's face it life happens and people are always going to cancel without cause or warning) but it is the fact that they never say anything, or worst they pretend they are for sure coming and then don't show up. When you do not at least communicate the reason why you are doing what you are doing it makes other people first of all, confused as to what is happening, and second of all, feel devalued. When you ditch out on invitations that is fine, life happens! But, it is not fine to ditch out and then ignore the friend that invited you. It makes that friend feel even worse. But, if your friend who ditches is afraid to tell you then you need to build that area of your friendship so that they feel comfortable being communicating with you. If you get easily offended and say and do mean things when your friends try and be honest with you than you need to realize that your friends are not ever going to have true relationships with you because they can not express themselves. AND! if you are a friend who is just nervous about being honest, realize that things will never change and friendships will never grow if you hide what you want and who you are. Communication is key to all relationships and in particular friendships between women as women are highly more communicative than men in general.
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4) BE NICE! Do nice things for the people you care about. It does not matter what it is, it can be the simple act of thanking your friends for spending time on a hectic day to cooking dinner for them. Whatever it is show your appreciation. Truth: I tell my friends almost every time after we spend time together that I appreciate their time, because I really do. Tell your friends nice things. Pick them up from sad times. Misery loves company absolutely so kick Miseries Ass with happiness. If your girlfriend is sad than tell her how awesome she is. Help your friends when they need it and completely guarantee if you act with nice words and kindness to your friends they will return these actions ten fold and it feels really great when your girlfriends and male friends build you up, give you a simple compliment or give you a small gift they made it is a really great feeling. Remember this feeling and try and pass it along.
“We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
Even longer,' Pooh answered.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
5) DON'T F%CKING GOSSIP! Agh! This is the WORST thing that we do to our friends. Now, I am not encouraging gossip in any manner but it is one thing to bash the mean girl at the office who picks on you with your friends (but even this is not effective or kind). BUT! It is a whole other grade school pile of bullshit if you are actually hanging out with someone and chatting with them all the time but as soon as they leave you talk smack about them. This means you probably do not actually like that person and you are being a total dick. Don't talk behind people's backs. I realized that not all people are going to be your friend, in fact you are not going to like everyone, so if you feel compelled to talk about all the things you dislike about someone, the truth of the situation is most likely that you do not actually like that person and should stop pretending to be their friend. It is one thing if you are concerned about your friend and you ask another close friend what she thinks you should do. (There are some life events that can be over whelming). This is general concern and seeking advice it is not ill intended. Here is another example from the former Ms. J she was always hanging around (and still is hanging around) with a woman that she would constantly talk poorly about. But, to this woman's face she was her regular self. This kind of behavior creates complete distrust in your friendships because if someone is taking poorly about their other friends than they are most likely talking poorly about all their friends not to mention it is just rude.
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”
― Aristotle
SO that sums it up. Be true to yourself and to your friends because you both deserve the truth. But, only if your words are NOT ill intended, act with kindness whenever you can. And, DON'T BE AFRAID if a friend of yours has become someone who IS NOT a good friend and hurts your feelings than walk away. There are so many people out there that are waiting for a good hearted friend so walk away from the negativity and find happiness. AND! If you are one of my friends reading this know that I am friends with you because I believe that you embody the principles above and so much more. That I feel happy that you are part of my life and when you turn your back I have nothing negative to say about you. At this age our friendship is real and I hope that you feel the same way too. Until next week thanks for reading. XOXO
With the discussion last week of how hurtful people's intentions can be it really got me to thinking about the relationships between women and women, and friendships. If you are reading this and we are friends than THANK YOU! You are an awesome friend. The reason why I say this is after the many years of dealing with toxic people in my last few years of life I have weeded my group of friends down to good hearted and kind people that enrich my life in so many ways. This got me to thinking how to be a good friend back to my friends and what I think makes my friends so great so the following are five ideas that build strong, healthy friendships:
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard
1) BE HONEST! Yes you can lie to your doctor, your dentist, your pastor, whoever you feel should not know the truth but you should never lie to your friends. AND more importantly you should never have to lie to your friends! You should be the friend that your friends can be honest with and vice-versa. If your friends are hiding things from you this may mean that you are not a person they feel they can be honest with, which means you should talk to them about this. BUT! on the other hand, perhaps they just in general do not feel comfortable being honest. In a world where we are taught to be "cool" , be "funny", be "pretty" and fit in honesty is not a quality that is praised very often. Whatever the dynamic in your friendships, not being truthful is toxic. Hiding things from one another means that you do not have a real friendship, in fact it means that your relationship is based on half truths and lies. Honesty is a vital part of healthy relationships and trust and if you want to be a good friend, a friend that can be trusted and a friend who your friend turns to be honest. But! be tastefully honest. Be honest because you care and you want what is best for your friends.
“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
2) GOOD INTENTIONS!Act kindly towards your friends! Too often I have been treated cruel by my female and male friends and it hurts. Friends purpose in your life is actually to make you feel better and bring out the best in you, and that is your purpose to them. Not make each other feel shitty and hurt one another's feelings. You may be thinking that honesty contradicts this but honesty can be good natured. If you find yourself putting down your friend in front of others because other people think it is funny put yourself in your friend's shoes for a moment. A long, long time ago I had a brief night with a guy and the former Ms. J and I went to the pub where he and I had decided to meet up after chatting for a while. While enjoying a cocktail she blurted out to the bartender that I had hooked up with someone the last time I was at the establishment. I looked startled and did not say anything. She was laughing and thought it was hilarious as I sat embarrassed and publicly humiliated in front of the patrons and staff. She then said I should have gone with the joke, as it was my fault she rubbed salt in the wound (as he stopped talking to me), as it was my fault as she broke my trust in front of complete strangers, and as if it was my fault for being hurt by her actions which she deemed not only socailly acceptable but funny. This kind of behavior is mean spirited. It is not funny to laugh at your friends and poke fun at them for amusement. Treat your friends the way you want to be treated and be nice. Like my mother always says "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" this is the best policy.
“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey3) COMMUNICATION! So here is the thing I have heard time and time again from all my friends is that it is not that people bail (let's face it life happens and people are always going to cancel without cause or warning) but it is the fact that they never say anything, or worst they pretend they are for sure coming and then don't show up. When you do not at least communicate the reason why you are doing what you are doing it makes other people first of all, confused as to what is happening, and second of all, feel devalued. When you ditch out on invitations that is fine, life happens! But, it is not fine to ditch out and then ignore the friend that invited you. It makes that friend feel even worse. But, if your friend who ditches is afraid to tell you then you need to build that area of your friendship so that they feel comfortable being communicating with you. If you get easily offended and say and do mean things when your friends try and be honest with you than you need to realize that your friends are not ever going to have true relationships with you because they can not express themselves. AND! if you are a friend who is just nervous about being honest, realize that things will never change and friendships will never grow if you hide what you want and who you are. Communication is key to all relationships and in particular friendships between women as women are highly more communicative than men in general.
“Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.”
― Sarah Dessen, Someone Like You4) BE NICE! Do nice things for the people you care about. It does not matter what it is, it can be the simple act of thanking your friends for spending time on a hectic day to cooking dinner for them. Whatever it is show your appreciation. Truth: I tell my friends almost every time after we spend time together that I appreciate their time, because I really do. Tell your friends nice things. Pick them up from sad times. Misery loves company absolutely so kick Miseries Ass with happiness. If your girlfriend is sad than tell her how awesome she is. Help your friends when they need it and completely guarantee if you act with nice words and kindness to your friends they will return these actions ten fold and it feels really great when your girlfriends and male friends build you up, give you a simple compliment or give you a small gift they made it is a really great feeling. Remember this feeling and try and pass it along.
Even longer,' Pooh answered.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
5) DON'T F%CKING GOSSIP! Agh! This is the WORST thing that we do to our friends. Now, I am not encouraging gossip in any manner but it is one thing to bash the mean girl at the office who picks on you with your friends (but even this is not effective or kind). BUT! It is a whole other grade school pile of bullshit if you are actually hanging out with someone and chatting with them all the time but as soon as they leave you talk smack about them. This means you probably do not actually like that person and you are being a total dick. Don't talk behind people's backs. I realized that not all people are going to be your friend, in fact you are not going to like everyone, so if you feel compelled to talk about all the things you dislike about someone, the truth of the situation is most likely that you do not actually like that person and should stop pretending to be their friend. It is one thing if you are concerned about your friend and you ask another close friend what she thinks you should do. (There are some life events that can be over whelming). This is general concern and seeking advice it is not ill intended. Here is another example from the former Ms. J she was always hanging around (and still is hanging around) with a woman that she would constantly talk poorly about. But, to this woman's face she was her regular self. This kind of behavior creates complete distrust in your friendships because if someone is taking poorly about their other friends than they are most likely talking poorly about all their friends not to mention it is just rude.
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”
― Aristotle
SO that sums it up. Be true to yourself and to your friends because you both deserve the truth. But, only if your words are NOT ill intended, act with kindness whenever you can. And, DON'T BE AFRAID if a friend of yours has become someone who IS NOT a good friend and hurts your feelings than walk away. There are so many people out there that are waiting for a good hearted friend so walk away from the negativity and find happiness. AND! If you are one of my friends reading this know that I am friends with you because I believe that you embody the principles above and so much more. That I feel happy that you are part of my life and when you turn your back I have nothing negative to say about you. At this age our friendship is real and I hope that you feel the same way too. Until next week thanks for reading. XOXO
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