JEALOUSY, the return of my green eyed monster.

"Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy."
-Aristotle 

So recently an insignificant moment in time got me jealous.  I suppose for lack of a better word here jealousy is appropriate.  While some of my friends pointed out that Karma has a funny way of showing up uninvited as I did wait for The American to decide what he wanted whilst in the company of another woman, however, now several weeks into our public relationship such moments take on new meaning.   The details of the situation are irrelevant (and this single event is not the focus nor the point of this blog) but it got me to relating all things to past incidents.  And, here is the idea that bothers me, and it still bothers me and I have had many conversations with all my friends about it, Ms. K, Ms. M, Ms. A, Ms. J, My Lovely Married friend, and so many more.  The situation is: when women, knowingly pursue taken men.  There is a wide variety of opinion on who is at fault if anything escalates into a relationship most women blame the man for straying.  Honestly I have to say I blame both.  I have walked into one of my Mr. X's bedrooms the morning after a fight to find him in bed with another woman, and when I told her to get out, he said "She knew I had a girlfriend."  To which she looked ashamed and left. What is going on here women? Why are we the sex that really do not care about one another?  Or worse the sex which intentionally want to hurt one another?  Why are we NOT the kind of people who say "Oh you have a girlfriend? SEE YA!" While instead we view other women as nothing.  This kind of revelation cuts me deep.  And, it is not because I feel threatened (clearly the Mr. X mentioned above was a real piece of douchery and I am lucky to be rid of him).  But, it bashes my ego when I hear of a woman, knowing I am with my guy and still choosing to put her self available to him.  (It is important to note I am not denying being this conniving person in the past but time (alright, alright, Karma) has made me realize a few things that I would like to share).  The following three reasons are why when women chase after taken men it is a slap in the face to the women they are already involved with:

"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me." 

- Pussy Cat Dolls

1) It means I am not good enough.  If you are actually reaching out in the hopes of taking someone from someone else than you are basically saying that person they are with is not good enough.  Hopefully if you are lucky your partner will not be a sleaze and tell the other interested party to take a hike, but sometimes unfortunately this is not the case.  I will tell you that I know what both people on this side of the equation are feeling.  A long time ago (in land far, far away) I dated a really great man for a few years, but I took said man from someone else.  It was not well intended, and it was not kind.  It was what I wanted and I did feel like I was better than his current flame. I wanted him so I went for him.  However, a few years down the road right when I was happy and comfortable Karma came a knocking. She presented him with a woman who he formed feelings for, in fact (we were long distance for a while) when I went to visit him all of our friends thought he had a new girlfriend.  Thus I have been on both the receiving and the distributing side of things.  So here is my advice, if you have feelings for someone who you know is in a relationship keep you feelings to yourself.  You may be thinking "BUT! I will explode if I do not tell him how much a LOVE HIM."   Seriously?? you need to think about EVERYONE involved in your situation.  Your words while liberating you are about to have a domino reaction on you, your love interest, their partner and probably a lot of people will be hearing a lot of different sides to a lot of different stories.  Look, clearly it is not your time to be with this person or they would not be with someone else. Also, really think about what you are trying to do with your actions, AND REMEMBER all actions have karmic consequences!  You are trying to get what you want with no regard of how you are making others feel.  (Check yourself!) And, on the receiving end of this equation if your lover tells you a woman has propositioned him, FIRST THANK HIM for his honesty (unless he is being tacky and throwing it in your face to insight jealousy...if he is doing that than laugh and tell him to get f*cked) but if he is actually telling you because he wants to be open and honest than thank him.  Not all men will be honest out of fear of retaliation so when your man is make sure to appreciate that.  Second, if he is telling you because he is leaving you, than feel appropriately, and try not to throw things at him...BUT! on the odd chance he is telling you because he wants you to know he chose you and thinks your the bees knees well then appreciate that too! This means you have scored a man who realizes you are worth being with and you most likely make him happy.  Congratulations.  (Inserting flattering note here The American fills all the criteria of a good man and acts beyond accordingly with his honest demeanor).

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Find out what it means to me"

-Aretha Franklin

2) Disrespect! I will be honest I use to think that we have to DEMAND respect in our relationships through such reactions as being a lunachick and threatening and just in general trying to be scary.  I use to think the only possible way anyone would respect me is if they had  a little fear instilled of them of losing me (But, perhaps more so what I was capable if we were no longer on good terms). Yes, I know I had a lot of growing up to do and I am still embarrassed about this ignorant attitude.  However, here is what we all need to realize.  Someone else coming on to your husband, lover, boyfriend whatever title you give them does not have respect in themselves and there for cannot be expected to show you respect.  They are however disrespecting themselves and the person they are coming onto.   Here is why, the advancer is selling herself short by going for a taken man, she is devaluing her ability to meet the right, single man out there for her and in turn disrespecting herself.  She is placing herself in a zone where she is okay with being labelled as the other woman or possibly the home wrecker and all sorts of negative connotations that come with her actions, all of which demean her.   The man, who she thinks might be wooed by her charms, is also disrespected here, because it insinuates that he is not in a situation he wants to be in.  As such it asserts that he needs an option out and also it insinuates that he might be the kind of cheating scum that would take her offer. Basically it says this man is not really a man who can choose what he wants in his life, this kind of attitude is emasculating. Thus, the unsuspecting partner is not in this equation, in fact I would say the unsuspecting partner is the only one in this equation who has their respect in tact. While you may be reading this thinking that the other person did not respect you because they tried to take your love, I disagree, a woman who can not respect herself will never know how to show other women respect. (Remember I have been both women).  AND! Let me tell you if you are the unsuspecting partner and you find out about said other women, hold your head high.  There is nothing more trashy than a woman scorned.  Don't message said other woman to "Get clarity on details" Trust me you come across as insane and insecure.  Don't threaten your partner that "If they ever see them again"  You come off as controlling and once again insecure.  The truth of the matter is if you know about the situation that is all that you can do.  You can not control others and you certainly don't need the details of her affection.  Do however realize if your love interest goes the way of someone else it was not meant to be!!  Remember you are worth finding someone who thinks the world of you, and if your lover can be taken so easily...well, they clearly did not think that.  Don't fight to keep people in your life that so obviously don't belong in it. 

"Fake it till you make it." 

- Unknown

3) Faking it.  So when you come onto someone else's partner you are assuming that they are waiting for something better to come along and that you might be it.  (Remember I know).  You are really taking away from the seriousness of the unity of their already existing relationship and insinuating that the two involved in the relationship must just be faking along with one another until something better comes along.  If you are not thinking this than I am here to tell you this is how the receiving end feels of your actions.  You are assuming that the relationship you are trying to end for your own means is not worth keeping a float.  This is why when women hone in on my new love interests it is incredibly bothersome to me. So once again if you are interested in a man and you see him involved, EVEN if you see him involved in a terrible relationship (if it is terrible enough he will leave eventually) you need to ask yourself who are you to size up anyone else's situation?  You need to realize there are two adults involved in a romantic situation that are both choosing to be in it.  And, if the person you are pining for feels the same way about you then guess what?  He probably would not be married or dating someone else.  I have heard so many stories from men and women alike on all sides of the dating scale from one week of getting to know one another to twelve years of marriage and it is really an uncomfortable phenomena.  Also, important to note that you may be thinking that you are perfect for your new love interest but what you don't realize is that the two people together might be perfect for one another, and you may be taken as a momentary distraction of excitement, but that status will not last.  If you are able to woo a taken man easily realize it is only a matter of time until you will be the one betrayed. 

Basically this phenomena has been weighing on my mind along time.  When Mr. BIGmistake was constantly getting calls and texts from the woman he eventually cheated on me with it was unnerving to know she was chasing after him with the knowledge he was with me.  So what I am saying is to just act with good intentions.  If you see your actions are going to hurt another human being than the chances are high that you should not do them.  Respect yourself enough to realize that you are worth more than trying to damage some one else's union and so are they.   Also, realize that their rejection can cause a lot of changes for you that you may not have thought of, think of all the consequences of your actions.  And, you will fall for someone new and even more amazing who is available I am sure of it! 

But it is always right when you start to have insecure thoughts of your own that you will come home to roses on your stoop with a card that literally makes you press the card against your heart as if imprinting those words for life.  The American never ceases to making me feel like I have nothing to worry about with him and at the end of the day I know he is the cats pajamas.  Till next week XOXO