You live, you learn.

It is right when you think Shirtless Matt is like all the rest and are happily dating that he will blind side you by reading your blog and sending you a sincere apology that will confuse your emotions.  But, not enough confusion for you to forgive him and welcome him back into your life as before.  But, then gradually like the ocean works the beach you begin to miss the way it felt to laugh at his goofy messages and blush at other texts and the feelings that you easily had.  Potential always has me day dreaming with my head in the clouds.  AND, nothing quite crashes you into the ground as when you decide to suck it all up and message him and he messages you that he has met someone.  I am not delusional, don't worry, Shirtless Matt lives miles away but it was the thought of him and what he could have been.  AND, as all less than awesome experiences are learning curves the following are three things I learned (painfully once again):

1) Never sell yourself short.  I felt like I had to prove myself as a good catch.  A very wise woman once told me never be with anyone that makes you feel not worth it.  (I have written about this before).  But, for some reason when I get a crush I always think they will feel the same way if they realize all I have to offer.  I mean after all I can cook and have my own cute place and a sweet little dog and a career which enables me to have full benefits which means they would have full benefits if things worked out and who doesn't want that?  WOAH!! Slow your roll.  I get all swept up in the mentality of if I just bake for him and be so "cool" and give it my all then he will also crush on me. And, then the sky is the limit...come back to earth girl.   I am aware at how crazy this sounds.  I have never denied being a lunachick.  This. Needs. To. Stop.  I am not alone and this is why I am outing myself.  Time and time again I see my girlfriends sacrifice their dignity to prove they are worthy of love and for what?  The truth is if you have to chase someone and try to make them interested then it is not meant to be.  And, I know, I know.  I was supposed to be waiting for the right kind of man to ask me out but I got swept up in a sea of memories of a childhood boy and the abs of a grown man and even the most strong willed women sometimes lose their way.

2) In the infamous words of Dr. Suess "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  Rather than just saying "Hey, I think you are some kind of wonderful and I don't really care about the miles between us I think you should give me a chance."  I just stumbled along awkwardly hoping he would possibly realize that I was worth giving a shot to.  All the while he was not on the same page.  I wasted my time thinking there was a connection because in my mind there must have been.  What an idiot I was.  I promised myself to give things my all and not hide my feelings for people long ago, but sometimes, some men make you forget you are a bad ass b$tch (in the best sense of the word) and you find yourself floundering around sending him texts to get his attention, wondering if you are bothering him, (is he rolling his eyes when he sees it is from you?) Rather than just cut to the chase and cut my losses I held on to an ideal that was nothing more than my silly fantasy.  I was a fool, but I really have no one to blame but myself on this one.  I could have easily asked him if he was willing to see where things may go, after all with Skype, airplanes, highways and cell technology it can't be that hard if you are interested in trying.  And, if he thought I was totally delusional than at lease I would have know right away and been rejected toot-sweet rather than drag this out. Note to future self: Rip off the band aid quickly, it has less effect.

3) Move on gracefully.  So here is the truth.  Yes I formed a crush on someone unique and sexy.  I am not ashamed.  There is nothing wrong in finding someone crush worthy.  In fact when men crush on me I am always flattered. Being crushable is nothing to be laughed at.  So many people are taught that rejection is something to be ashamed of.  It is not.  It is part of trying and believing in the possibility of love.  It is part of growing and becoming the person you are.  All I can do now is admit I had a crush, I had ideas of grandeur, I was rejected and now I move on.  I go on dates, I feel a bit sad, I grow as a person and I accept what happened.  There is nothing more or nothing less.  If you never get rejected then you have never tried and what is the sense in that?  I could easily have not written this post and left Shirtless Matt as one of the douchey men in a string of men who have stolen my affection, but he is not.  And, men worthy of recognition deserve it.  I did not write him into my blog with the intention of painting him in a poor manner.  I wrote him because he awoke something in me that reminded me to get back into the dating game and find someone who feels the same way back.

Being truthful about dating is part of this crazy blogging world.  I could make everything seem like sunshine, lolly pops and rainbows but that is not real.  In reality not every man will want to date you back.  Not every man will see you as awesome.  Not every man will want your attention.  And, that is 100 percent okay.  The right man will think you are incredible and that is what we all deserve.  Thanks for reading! XO

The Truth About Dating

While I may not be good at finding "the one" I have become very skilled at first dates and defining how to create enjoyable dates regardless of who you are with. The more conversations and first dates I have lately I have learned these three facts:

1) If he is interested he will ask you questions.  Men are a mystery often to me but on this point I am one hundred percent sure.  If he likes you he wants to know about you.  If he wants attention he will randomly message you about himself.  It is pretty simple actually.  Men who want to ask you out will engage in getting to know you.  Men who are not really interested will toy with you like a cat with a dead mouse because who doesn't enjoy attention from the opposite sex.  This is actually a pet peeve of mine.  Men randomly messaging me thoughts or what they are doing with no question.  Now, I don't respond.  Only go out with men who show a real interest in you.

2)Don't drink on the first date.  As I started dating on my cleanse this was not an issue.  But, I can tell you nothing makes you have standards and not lead people on like being sober.  Booze makes you throw your inhibitions to the wind and be more tolerable.  Sadly once you sober up you will have been dating someone sober you actually hate for weeks (enter my college days).  Don't. Do. It.  The last thing you need is to lead someone on or worse sleep with a looser.

3) First dates as casual afternoon get togethers are best.  A coffee at a hip coffee place in Gastown, a lunch at a funky diner, a walk near the beach.  Keep it inexpensive, daylight casual.  Keep it short.  Two hour max.  Even if you are having a fantastic time it is best to keep things short and sweet.  Remember, players only love you when they're playing.  There are always second dates.

These three rules are key to having respectful dates.  If you want a cheap hook up then disregard this advice but if you are interested in quality dates that are enjoyable then try these out.  Thanks for reading! XO

Kissing Frogs

Alright so in the name of a good title I over romanticized.  No kissing has transpired in my life for months.  But I have been on a few dates and it made me realize there are so many frogs to sift through to find a good prince. The following are three frog qualities that I want to share.

1) Passive Aggressive. I recently was chatting with this guy.  Rather than ask me out he said "Too bad you live far away" (Ya, 20 minute car ride is super far). I don't understand this approach.  If you want to meet up ask.  Ask me to get together. Don't tell me it is too bad I am not your neighbor.  Later I told him he was not my type.  He asked why and I brought this up.  He said he would have wanted to go for a walk if I was close.  Siiiiiiiigh.  Just ask.  Ask to get together.  Everything else is just games.

2) Little to no Effort.  So I have gone over this time and time again and cannot state it enough.  Two men asked me out to their neighborhood eateries.  One went on to tell me he had anxiety and couldn't leave his comfort zone (FYI I am not your therapist don't TMI me while trying to ask me out). While the other doesn't have a car. I am not ever going to put 100 percent of the effort in.  But, I also turned a corner. Where I used to think that a man should pick you up.  I am more open to meeting half way for good food.

3) You don't own me. Don't put words in my mouth and assume you know best ever.  I have my own brain and my own abilities. Don't talk down to me like a know it all and never patronise me.  I mean really.  The kind of man who refuses to hear others opinions and forces their ideas on others is tragic.  If you are pretending to listen just to interject your opinion and therefore are not listening at all then keep on keeping on.  Ask me questions, listen and let's have a healthy conversation.

So many frogs.  So little time.  I am following Ms. M's advice and wrote a list of qualities I would appreciate in a man.  It is on the fridge. The dates themselves have been nice but the frogs themselves aren't winning any kisses.  Thankfully I fell in love with single life and so it isn't so bad. Thanks for reading! XO

Ghosting

Insert loud sigh here.  The worst part about joining the land of the dating is ghosting.  One minute you are chatting away getting to know someone.  Smiling when the text, laughing at their cute flirtations, and the next you are staring at a blank screen…you have been ghosted.  I would think the only worse fate in the world of dating is being cat fished.  Thankfully I have yet to experience the latter.  The following are three reasons why you should never ghost someone.

1) It makes that person feel like sh#t.  Seriously.  All it takes is a two second text that says this "Hey, it was great getting to know you, but I met someone else/don't think we are compatible/am getting back together with my ex/etc."  It literally takes two seconds of your day to lightly reject someone.  And, honestly if you are saying "But they might react badly" then you sir, should not be dating period.  I swear one out of ten times I have used this did I ever have a guy ask why and try and be dramatic, in fact scratch that, it was less than one out of ten.  So this excuse is invalid.  Taking two seconds of your day to say you are not interested is the adult thing to do.  Remember when you were about four and you use to hide from people and your mother would say "Use your words" well don't forget this lesson now that you are all grown up.

2) You're making things worse.  You think by ignoring someone they will magically disappear and all awkwardness associated with them will be gone.  WRONG.  By doing step one all awkwardness is gone (if the person is not the one in a million who makes it dramatic).  Ignoring someone sets you up for future uncomfortable situations.  You now have to be concerned if you run into your rejectee out and about.  And, I am assuming because you are the kind to ghost someone you are also the kind to leave some where if you see your rejectee.  DRAMA.  Save yourself and the other person a whole lot of bullsh#t and just man up.  Send the rejection text and be an adult.

3) It is common courtesy.  At one point in time you were interested in the person you ghosted.  While you may despise them for whatever reason now, perhaps they are too clingy, too drunk, too loud, too not your thing, the truth of the matter is that at one point you looked at that person and were down.  Try and keep this in mind.  That while you grew out of the interest they did not.  They are just like you with their emotions.  We have all been rejected (sadly we have all most likely been ghosted…and a few of you have been cat fished…)  You treat someone poorly because you feel poorly about rejecting them.  Try and remember that you too were interested and that you too have been rejected and act from that rather than from a thoughtless background.

Ghosting is the worst.  Try and be sensitive towards the fact that we are all people looking for a connection to someone else.  We are all searching for someone or something in life that makes us happy.  Try and remember that we all have been rejected and the things that hurt you the most.  You can probably guess from this post that Shirtless Matt is a ghost.  But, any person who accepts ghosting as an acceptable form of rejection is not my cup of tea.  Thanks for reading! XO

I am not sorry

I recently had a cute interaction with a man from a long history, we will call him "Shirtless Matt" the conversation went like this:
Me: Hey Shirtless Matt, this is Victoria...
Shirtless Matt: Hey Victoria, sorry this is Shirtless Matt...
To which he shortly after said he didn't mean sorry.  But, this interaction made me really think about how often I hear sorry and how more often than not it is not necessary.  The following are three examples.

1) We apologize for no reason.  Beyond the cute example above; my girlfriend Ms.M apologizes on Sunday after we hang out.  She says "Sorry we didn't do anything fun." As if spending the day with my best gal is not fun? Seriously??? What are we apologizing for and why??  We need to ask ourselves this and stop apologizing. We need to stop throwing around apologies because the word "sorry" means something and it doesn't always apply.

2) It is not rude to not apologize.  The other day at work my coworker and I reached for the coffee at the same time.  Rather than say "Please, you go first." They apologized.  To which I insisted there was nothing to be sorry for and told them to go first.  Being polite doesn't always mean saying sorry. Apologies have a time and place and we misuse them in instances that actually require other manners.  Using "sorry" has become a generic word that we have began to apply to a wide variety of interactions.

3) Sincerity. If we are constantly apologizing how are we to know when it means something.  Of course you should apologize when we have hurt someone, but when we reach for the same apple at the grocery store warrants the same action as hitting someone's car, one has to question what we are doing.  There are too many amazing words and lines to use for socializing and I say we tone down the apologies.  Rather than sorry over an apple, why not pick a good apple and hand it to the person next to you telling them it is a good one.

Don't get me wrong. Don't be an as#hole and never apologize. I am saying use it when you mean it.  Sorry is a word that means so much and yet has been spoken so often that it really has become meaningless.  We hear it so often we have new societal pressure to prove "sorry" because the word is not enough and this is a whole other topic.
Oh, and as for Shirtless Matt? Well you will have to stay tuned.  Thanks for reading! XO